Should He Stay in Romantic Relationship with a Woman If Sex Is Not Happening?

Dear Papabear,

Let me start off by saying this weighs heavily on me, and has for a time.

When I was 17 I came out as gay, and through the next couple of years after growing up with my sexuality I started leaning more towards bi, with a strong preference for men.

In 2012 I met my current girlfriend, we met on pounced and had the best conversations. We were, and still are, best friends. But the problem is me still struggling with my sexuality. I guess the way to explain it is I have a strong sexual/romantic attraction to men, while its mostly a romantic attraction to women. 

So now my sex life has dwindled to nothing, and I find myself resenting even getting into this relationship in the first place. Which is completely unfair to my mate, but I stay with her either out of being scared of being alone or for the fact I cling to some small hope I can fix it/change myself. 

It's worth putting in that we have an open relationship, but when I brought up that I would like to start seeing guys she shot the idea down saying that it was selfish of me to want to date men while our sex life together is near dead. And I completely agree with her that it was selfish for me to consider it. But I might need the help of a little blue pill with her, or even men for that matter, due to my problems.

I'm sorry for spilling that on you and I'm not even sure how to formulate a question out of this, except what do you think I should do? She is a dear and beloved friend, but the problem is that she feels more like a friend than a mate. And that's my fault, since the sex died with my arrousal issues, I put her in the friend category

Kreed (age 29)

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Dear Kreed,

News flash: if she is telling you that you can't see people then you are not in an open relationship. Not sure what her definition of "open relationship" is, but that ain't it. Therefore, you are in a monogamous relationship with a woman and you are not sexually attracted to women, only romantically so. The second thing you have incorrect is that you need "fixing." There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to fix anything. You are sexually attracted to men and that is how you are. VERY unlikely that will change at the age of 29 and beyond. Finally, you are guilting yourself into staying in this relationship because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Wrong again. You are doing your friend a disservice by giving her false hope that you can force yourself to have sex with her, perhaps even resorting to pills. At the same time, this is causing resentment to build inside you. The longer you keep it inside, the more likely it is that it will explode in a hurtful way to both of you. Not healthy.

It is NOT your fault that you don't want sex with her. What IS your fault is that you are continuing to lead her on in a relationship that is almost certainly going to end in disappointment for you both.

This is a wake-up call for you, Kreed. Take out the garbage that is this guilt of yours and show her that you respect her and care enough about her enough to tell her the truth that a romantic relationship that includes sex is off the table.  What you need to do is recognize that this can be a wonderful friendship, but that it ends there.  This is not a bad thing.  Great friendships are to be cherished, but the longer you string her along, the more resentment will build, and the more likely it is you won't even be friends anymore, and you don't want to lose that, do you?

Tell her the truth of how you feel and do whatever you can to preserve your friendship.  Now would be a good time.

Hugs,
Papabear​