I hate my aunts. (all relatives such as aunts and grandparent mentioned here are from my mom’s side). They’re greedy. After grandpa past away in 2015 (or 2016?), they came up with a horrible plan to sabotage his will. They blackmailed my ma and made a lot of her friends believe that she is a greedy backstabber (while she’s not). She lost a lot of people in her life thanks to them. After that happened, her depression worsen. It felt as if the love that my aunts had was a lie. I hate them for it.
Then after Grandma died we planned a respectful funeral for her. We payed a lot of fucking money for it. But then, all of a sudden. My aunts buried her their selves, they just tossed her into the dirt like she was nothing! They did it in a way that showed that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Those motherfuckers. I still get birthday money from them. But, obviously they came from grandpa’s budget. They just drive up to our house, put the cards in the mailbox and hit the gas and fuck out. I hate them so much. I hate them. I don’t care if they die, I don’t care if they suffer. Because, they deserve misfortune after the things they did to us. You may disagree, but I don’t care. I can’t forgive them. I wish I could just beat the shit out of them. Make them feel the pain they gave to us. I know it doesn’t solve anything. But, I don’t forgive those who fuck with my family.
* * *
Based on what you said, yes, your aunts are horrible people. You might be expecting me--since I write an advice column--to say things like "You should forgive and forget" or "Turn the other cheek." Au contraire. In my opinion, you do not have to forgive them. In fact, there are psychologists out there who would agree with me on this. Now, if your aunts suddenly had a change of heart, made amends, and personally asked for your forgiveness and promised they would never repeat such nasty actions again, then yes, forgive them. But it sounds to me like they have done no such thing, so, yeah, they're a problem. If possible, cut them out of your life. These are what some call "toxic people." Toxic people can damage your health just by being present in your life. Discard them like the garbage they are.
OK! THAT said, there is something else important here. In addition to discarding them, you have another more difficult task, which is to let go of your hatred. Hatred doesn't hurt them; it only damages you. And no, do not, obviously, do anything that would land you in prison such as assaulting and killing them. That should go without saying, but just for the record, I'm writing that here.
You can already see, I bet, how the fury in your heart is causing you distress, anxiety, even physiological changes such as hypertension that can damage your heart. Are your aunts worth that? No. They are not worth your love and they are not even worth your hatred. They are not worth your valuable time.
Let's talk about that birthday money for a moment. Recently, I got married to my new hubby, Michael. We invited friends and family to a little ceremony in Las Vegas. Michael's sister and only sibling, Gayle, did not attend. She said, "I can't go because my pastor is having his retirement party that day." Seriously? So, her pastor is more important than her only brother? Gayle is a very religious, Christian person, who is not happy about her brother being gay. Now, I have met her a couple of times over the last two years, and I thought that she was a pleasant woman at the time. I knew she had, in the past, been uncomfortable about Michael being gay, but I thought she had turned the corner and was now accepting him. Apparently not. The pastor's retirement is not an excuse. She obviously didn't come because in her mind she condemns her own brother for being gay. Anyway, just before we left for Vegas, she swung by with her daughter and handed us a card. It had a $100 gift card in it. Big fucking whoop. I told Michael to throw it out, but instead, he bought a bidet with it. Appropriate.
What I'm saying here is that you should not accept money or anything else from your aunts until they change their ways and beg forgiveness. Until then, as I said, cut them out, and that includes any gift cards or cash they send you, which is only their pathetic effort to assuage their own black, guilty hearts.
Do everything in your power to remove this filth from your life. Removing their presence, which is a constant reminder to you of what they have done to you and your family, will, over time, make it easier and easier for you to not feel that hatred. Forgetting about them will be a balm for your soul. Just as you would for a troll on the Web, the only way to heal is to block, delete, ignore. Also, occupy your mind with other things; this helps. Do I bother to hate Gayle? No, I actually feel she is pathetic. Neither do I, however, forget or forgive what she did, but I don't think much about it (except as a very good example for teaching people like you about dealing with toxic people).
Does this make sense? I hope so. Family members can really suck, can't they? I do not believe in the "blood is thicker than water" idea. You (hopefully) have some members in your family that make you happy and feel loved. Cling to them. The ones who don't are the ones with whom you should not associate. And remember this, too: family is MORE than blood. There are friends in this bear's life that I consider family more than my blood relations on my father's side.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.