Well, I just moved which has been quite hard on me. On top of that I just started my freshman year of high school. Now I feel like I don't have anything in common with anyone there and even if I do they all hate me. This mentality may have been founded in the fifth grade where I realized, or maybe imagined, that my "friends" weren't really that. I felt excluded and like they all hated me. I never really felt connected to any of them and was really awkward around them; of course, my fifth grade self didn't realize that but now I do.
Time skip to eighth grade. That had probably been my most enjoyable year of school in a while. I really connected with my friends there--they weren't the same ones in elementary school--despite my small issue at the beginning of that year and (not major) self-harm fits over the course of that year. Anyway, I really liked them. I never invited them over, though, because thoughts that everyone hated me still lingered. The best part of that year, I'd have to say, was going on the 8th grade trip. No thoughts of them hating me, just fun.
Anyway, that was the summer we moved, this summer. It got really bad when we moved. "Everyone hates me!" "I hate everyone!" Things that make me seem like an emotional teenager. But that's when it got really bad. I started actually drawing blood in my self-harm escapades and have thought about suicide in a positive way on way too many time for it to be healthy.
My parents are amazing and have a lot of stress on them right now (we're still remodeling our house so we're renting right now). Honestly, I don't know how my "depression" or whatever this is even started with such great parents. And if I'm being completely honest the only thing that has stopped me from suicide is them.
On a side not,e I'm also very socially awkward and don't enjoy being around people too much.
I know I need to tell my parents about this, but how? I don't want to put stress on them. Plus I don't even know what I'm going through...
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I am SO SORRY this reply has taken so long, but here are my thoughts now....
First of all, just a quick check: do you suffer from some form of autism (e.g. Asperger's) or social anxiety syndrome? If so, that, of course, could explain why you have a hard time being with people.
I suspect that's not it, but just wanted to check to be sure. I'm also concerned about your self-harming, which needs to be addressed, and your thoughts of suicide (suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255; this national hotline is staffed with professional counselors to help you any time of day or night).
I understand how hard it can be in school to socialize. I was pretty much an outcast myself and had a hard time making friends. My family moved a couple times when I was a kid, and it took me years to develop friendships, if at all. But while you say you don't enjoy being around people, you also say that your happiest times in school were when things were going well in 8th grade and you had a lot of good social interaction. Seems to me you DO want to socialize, but the process intimidates you.
The first thought that came to mind was trying to look outside the school environment to make friends. You could explore volunteer work, or get a part-time job, or join a club, or get active in your church. Such places have very different social dynamics than schools do and it might be easier to get out of the clique mentality that exists in schools.
Another thought is--if you would rather avoid people for now--try and do something with animals. Do you have a pet? Bonding with a pet can be very therapeutic. Or you could--similar to the above--find an organization, zoo, nonprofit, or whatever that helps animals. Working with and playing with animals does a lot for us in developing empathy and affection with another living being. And this could help, in turn, form an entryway that will lead you to better relationships with human beings.
Here's an article about human-animal interactions and their benefits in young people.
I'm glad you have good parents. Talk to them about what you are feeling. Do NOT think that you are bothering them or stressing you out. They LOVE you and are there for you. To break the ice, maybe start by asking them if you can have a pet--if not now, then when you move into the real house. When they ask you why you want a pet, say because you want friends in your new home and an animal is a good way to start.
Please write again if the above was not helpful.
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