I really don’t know where or how to start this, but I'll do my best. Sorry if it seems all over the place....
So I have this non-furry friend that's quite young (under 20, honestly) and she just had a miscarriage. This person is one of my closest buds and I wish to help them, but there's a few things:
1. I have no idea how to, since I’m clueless on this subject.
2. I’m honestly not sure of how to scold them (as she looks up to me as an older sis of sorts), or even if I should! because not only is she quite young but also has no idea of who the father is...
3. I have a weird fear of babies and pregnancies and the such. I'm afraid of sounding insensitive because of this fact, y'know? ... not to mention her family is STRICTLY against abortions and we're afraid of them knowing...
What should I do? What should she do? Are we doomed?
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Just to be clear: this is about an abortion, not a miscarriage, correct? Because at first you said miscarriage. Also, the abortion has already been done? Or is she thinking of having one? Or is this about miscarriages? Please clarify.
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It's about a miscarriage.
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Thanks for the reply, Tune.
Okay (deep breath), it is not your place to “scold” your friend for getting pregnant. Having a miscarriage is a traumatic event in any woman’s life (whether or not the baby was wanted), and so scolding her after she has gone through so much pain will only make matters worse. You say she is one of your “closest buds,” so be there for her in her time of need.
What does this mean? It means you give her a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear. You really don’t have to say much; just be there to listen and to give her a hug.
It sounds a bit like your girlfriend has been a bit free and loose, shall we say, with the guys. A bit promiscuouus and not careful about birth control and safe sex? These are things you can definitely talk to her about. Don’t be judgmental, but be informative and supportive. If (and only if) the topic comes up about sex, advise her to be more careful about birth control and insisting the guy wear a condom (and she should also take birth control pills or other precautions such as IUDs, diaphragms, hormone treatments, etc. that are available to her). The other issue, of course, is STDs, so she really needs to be more cautious.
If your friends is sleeping around a lot, there might be reasons for this about which you have no clue. Sometimes people are promiscuous because they crave affection they didn’t receive in childhood, for example. Sometimes it happens because—again, as a child—they were victims of incest and have malformed concepts of what love is about. You see, it’s not so simple just to judge someone for their behavior, is it? Tread carefully.
Another issue: was she raped? I can’t tell that from your letter, but hope and pray that is not the case. This is an entirely different subject and would, of course, mean that you would definitely be in the wrong if you scolded her for that! So, I am going to assume it wasn’t rape.
Back to her family. I’m not really sure what is going on here. You say they are against abortions. Okay, but she didn’t have an abortion; she miscarried. Is the problem that she didn’t tell her parents she got pregnant and she didn’t know who the father was? I could see why that could upset her parents. I’m sensing that there is quite a communication chasm between her and her parents. That is something that is going to take a long, long time to repair, and the first step should not be suddenly announcing, “Mom, Dad, I got pregnant from a guy I don’t even recall and then lost the baby.” Not a good way to start the dialog.
What you need to do is first make sure your friend has time to recover from this very emotional experience. Don’t preach to her or judge her, like I said, and just be there to listen when she gives you a phone call or even texts you a message. As she talks to her, be a sounding board. Let her express her thoughts and feelings to her and then offer suggestions (not judgments, not rules, but suggestions) on what she might do.
You say she’s under 20, but is she 18 or 19? If so, she is of the age of consent, and the thing to do here is to try and find out why she is behaving the way she is and to try and nudge her into a better direction for her life. This miscarriage might be a wake-up call for her to change her ways.
Although you say her family is against abortion, are they otherwise loving and supportive? If so, then when she is ready to, perhaps she can lean on them, too. If not, she needs to get her life in order and learn to stand on her own two feet before discussing this with her parents. There is, remember, no law saying she has to even tell them, but most people would rather let their parents know, I’m sure, rather than hiding such a secret for the rest of their lives.
Timing is everything, but healing must come first.
Hope that helps.
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