She Wants a Lot of Sex, but He Doesn't

Hello Papabear!

I'm not entirely sure where to begin, so I do apologize if this is long...

My husband/mate and I have been together for a total of 8 years this upcoming January (married almost six months of that). We love each other to bits, and like all couples, we argue. But when we do, it's more of a debate than an argument, we don't raise voices to shout at each other, we raise voices to clarify a point, and we always manage to work things out.

There's one thing though that we still can't break through. 

I have a high sex drive. Very high. It's on almost all the time due to a hormone imbalance. Now, I don't go acting out on it IRL, because I can't picture myself actually going to another man (or woman) and jumping their bones. That and I don't want to hurt him, I love him too much. Now, he is the polar opposite of me. His drive is minimal, I won't say non-existent because it is there, it's just wayyyyyyyyy below mine. As you can imagine this makes sex between us...kind of a two or three a month deal at the least (If I'm lucky, four times a month). When we do have sex, it's mind-blowing, best I've ever had, the end, so he doesn’t have ED or anything like that.

Now...when we have the dry spells, I start to get lethargic, and depressed. I thrive on affection and being touched, I love physicality (Is that even a word? Oh well, it is now.) And when I'm not paid attention too, I start to feel depressed. Thoughts that cross through my mind: "Am I doing something wrong? Am I not appealing enough? What do I need to do to make him notice me more?”

Now I have to backtrack a bit here to kinda ... help put things more into perspective. We are the result of a long distance relationship. By long, I mean I lived in the US, and he lived in the UK. We survived hardships because of my drive, and he even let me "Play" with other people online to help me get a lot of the ya-ya's out of my system. It did help, and I'm forever grateful for it because he's so understanding in that area, but now that I'm here...it's like...I don't know. Something's missing?

There's more...Him and I do things online still (me more so than him), though lately I've been just wanting to grab him and have a good solid few days of just making love. I want to be romantic and be the center of attention and please him, but he's always busy doing his thing. He'll play games, talk to people on IRC, focus on them...he says he does all that to de-stress. He was made redundant at his job (laid off) and has been looking for one since, and since I can't work legally (And I have celiac disease to boot) he's been worried about supporting me and keeping me healthy...and all I want to do is take his mind off of things by taking him to bed for a while. 

I guess I just can't wrap my head around how he works. I mean, it's like...he's in reverse. I'm going one way and he's pulling back into another. I worry about him and I want to de-stress him but the only way I know how, is the way I de-stress myself...To top it off when I get depressed, he finds it unattractive and it makes him less likely to actually want to be with me in an intimate sense, that just makes me feel worse.

We're both switches, but I lean more toward the bottom side, and he takes the top with ease. Sometimes I get a bit dommy and I go after him, but it's rare because I can't really read him, if that makes sense. If I could tell when he was in the mood it'd be easier for me. But I just can't, and that makes me feel less confident. 

Another thing that makes me feel...weird (or abnormal, I suppose), is that I'm female and yet I've the drive of ten rabbits jam-packed into me. It makes me feel like a freak. He's never stated that I am one, and he's supported me as much as he can, but I still feel so alone in this sometimes.

I feel so bad because sex is important to me, dare I say, one of the important things, and I don't know what to do. I want to be chipper and happy and stuff but I want to be all that with him, but I can't when he's all in his little world of online friends and stuff. I feel so left out in that regard. 

I know I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do. 

I hate feeling pent up sexually, but I also hate feeling like a selfish dork for wanting that fulfillment and having him enjoy it the same way I do. 

I would appreciate your help, any bit of advice will be greatly appreciated!

--Red Kitteh

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Dear Red Kitteh,

Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship, and Papabear knows that an otherwise loving marriage can end if the two people involved are not sexually compatible. So do not feel guilty that you want to have a sexually satisfying life with your husband (you also call him mate, so you are not legally married, I suppose?)

There are a couple things that might be going on here. The first one that comes to this bear’s mind involves stress. You say your mate has been laid off and is worried about supporting you.  Being out of work can be very depressing, and he might be trying to alleviate some of this by chatting online and playing games on the computer, etc., in order to escape from reality a bit. Don’t be offended, but spending time with you in any manner, sex or otherwise, might just be a painful reminder to him that he is, in his mind, failing you—and when you act depressed yourself, well, you’ve seen the results. This theory, though, assumes that his sex drive changed after he lost his job, and you have not indicated that to be the case.

Another factor could be age; you don’t mention how old he is, but older men tend to have lower levels of testosterone and lower sex drives as a consequence. The good news is that low testosterone is easy to diagnose with a blood test and his doctor can prescribe testosterone to boost his levels. If this is the problem, then it is easily resolved.  Complementary to this is your own hormonal issues, which you say have raised your libido. You do not mention whether you have, or can, seek treatment for that, but, based on your writing, I might assume that your hormonal issues are untreatable.

Other causes of low libido can be drug use (both legal and illicit), being overweight, alcoholism, and diseases ranging from diabetes to anemia to hyperprolactinaemia (a rare pituitary gland disease). How is his health? Has he had a medical examination lately?

The average married couple with no medical issues has sex about twice a week; in comparison, you say you are having sex about two or three times a month, so, yes, this is below normal unless the two of you are in your senior years. “Normal,” however, does not mean everyone will have the same experience; “normal” for your husband seems to be at this lower rate, and if he is not having any of the problems mentioned above, then that could just be what is natural for him.

One more thing: have you had a serious heart-to-heart talk with him about sex? Unless he’s very thick in the head, he surely knows that you want more from him than he is giving, but that is not the same as talking about the problem openly. Talk to him frankly about your bedroom problems, and you might find out that there is something going on you haven’t even guessed at. If something does come out, then do not be judgmental about it. Acknowledge what he has said and try and work your way through it. If you need help, you might also seek out a sex therapist, although this is likely not an option for you since neither of you is employed at the moment and insurance usually does not cover sex therapy.

You say you both love each other very much, Kitteh, so this is a relationship worth saving, says Papabear. See what you think about this bear’s suggestions, and if I’m not hitting the mark, write again and we’ll keep working on it.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear