She Needs to Not Freak Out So Quickly about Commitment

Hey Papa Bear!

This is my first time writing to you, and I really don't know how to start. I guess I'm going to jump right into the problem I have.

Recently I was heartbroken by my ex mate after spending over $500 of my graduation money to see him in real life. I have horrible luck with guys in my community, and online relationships just work for me, for the most part. After two weeks I had a miscarriage of his baby, and I was extremely suicidal. After getting a lot of the help I needed, I felt very lonely despite my medicine. Though the suicidal thoughts went away, I still felt the need to connect to someone in a relationship.

Well, someone I RP'd with was extremely interested in me. We were slightly sexual with each other, role-play wise, and I felt comfortable enough with him to moan for him over the phone. He never was upfront with me about what he wanted from me, and after a while I just assumed he didn't want to be my boyfriend. 

A week or so later, we still talked, but I signed up for something called Furry Mate, and I found a very sweet boy there. He's very nice, and I like him an awful lot, despite my dad's "NO DATING INTERNET BOYS" rage, it's just very hard for me to say no to him.

Well, just the other day, the guy I previously engaged with comes out of nowhere, and to my surprise he assumed we were already a couple! I was just... astounded. Because I just didn't expect that, and I wasn't sure what to do. I expected some sort of confirmation that I was his girlfriend.

I'm TOTALLY against cheating, but I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm cheating on the sweet guy from Furry Mate, but... I mean, the guy from the RP was there first.

I'm not a whore. I don't moan for everyone. I felt connected to the first guy just after a few days, and I like him a lot, I just figured he didn't want a relationship. To my surprise, he did, and already thought we were.

I'm not very good at hurting people, and I always feel extremely depressed. I don't want to choose between them, I'm tempted to just break it off with both of them to avoid conflict.. But I like them!

What should I do?

Lyla

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Hi, Lyla,

First of all, my sincere condolences for the loss of your child. I cannot imagine that kind of pain, but am relieved you got help and are feeling at least a little better.

On to your present situation: First of all, you can’t really “cheat” when it is just a virtual relationship. I know you have “better luck” with virtual boyfriends, but it is still not the same as having one IRL. Also, you made no commitment to this first guy, and the fact that he didn’t really communicate with you for some time and is now assuming you are his girlfriend is rather presumptuous of him, don’t you think?

You have not made a commitment to either of these guys, therefore you are not cheating on either one of them. In real life, it is perfectly fine for a boy or a girl to date more than one person at a time. You are, at this point in both relationships, just dating.

Papabear is not sure if it is a furry thing or if it is a generational thing, but I get a sense that young people these days jump waaaaay too quickly into serious relationships—or, at least, what seems to count for “serious” these days, which, to my mind, is just silly. You are young and it is too soon to be committing yourself to one person. This is a time in your life when you should be allowing yourself to have some fun, meet lots of people, and find out what is out there. 

Lyla, you already discovered what it is like, tragically, to get too serious too fast with someone. Don’t repeat that mistake, and certainly refrain from sex at this point. Papabear says, do not commit to either one of these boys. Also, tell them that. You can be friends, even do a little flirting, but I would recommend you not take relationships with either one too seriously, especially since you haven’t even met them IRL.

Take a deep breath, don’t take life so seriously, have a little fun. Your first priority is you: finding out what you really enjoy, what your purpose in life is, how to get along in the real world, and THEN work on a committed relationship.

Chill, hon. 

Hugs,

Papebear