She Could Resolve His Need for Online Role Playing by Indulging His Fantasies in Real Life (Followed by a Reversal)
Hello Papa Bear,
I have a problem I'm not sure if it is common or not. I've been with my significant other for almost two years, and we live together. But, I get nervous with them contacting other people and making friends, and my biggest worry is online role playing. Both he and I enjoy it, and while I hardly do it now, I don't use my fursonas. None of my furry characters, to be honest. It was agreed upon between us both not to use them, and now that we live together, it's weird role playing in the same house at times, and he recently asked to use the characters. The thing is, I'm not worried he'll cheat. Not once has that crossed my mind. I know he loves me, and he knows I love him. That's why it's so confusing for these emotions. I get worried, but not in the sense that others usually do. Just, the idea of his character interacting with someone else, and possibly having sexual interactions happening bothers me. We both agreed art is not acceptable with anyone else unless agreed upon prior and only with certain characters, and that all RP's excluding our own will be in non canon. But that doesn't make me feel better.
I have suffered from abuse and extreme abandonment to the point of being traumatized. Friends no longer wanting to be friends hurts me more than I can explain, and I've been yelled at, been locked inside rooms, and when expressing my emotions, I have been threatened by my own parents. And if that wasn't the worst part, not only did my father abandon me, but the entire side of that family wants nothing to do with my existence after accepting me with open arms and making me feel like part of the family. I highly think that this has something to do with why I'm worried about him RPing with others, but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what to do about fixing it, or healing in the least. I'm thinking about seeking a councilor, but they're too expensive at this time.
I'm really not sure what to do. Please help.
Conflicted Person (age 21)
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Papabear’s very sorry to hear that you suffered from so much abuse by the hands of your parents and others. I think you are correct that this troubled past is affecting your present situation. That was a very insightful observation on your part.
When it comes to fursonas, you clearly equate fursonas with the real person; therefore, when you or your boyfriend fool around online using a fursona, it is “cheating.” You say that it doesn’t make you think he’ll cheat when he does sexual RP, but obviously it does bother you. That’s because even though consciously you are okay with it, subconsciously you are not okay with it.
So, my question is how is your real-life sex life? If it is fulfilling, why is there a need to role play online? If it is not fulfilling, that would explain the online games and, I assume, masturbation to computer images. Either way, my suggestion would be to spice up your real-life sexual activities. Transfer your fantasy role playing to the real bedroom. Do you have a fursuit? Does he? You might try wearing them in bed. Here are some other tips for role playing in real life:
By working on your real sex life, you will achieve two things: 1) both of you will likely see less reason to play online because you’re having so much fun in your own bedroom, and 2) it will bring the two of you closer together; you will trust each other more because you have opened up more, which will lead to a stronger bond, and, with that, it should alleviate your anxieties that stem from your childhood abuse.
Part of the tragedy of Modern America is that the young generation is being brainwashed into believing that the virtual world is the place to be. In my (thus far) two years as an advice columnist, I see this as one of the biggest tragedies of today: a world of "communication" where no one is communicating, including in the bedroom. You have a boyfriend and you love each other. One of the joys of a loving relationship is real-life sex! Why would you pass that up for a computer? Do it! Have lots of it! It's good for you!
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I wanted to clear up that in my last message, I stated I have been with my significant other for two years, which confuses me as to why I would write that (dyslexia runs in the family so I think I have some mild form of it) but I've actually been with him for almost four years.
When it comes to our sex life, we are both very sexually driven. We are both very passionate lovers and are both very open to each other about our desires and fetishes. We have heavy amounts of fourplay before, and even at times where sex doesn't follow, and we have roleplayed our characters from time to time, but haven't tried the porn-mocking mailboy or poolboy scenario's yet, which I want to, and he has agreed to try for me. We talk dirty, and we talk loving, throughout the entire process.
Personally, I am a very Straight Demi-Sexual Monogamous person. I have to be with one person and one person only, and looks are almost not that big to me. I don't look around when I'm walking down the street or at a store. Friends and even family will point out someone they think is attractive, and I hadn't even noticed the persons existence. I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone other than my boyfriend or people that resemble him in some way or another.
When it comes down to roleplaying, I don't mean sexual roleplays, although they can happen. I mean, him and I both enjoy story driven scenareos. We enjoy roleplaying in a setting with reasons. That's why I, and I'm pretty sure, him, are not really interested in roleplaying with someone who wants sex and sex only. The thing is, I understand that when roleplaying with someone, characters can interact and relationships can develop. I'm not sure, but it's all just so scary. And I'm angry that I know that he isn't looking for an outlit for his sexuality. I feel like I shouldn't be bothered and I'm just hurting him, and I enjoy roleplaying too, but I actually never use any of my furry characters. I've always had a set of non-furry characters.
Something, though, is that in our first year together my mom found when she went on my computer without me knowing and onto my Facebook, saw I was roleplaying with one of my longest (ex) best friends. She told me that it was bad, that it was cheating, that my boyfriend couldn't trust me. I'm not sure if her words have stuck or not. Him and this same ex best friend started roleplaying, though. And like I said before, it wasn't for sex. It was an outlet for creativity. But, it turned into romance, which turned into sex, with all of his furry characters along with hers, and at one point she even drew art of one of her characters with his, which really destroyed me. She began to become obsessed with him. She would mockingly tell me things about /my/ boyfriend, as if I didn't know, or maybe even things I didn't know at the time. I think she developed a crush on him because she always wanted to roleplay and talk with him and it was just hard watching it unfold. This is what eventually destroyed our friendship and it's been about twoish years since her and I last talked, and same with him and her.
I'm sorry for rambling. I'm hoping that this helps bring light into the entire situation.
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Hi, again, Conflicted,
This is a totally different ball of wax from what you described in your first letter. The new letter explains well that your sexual relationship with your boyfriend is a good one, and also points out I was wrong in assuming the online role play was disturbing to you because it was sexual--it wasn't.
So the two key points of your new letter are the online relationship your boyfriend had with your now-ex girl friend and the fact that you mother snooped on your computer and told you that your role playing (even innocently) was cheating.
You noted in your first letter that the relationship with your father and his side of the family was horrible. How about your mother and her side? I, for one, wonder why a mother is spying on her 21-year-old daughter. You're a grown woman and what you're doing online is none of her business. I'd be pretty pissed off at her if I were you.
So, then your mother says what you were doing was "cheating." Um, no, it wasn't, especially when you and your boyfriend have agreed it's fine to do some nonsexual roleplay with others online. But now you have it stuck in your head that what your boyfriend was doing was cheating all because of your mother's unwise remark.
Do yourself a favor: ignore your mother's opinion, realize that you can have a little online RPG fun with other people and that it is not cheating. Give yourself and your boyfriend a break. Neither one of you is guilty of anything bad. You love each other, you have a good relationship, you have a good sex life, you have both agreed on certain do's and don't's when it comes to what you do online. In my opinion, you guys have it under control. You've been in a happy relationship for four years now, so why screw it up with insecurities that are not justified?
At this point, I would wonder if perhaps what is sneaking in here is that you feel very happy with your boyfriend but, on some very deep level because of the abuse you received, you feel unworthy of happiness, so now you are looking for a way to sabotage it, destroying the relationship and saying to yourself, "See? I didn't deserve happiness."
Knock it off.
Be happy! You deserve it! Stop overthinking and enjoy your couplehood. The only one making yourself miserable is YOU! Recognize that and realize that this guy loves you for a reason--because you must be pretty cool. Therefore, enjoy the happiness.
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