Sex in the Marriage Should Be 50/50

Hi Papabear! 

Okay, be prepared to read a wild tale.

I am a female Brony (or Pegasister, if you rather) who married a furry 6 months ago. I appreciated the furry culture before, and since I met my furry mate, I have been trying to create roleplays and the like that I think he would enjoy. My problem is that he doesn't like ponies (which I respect) -- unless it's vore. I don't know your feelings on vore, but I want to be able to please him. It's just difficult to simulate in real life and I'm having trouble coming up with things to say and do that will help his fetish. It's also difficult to truly immerse ourselves into the fantasy because we can't afford props or suits to play in. I call him my puppy and have taken the dominant role in our relationship, which is great for his submissive personality and for daily life, but I have trouble being the predator when it comes to our bedroom. How can I accommodate him? Do you have any advice on how I could gain enough confidence to be what he needs me to be? I've always been submissive before I met him, so I'm having trouble being on the other side of the whip. Please help!

Brofists and hugs,
Cupric Crystal

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Dear Cupric,

The specific fetishes etc. that you’re talking about here are irrelevant. It is also irrelevant whether or not you have the necessary props to perform a fantasy, since good role players can perform fantasies with or without such physical objects (remember, 90% of sex is in the brain, leaving only 10% for your poor genitals).

The real issue has to do with compatibility. I have to wonder how long you knew this furry before you married. Be that as it may, what makes a marriage or other partnership work is the give-and-take. That is, ideally, everything should be 50/50, including finances, housework, child rearing, and sex.

There are times when the 50/50 split has to be put on hold, such as when a partner is sick or out of work. When something like that happens, it is unfair to demand the one at a disadvantage to perform. An interesting example: I just watched The Theory of Everything last night, which is the story of Stephen Hawking. It focuses more on his personal relationships and struggle with ALS than on his academic achievements. Hawking (played brilliantly by Eddie Redmayne) meets and falls in love with Jane (also superbly played by Felicity Jones) while he’s at Cambridge. Even though they learn he has ALS and is expected to live only a couple of years (this is in 1963; Hawking is a testimony to the triumph of human will over medical “knowledge”), she sticks by him through thick and thicker. A funny scene occurs between Hawking and one of his school day chums when he is asked how ALS affects his sexual performance and Hawking replies that it is one reflex he hasn’t lost (he fathered 3 children while paralyzed). Anyway, the point is that Jane stuck by Stephen because she loved him and it wasn’t his fault he had ALS. However (spoiler alert) their marriage falls apart because of infidelity (on both of their parts, but—not properly emphasized in the movie—mostly on his part).

While you’re not talking about infidelity, what I mean here is that there is a time to compromise and there is a time to insist on your fair share. Your husband has no physical infirmity that you mention, so I assume he is in good health and there is no reason for you to compromise.

Therefore, you are asking me the wrong question. The question isn’t “How can I compromise even further to accommodate his needs?” The question, rather, should be “Why isn’t he doing anything to please me in return?”

You see, Cupric, if your husband returned the favor and stimulated you with your sexual fantasies, it would boost your libido significantly, and this would then make it much easier to play the dom role on occasion because you will have been sexually satisfied. The key ingredient here, therefore, is passion. You are having trouble satisfying him because you are not turned on, and you are not turned on because he has done nothing to show that he is sexually passionate for you as a person.

You need to make clear your needs in the bedroom, and if he is not okay with that then I foresee rough waters ahead for you and your marriage. Hopefully, he will see the light.

Good luck!

Papabear