Saying Good-bye to Former BFFs Is Part of Growing Up, Too

Dear Papa Bear, 

Thank you so much for answering my last question about Daisy. I hope that you can answer this one as well.

Daisy and I haven't been communicating much lately and it breaks my heart. She keeps ignoring my (and all of my other friends') texts and I have no idea why. I always text her and she never replies, but it says when she reads it. She means so much to me and I miss her more than anything.... I can't imagine the day I won't. We talked like every day until she started to fit in at school and meet her new friends.... I am very happy for her about that, but why is she forgetting about me? We don't even talk anymore and I don't know what to do about it. She has been my best friend for 8 years and she moved not long ago ... I hope she hasn't forgotten about me. I still think about her everyday and sometimes I get sad just thinking about her. I miss her so much. I don't have many friends here ... some good friends with about 2 best friends. So it's kind of hard for me. I really need to talk to Daisy and catch up on things, but it doesn't seem like she's all that interested in me anymore.

CJ (age 14)

* * *

Dear CJ,

In our first correspondence I talked about the different kinds of friends we make in life and how I thought you and Daisy would be BFFs, even if you no longer lived close by.

This letter, however, sounds like there was only one BFF between the two of you, and that was you. It sounds like Daisy is moving on, making new friends, and leaving her old ones behind, rather than making the effort to stay in touch.

You’re instincts are, sadly, likely correct. If she isn’t talking to you, she is probably losing interest. Papabear can’t judge her character, having never talked with her or met her, so there might be something else going on here. Pick up the telephone and give her a call and find out what’s up with her life. If she is not going through some personal tragedy or hardship that is preventing her from talking to you (although one would hope she’d want to talk to her BFF in such a case), then it is likely that she isn’t talking to you because she has simply moved on.

In my last letter to you, I said that learning to cope with separation was part of growing up. So is learning what it means to lose a friend. This will happen more than once in your life, and just as you will lose friends, you will make new ones. It is very rare that you will find that one friend who will stick by your side all your life. I thought, as you did, that Daisy was one of those, but perhaps not. On the other hand, maybe she is corresponding less with you because she believes that keeping the friendship alive when you can’t see each other regularly would be too painful. If that’s the case, then you need to show her that you can make this long-distance friendship work. [Note to readers: you might observe a difference here between my advice about LDRs when it comes to lovers vs. friends; I believe that long-distance friendships are possible because they don't require physical intimacy, whereas long-distance romance does require that close proximity in my opinion.]

Remember, this is a reflection upon Daisy’s character, not yours. You sound like a loyal and caring friend, a true friend. I hope you can still work it out. You’ll need to make an effort to talk to her again—a solid, heart-to-heart talk—and find out just what she wants. For the friendship to work, you both have to want it, and if she doesn’t there is nothing you can do about that but bid her farewell.

Hugs,

Papabear