Hi there, Papabear,
It’s been a while since I asked for advice. It's nothing bad—in fact, my life has been getting better since last we talked. What I really wanted to talk about were, well, matters of the heart. There's this person on FurAffinity I just started talking to on Skype about 3 or so weeks ago. He's really the nicest, sweetest guy I ever met, and, well, I just instantly crushed on him. I didn't really know what to say or do with the situation, so on a whim I just went straight for it and told him I liked him, but what really surprised me was that he said he liked me, too. You could tell how happy I was hearing that from him.... To keep it a secret about who it is I'll just call him TK.
I wanted to ask advice because I want to take things slow. We both do; before really asking the other to be in a relationship, figured it'd be best to get to know each other more. Still, I feel more nervous talking to him when I do get to know him. My mind keeps racing, thinking about if there're any faults about me he might not like. Like what if he doesn't like me if he sees a picture of how I look IRL; what if I do something stupid and he gets annoyed or angry at me? I just don't know what to do. This is the first-ever crush I ever tried to go through with. Since I'm bi I don't mind its a guy. I always thought I'd be with a girl first, but a guy is just as fine. I'm just really scared that I might mess up and destroy any chance of a relationship, or even more so destroy a great friendship I made with a really great bear. I'm really sorry if I sound needy, but this blue panda could really use advice.
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Nice to hear that things in general are going better for you. Also cool you have met a great bear (the coolest of the species, if I may not-so-humbly say so, LOL). I’m hoping that the two of you are living close enough together that this is not going to be another one of those virtual, long-distance relationships I keep hearing about from my readers. Let’s assume it’s not and that the two of you are able to see each other in person, muzzle to muzzle.
As you may have read in my other columns, a theme of mine is that fear is the worst decision-maker. When you let fear make the decisions for you, you will find yourself alone and without exciting prospects in your life every time.
While it’s wise that the two of you have decided to go slowly, don’t go so slowly that you stop dead in your tracks. If you allow fear to rule you, here’s what happens: you don’t show him what you really look like; you don’t talk to him openly and honestly, always being guarded and insincere. After a while (depending on how sharp this guy is) he will become suspicious that you are hiding something, which will be true. This will inevitably lead to a confrontation and to a break-up.
Want to keep this guy in your life? Bite the bullet, show him your current photograph or cam with him on Skype. Reveal to him your good and bad points. Unless you have fallen in love with God Almighty (I don't think He has an FA account, but lemme consult with the Vatican and get back to you on that), you will discover that your love interest is also flawed. We all are.
Will you get into fights and arguments? Likely, yes. That is part of any relationship. But if the two of you fall earnestly in love, you will be able to overcome your disagreements. Remember to always fight fairly, never with bitterness or hurtful words, but by presenting your side of the argument and trying to understand his side, as well. That’s how mature people settle things (though finding mature people these days is rather like locating a social programs supporter at the Republican National Convention).
In short, if you love this guy for who he is, then trust him to love you for who you are, as well. Give him some credit. And don’t be so self-critical. Think about your good qualities—I’m sure you have many or this guy wouldn’t like you, too.
I wish you love!
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