Pressure from Boyfriend Gets Her in Trouble with Parents

Alright Papabear,

A friend of mine (age 16), a recently converted furry, got herself into some stuff that I warned her away from in the very beginning (yiff). Now, it's mainly because her (also recently converted) ex-mate pressured her into it, but she and him both decided to try it just a little (despite my warnings), they both agreed that it wasn't comfortable. Her problem, or dilemma, I should say, her mum found out, they talked about it and her mum agreed not to tell her father, her mum turned right around and told her dad, causing her to be in major trouble, the got her Internet deleted off of her X-box and she's not allowed on very many websites, also she had her cell phone taken away, thus meaning she didn't get the chance to tell him what was going on. Her dad deleted him off X-box and he got all butthurt about it because she told him that they would always be friends. Now he's not talking to anybody, and she's falling into a state of depression, what's worse is the fact that she's gotten back with her ex-fiancé. She doesn't really know what to do and I'm trying my best to console her but I just don't know what to tell her, can you help me out, please? 

~Shadowrunn

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Hi, Shadowrunn,

I have a couple questions about your letter, if you don't mind. 1) are the punishments (taking away the phone, Xbox, etc.) permanent or just temporary bans? 2) why is getting back with her ex-fiancé characterized as "worse"? and 3) when you said they yiffed, does that mean going all the way, or just a bit of naked touching? and how did the mother catch them?

Thanks, your answers will help with my response.

Papabear

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Papabear,

Well the phone was a temporary ban and he created a new name for his account on Xbox so that's kind of also temporary, as far as the yiff, well they never actually met, which is why she got her phone taken away, it was all role play, but you know how that stuff can cause problems within the family, right? I'm sorry I probably should've mentioned this in the beginning.

Also the reason getting back with her ex is because he cheated on her more than once and she no longer really loves him and she's not exactly happy with him. I can see it in the way she talks about both of the boys, and I'm not sure if he can make her happy because he's clingy, I've seen this happen several times before with my mother and I don't want it to happen to her.

Shadowrunn

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Hi, again, Shadowrunn,

Okay, so a lot of this seems to be overhyped drama to this bear, on all parties. The parents punishing your friend just seem like they were grounding her for her behavior. There is a lot of concern these days with online predators and such, and they probably took the online yiff as a threat to their daughter (much of this fear is the result of overhyped media crap, but there are dangers with it). 

A lot of the drama is due to bad choices, engendered by inexperience. Your friend is merely 16 years old and entitled to make mistakes now and then. That is how we learn. Her now-ex-mate is being a typical teenage boy with raging hormones pressuring her to yiff online; the good news is that online yiff is, by definition, the safest sex possible. I was concerned when you first wrote that it was something more serious: actual coitus, as Sheldon Cooper would say.

What her parents should do, instead of just punishing her, is sit down and talk to their daughter and explain to her why they are so concerned. This would go a long way toward easing her depression in knowing that they don’t think she is an evil person, but just that they are concerned. You can help, too, by talking to her and explaining that her urges are normal and that she really hasn’t done anything all that serious.

Parents seem to think that their sons and daughters can always be good little boys and girls and not have sexual desires. If this had been the days before the Internet, your friend would more likely have been caught making out with a guy, kissing, heavy petting, maybe more. Guys, meanwhile, would likely be caught looking at Playboy centerfolds (usually stolen from their dads’ closets). These days, this stuff can be done online, which, if you think about it, is really a very controlled and antiseptic way of getting a little sexual relief.

Anyway, now this girl is making yet another mistake by going back to a boyfriend who cheated on her. Meanwhile, she can’t go back to her now incommunicado other boyfriend (who is also being a drama queen IMO), and maybe she shouldn’t if he’s the kind of guy who pressures her to do foolish things. My advice? She needs to take a break from boyfriends for a bit and focus on herself. She needs to gain a little maturity (duh). She needs to understand that she hasn’t really done anything that awful (despite what her parents have apparently told her) and that she is not a bad person. These are all things you can explain to her, Shadowrunn, and you can reinforce that by saying you think she’s really cool. She needs someone who is on her side, and right now she feels abandoned by her parents and her boyfriend—so much so she’s willing to go back to a guy who is a jerk. Not good. 

There is a lot of pressure in society for people to have a mate. At 16, she needs to realize that this should be the time for her to discover herself. What are her likes and dislikes? What career might she pursue in life? What are her values? She also needs to get out and just have some fun with friends. At this age, it shouldn’t all be about a desperate need for snogging, as they say in Britain. Oh, sure, kiss a boy once in a while for fun, but good grief, it’s not like you have to go get married any time soon.

She needs to gain some perspective and realize that this minor incident is not the end of the world, not the end of her life. It’s just a little bump in the road, a long road that she has yet to travel.

In other words, she needs to chill out. At 16, this might seem like the biggest tragedy ever in her life, but believe me, if this is the worst thing that ever happens to her she will have led a blessed life. Help her get this in perspective, Shadowrunn, and you will have done her an immense favor.

Hugs,

Papabear