Potential Mate #1: Lives Far Away, No Sex; Potential Mate #2: Nice Guy, but Is He Gay?

Dear Papabear,

You have helped me before and I was hoping you could help me with a different issue.

I recently moved into an apartment with a new roommate. Every day I become more and more attracted to him. He is funny, very nice, and we share a lot of common interests. He knows I am gay and is very supportive of that (his dad is gay) but he told me he himself is straight. 

However from the somewhat unsure way he told me this and by his behavior and some of the other things he has told me about himself and his past actions and relationships (including a few very brief straight relationships), I get the feeling more and more that he is at least bisexual.

Now for the other part of the problem, I'm already somewhat in a “relationship”' with someone. I've known him for a bout a year and a half now and I do love him, that is true. The problem is he is living out of state and can only visit once or twice a year and whenever he does I have only spend a day with him per visit.

During these visits I never feel any real urge to be physically intimate with him despite the fact that he does and that we have had opportunities to do so and the fact that we have had sex once. We talk of being intimate when talk on Skype and such, but when the opportunity occurs, I just don't feel anything.

The long-distance relationship is getting hard for me to keep up due to an increasingly busy schedule, living without my parents for the first time, and his own busy schedule.

I like my current boyfriend (although it is starting to feel more like a good friendship than a full relationship) but I feel more and more attracted to my new roommate, who is obviously closer and who could very much be a potential partner.

What should I do? Should I stick with my difficult long distance relationship, or try to move on to a new opportunity?

Sincerely,
Kuma

* * *

Dear Kuma,

It’s interesting to me that, in both cases, your relationship seems to be defined by sexual attraction. Relationships are not all about sex, although sex is an important factor. Before you make decisions about a relationship, though, you should weigh the other aspects of these two guys. Yes, you do note the first guy is funny, nice, and you have some shared interests, so what is it about the LDR guy that makes you love him?

But getting back to the sexual aspect. LDR guy doesn’t turn you on, clearly. You say yourself that you “don’t feel anything.” That, combined with the fact that you don’t see him in person very much, really equates to a bad-idea relationship. Papabear suspects you know that already and that what you want to do is break it off with him. You don’t need a second opinion to approve that decision, hon. If you don’t see a future with him, trust your gut on this.

As for Mr. He-Might-Be-Bisexual, be very careful of the possibility you might be projecting your desires onto him—that is, your desire that he be gay or bi could just be wishful thinking and you're deliberately interpreting his behavior as something it really isn’t. I would strongly advise you to not try to influence his sexuality by making any moves on him to “test the waters” and see if you can make his, you wish, gay side come out. Figuring out one’s sexuality is about as deeply a personal experience as one can have, and it should come from within, not from outside pressure. In other words, do not push him. He may, indeed, be straight, and, for now, you need to accept that or else risk destroying the relationship you have now. If things should turn out differently at some point, he’ll make it clear to you at that time.

In summary, Kuma, based on what you say in your letter, neither one of these guys is, at this time anyway, a good choice for you. You need to find a guy who offers more for you than a long-distance, sexually sterile relationship, as well as more from a guy who seems nice but hasn’t figured out who he is yet. Remember, though, to also look for other traits that appeal to you besides just sex. Keep looking.

Hugs,

Papabear