I am in a relationship with a male who is younger then me. I am 27, he is 23. We've been in this relationship for awhile, about 6 years online, and we just moved in together, with his parents. The reason why I am writing is because I'm curious if I'm wrong in my attitude around him. He claims he loves me and we eat together, and spend maybe 6 hours together during the day, but the rest of the time (from 6 pm onward) he spends online on gaming sites until 3 or 4 am. I completely fall by the wayside and I feel out of sorts and unwanted. If I question him he tells me I give too much (too much love, too much information, too much attention, too many gifts... just too much of everything) to the point that he feels annoyed. I wonder if my feelings of wanting more attention is normal, or not.
Thank you, Papa Bear.
Overwhelmed in Oregon
* * *
It’s nice that, after 6 years online, you’ve finally gotten together for a live-in relationship (although I would strongly suggest that the two of you are old enough to live somewhere besides with the parents). What I’m seeing in this letter are two things: 1) yes, you are perhaps a bit too clingy and needy, and 2) your mate has a serious problem with online gaming addiction.
You say the two of you spend 6 hours a day together and then he goes off in the evening until the wee hours of the morning playing games. I assume, then, he sleeps until, like, 10 or 11 am or later. Then he gets up, spends time with you, and goes back to gaming. First suggestion: get a job or go to school. What’s going on there? Sounds like he does nothing but hang around the house and game. And, how about you? Are you working or going to school? Doesn’t sound like it. I think you both need to get your bums moving in this area.
Anyway, we have a bit of a personality conflict here. It’s sweet that you want to spend time with him, give him gifts and affection, but you’re obviously overwhelming him; meanwhile, he’s the kind of the opposite. Remember, relationships are about compromise. A good compromise would be for him to reduce his gaming time to, at most, three hours a day (less is preferable); in exchange (ironically), you can try to be a bit less clingy and needy. Both of you need to find a little independence, and a good way to do that is for you to find some employment or attend school so that you have other things going on in your life besides each other and the computer. I suggest the two of you team up to figure out what you’re going to do with your life goals. That will give you something practical to work on. Life is not all about romance (gifts and affection) and computer games. You need more of a balance between fun and practicality.
Compromise, meet each other somewhere in the middle. Remember, in a relationship it’s not about you, it’s not about him, it’s about the both of you working as a team together. That’s what makes matehood both difficult and wonderful at the same time.
Leave a Reply.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.