Older Furs Ignore Me

Dear Papabear,

Should I be feeling the way I am?

Lately I've been feeling rather lonely, despite being with some of my closest friends. The thing is, they are all older than I am, older to the point where they can go places I can't. They always come back happy and tell me all about how much fun they had, while I was wondering if they were going to text back. I can't help but feel left out whenever that happens, and every time it hurts a little, because I want to be part of the fun too, but I just cant.
Recently, one of them - One I was really close with - Came back telling me they met someone they can 'have for their own', and they always used to hug me and say 'mine'.. I cant help but feel abandoned or replaced now, and nothing has made me feel any better.
On top of it all, I love one of them, but I just get the feeling it's not mutual, he says he likes me a [lot] too, but he always seems to be too busy to say anything to me, if I don't start the conversation, it doesn't happen. As if to emphasize that, he was in town a couple days ago, but he never said anything to me, nor did he say he was even coming in. I was left at home, as always, wondering if he would text back.
It wasn't until this morning that he did, and still he hardly said anything. He never even mentioned he was in town, the only reason I knew he was was because he was with one of my other friends, and they were talking about it.
All of these things have just been making me feel more and more depressed, to the point where I don't want to do anything, eat, sleep, talk to anyone, I just want to sit alone, and the worst part about it is no one asks if I'm okay, because they hardly say anything to me anyways.
Should I be feeling like this or am I just being melodramatic?

Blitz.

[Papabear needed a little more information before answering Blitz, so he emailed him back, sending him a hug and asking for a little more detail. Blitz wrote back the following.]

*Hugs back tight*

I turn 16 this year.

Its not that I have trouble making friends with people my age, I can, and I have, but with any of my friends closer to my age, I just can’t show any kinds of feelings like I can for my furrier, older friends. I haven't known them all for too long (almost a year now) but even so, I know them and they know me more than my other friends, I can hug them and it’s not awkward, and with them anything like cuddles or snuggles is practically second nature. Most of them are aged around 21, except for the one who I feel closest with, the one who I have such deep feelings for. He turns 18 this year, so not a huge age difference, but it is enough I guess.
He is the only person I've ever met who I feel comfortable talking to on any subject.

I haven't said much to anyone because of course they'll try to include me more, but it would be to make me feel better, not necessarily because they really want to.

They don't do a lot of going to bars, or even drinking for that matter, it's just that they do things I can't, or they just choose not to include me.
As far as words, I am a very quiet person, to anyone. I just don't say much, I'm shy.

There is a meet that happens every year around here, and they've all said they want me to come, but, do they really?

For most of them, we all like to snuggle, cuddle, hug, and then we all like to go to the mall, or go see a movie, or go out to eat, the usual.

It's probably not the way it should be, but all of my fur friends, they mean so much more to me than any of my friends from school. Sure, I could do any of the above with my friends from school, but not all of it feels right, hugging, snuggling, cuddling, etc, I can't do with my friends from school, it just wouldn't feel the same.

I don't want it to be the way it is, but if I say this stuff to them, whether you think so or not, it would be like I'm guilt-tripping them. Yes, they would treat me different, but I don't want to be the one changing that.
And because of how close I am with most of them, they're not friends I can just say goodbye to.

* * *

Hi, Blitz,

This does seem like a fairly complicated situation you’re in. It sounds like your friends from school who are more your age are not furries, while your older friends are. You don’t say so directly, but it also sounds like you might be gay or bi and that some of your older furiends are as well, and you all like to snuggle and cuddle and such, which is nice. Even if you are straight, furries are very huggy creatures, openly affectionate, while nonfurries are not so much.

I’m still not clear on why it is that you can’t go and do the same things as your older friends. It doesn’t sound as if they are going anywhere that is age-restricted. You say they do things that you can’t, which, again, is not clear, unless you are suffering from some sort of physical disability that prevents you from doing these things. It doesn’t sound as if you are, since it sounds like you are perfectly capable of doing things with your same-age school buds, if you wished to, and you clearly wish to be included in your furiends’ activities, as well.

*Deep breath.* Okay, the way that Papabear is reading this is that your older furiends like to snuggle and hug you on their own good time, but they like to do things with people their own age when they go out on the town and don’t want to include you for whatever reason when they do this.

HOWEVER, when it comes to the annual furmeet, they want to include you. So, Papabear is going to interpret your email to mean that when the older furs are doing stuff without you, it is stuff that is not involving furries and they are embarrassed to have you tag along because of your age (in the teen years, a couple years’ difference is a big deal, whereas it isn’t so much later in life). BUT, when it is a furry event (and all furries know that everyone is welcome at a furmeet), then it is okay for you to come and they are not embarrassed.

In other words, these people are your friends when it is time to be a furry, and they are not being good friends when they are not doing furry things.

Papabear believes that when they asked you to come to the furmeet with them, they were sincere. They like you as a furry, and, if I were you, I would not believe that the invitation was just extended as a kind of charity.

It is wonderful to have furry friends, and many people join the fandom to find friends within it, and they do! However, Papabear believes that TRUE friends are those who are your friends both within and without the Fandom. Friends want to be with you at a furmeet, at the movies, in a restaurant, with their families, or wherever they might be because they like you for you. True friends do not make you feel lonely, rejected, and like a burden.

You say you are a shy person, and Papabear believes that, judging by your two letters. Even though it might be difficult for you, the best way to resolve your discomfort about your relationship with your furiends, including the one you feel so much love for, is to tell them how you feel. Lack of communication is the single biggest cause of trouble within any relationship, whether it is with a family member, a friend, a lover, or a spouse.

Please try talking to your furiends about how you feel. If they really are your friends, they might be a bit surprised by what you say, because they might not realize there is a problem, but they will still love you and hopefully include you in their activities.

If, on the other hand, they accuse you of being a “drama queen” and they reject your feelings as not being legitimate (and they ARE legitimate feelings!), then these people are not the kind of friends you need in your life. That might be harsh, and it might not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

As for friends your own age, while you might not know any furries at school, believe Papabear when he tells you that there are plenty of furries your own age out there. You just need to find them. I would recommend you do so, no matter which way it works out with your older furiends.

Good luck, Blitz. Papabear wishes you the best.

Hugs,

Papabear