I... I need help. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a friend which I know for the longest time.. 8 years to be precise... We've been best friends since I've know it... The first time we talked was at a furry forum. Since then we've been together in everything... And during one point of our friendship... We used to date. I had dated others before, long-term relations of course but... With the others was always a certain feeling of empathy... Not true love. But with this friend of mine... Was genuine love. We didn't dated because we felt sorry for one another... We dated because we really liked each other.. And... We ended up breaking up... I can't remember the reason, I think my brain locked that memory but still... I entered the worst depression of my life.... I thought that the only way for that to end was to stop talking with him.... But that didn't helped... At all. So a few months later I decided to talk with him again... Perhaps ask for a second chance but... He was already dating someone else... I didn't even told him about what was on my mind. I just faked a smile and congratulated him. I couldn't deal with that. I just couldn't... So I stopped talking with him again... A few years later I was dating someone else and I thought that I had finally gotten over it but... I never forgot him... I tried to talk with him again but this time I thought that maybe if I was his pet it would be better.. You know, it is some kind of relationship after all right? Wrong... It wasn't the same... I just knew it... It would never be the same thing as it was when we were dating... It just wouldn't.... I couldn't do it... I just couldn't... So I stopped talking with him yet again... Last year... I went back to talking with him... Because I needed to leave the state I was living in because of some shit and we, as friends formulated a plan together for me to flee my state and to the one he lives at... Last month that plan was set to motion... And all that I could think about was that I was gonna have another shot.. Another chance to make that happen... I maybe could have you know... Have a chance of being his boyfriend again... But.... When I arrived... I found out that he already had someone else... I know, I had said that already but at the time as far I knew it he was single... And when I saw him with his date... I just crashed... We still hang out, chat, but... I can't help it... Every time I see him with his date... All I can think about is that I wanted to be there.... I wanted to be in his arms... I wanted to be kissing him... I wanted to be making love with him... And everyday I am in the same state... Crying... Depressed... Because of that... Even more because now he's so close... And yet I can't have him... I don't know what to do... I need your help...Please.... What do I do... What?
Darendaugh Rilimech (age 21, Brazil)
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Before you even consider trying to get back together with this love interest of yours, you need to work on yourself. Looking at it from the other guy’s perspective (let’s call him “B” for convenience’s sake), you have broken up with B no less than three times, and then tried to get back together (now working on your fourth time). Key here is the first break up. Papabear’s instincts are shouting at him that you actually DO know the reason you broke up the first time, but won’t admit it, will you? Probably because you know it was you who was to blame. Someone that important in your life and a breakup that hurt that much? You don’t forget things like that. Step one: confess to yourself the real reason you broke up the first time. Only then can you start to figure out how to repair the relationship.
What followed that first breakup was a string of events where you go back to him, then break it off and don’t talk to him, and then go back to him again. Each time, it seems, you are the one withdrawing, not him. Can you see what this might look like to B? If I were B, I would think you were a really high-maintenance friend. Yet, even after you broke it off with B repeatedly, he offered to help you when you had to move, and now he is facing your drama again.
There’s a phrase we sometimes use in America, and please pardon me for saying it. I do this as a wake-up call to you and with love in my heart....
Get your head out of your ass.
Translation: stop thinking only of yourself and your own romantic needs, and start observing more what is going on around you and how you are affecting others.
Love, my friend, is not a selfish pursuit. True love is giving and selfless. Everything I read in your letter is about me, me, me. Your wants, your needs. Only when you resolve to live for others and to give of yourself through love will you find happiness again.
Wishing You Love,
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