Moving in Together Is a Big Step Not to Be Rushed Into

Hey Papa,

Back again,

I just recently lost my Grandmother, who I had been living with since mid 2011. Since her passing, I have found it awkward to stay in the home for long lengths of time. I now spend more time with my boyfriend than I do at home. I can't move in with him because his place is small and I would have to sacrifice too many of my personal belongings. I've been looking into apartments in the area and have found a nice one with no bad reviews. It seems perfect; it's within our price range, and I would even get a 5% rent discount every month because my employer is on their preferred list. 

The problem is, when I brought it up to my boyfriend, he said he "tried them and it didn't seem like a good deal." Referring to when he moved into the area. Papa, the apartment is $545 a month without the 5% discount... he currently pays over $700 a month for his place. I'm not sure what to do. We've been dating for 8 months. Is there a way to change his opinion or is it a lost cause?

Ingavar

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Hi, Ingavar, and welcome back :-3

My sympathies on the loss of your grandmother. 

As for moving arrangements, a couple of options: 1) you could move in with your boyfriend and put your excess belongings in storage until a later time (I’m assuming the two of you would split the rent and utilities?), 2) if you can afford it, you can move into your own apartment by yourself and continue to date your boyfriends; then later talk about other arrangements, or 3) you could stay at your grandmother’s place.

You’ve only been dating this guy for eight months. Moving in together at this point is a bit premature, anyway. What if you did move in with him, or he moved in with you, and then you broke up for some reason? Living together is a real test of any relationship, and is often the cause of young couples breaking up before they have a chance to really get to know each other. If that happened, you would find yourself looking for a place of your own anyway. 

I’m not sure why staying in your grandmother’s home is so impossible. Is it unaffordable for you now that she is gone? That I can understand. Is it just the “creepiness” factor? If so, give it time and I’m sure you can get comfortable, again, especially if you redecorate and make the place your own.

If your boyfriend doesn’t understand the math involved with the two apartments, it could be he simply doesn’t wish to move, which demonstrates a certain resistance toward accommodating his life to better suit yours. In other words, he would rather inconvenience you and also pay more money than move into a suitable, cheaper place for the two of you. I don’t know about you, but that sets off a signal flare of warning in this bear’s mind right away.

Before making any decisions, you need to have a long chat with your boyfriend and see where he is in the relationship. Could it be you might be assuming he is okay with the two of you living together? Perhaps you are being presumptuous and he is not ready for it and is feeling pressured. Therefore, if financially feasible, Papabear recommends your looking for living arrangements elsewhere until you and your boyfriend have a more solid and committed relationship.

Let me know how it works out.

Hugs,

Papabear