Might Premature Birth Be Linked to Her Infidelity as an Adult?

Dear Papabear,
 
It is obvious to me that you write words yourself meaning they are in your own words from the heart. I find that so important and yet so rare. 

After reading a few of your responses to other individuals' letters, I felt I would value your advice on the situation I'm about to explain to you that I'm currently in. You mentioned often talking about psychotropic drugs which I think your experience in that area gave you an open mind therefore you have unique perspectives that you wouldn't find elsewhere. Which is what I believe I need in order to help me make this important decision soon.

[(Real quick, I just ask that you remove my name from this letter. I included it for your knowledge in case you like to calculate numbers and astrology and what not. But I ask that if you post this on your site or elsewhere, kindly remove my name :) thanks so much. OH and just forewarning that I am completely frank in this letter to you. If you don't mind that meaning there is sexual situations I bring up. Just wanted to warn you so you I don't throw you off being so blunt ;) thanks ahead of time)]

... I was born on December 28, 1987 around 7:14pm (I don't trust the time on my birth certificate to be 100% accurate so I just say "roughly"). I was born at C.H.O.M.P. [Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula] in Monterey California, and according to my mom, the doctors thought she was late so they induced contractions to force her body to give birth to me. Though my mom totally disagreed with the doctors, explaining to them that she knew the exact day I was conceived and she still had a good month and a half to go. The doctors quickly won her over because of "paperwork." My mom decided to trust the doctors decision and the next day I was born. So it was always from day one that I was going to be pushed in directions against my will. I was born premature (go figure) as I came out of my mothers belly I was blue and covered in white powder. I wasn't ready to face the world but there I was.

Fast forward to the past few years. In 2011, I married the man of my dreams. We both had very promiscuous pasts, and so when we found each other and wanted to settle down was a miracle in and of itself. The past 6 years have been an incredible journey of soul searching with each other. We managed to peel away the layers of indoctrination and survived starting our lives from scratch to rebuild what we know to be true based on our own research and experience rather than trusting men just because they are experts or "we've just always known...". There were many times personally that were extremely emotional and hurtful to me but I fought through them. Now we come to my dilemma which I am needing some sage advice on. 

The past year, I can't get my husband hard, the times that I do, he goes soft real quick and we never finish. I've always preferred the guy to cum fast as it was an indicator to me that I was doing my job. I could always take care of myself so when it came time to do the dirty, I wanted him to get his. That's my goal. It was never an issue until the past year or so. But I'm a fighter and don't give up easily. so I did some research and tried new things, old things, simple things, lots of things to see what would get him going again. Nothing seemed worked. So the sex just started to dwindle. Which was no real big deal as I prefer him to be satisfied and come quick as opposed to drawn out hours of sweaty itchy skin irritated attempts. So if he wasn't getting off then might as well not do it. No harm no foul. As the intimacy dwindled, our friendship doesn't seem to be affected. We work together from home and our work relationship is far better than our sex life. Which doesn't bother me that much lately since our sex isn't something to get excited over. Frankly, I have always had a connection with a close friend of both of ours. The past two years the sexual tension increased between this guy and I (he was born June 28 1979, a Cancer) and I finally did something I thought I'd never do. The night before thanksgiving, I stopped by his work and had the best quickie of all time. Since then we've done it 3 times. Every day I get more and more this feeling like I'm being held back from living and doing what I want and desire in life. Having tasted something I want more, someone I fit with more, someone who gets turned on by just being around me and vise versa, I'm feeling an urge to end something and move on, but which is it? Am I supposed to end the good feeling that makes me happy? Or end it with the one I promised 6 years ago never to leave? 

My heart wants something different than my husband wants. But I don't want to make a huge deal out of it. Although I realize I did just commit adultery which makes it a big deal by default. If it's time for me to move on, which I strongly believe it is, which direction am I moving? Thanks for your help :) please don't think of me as a worthless selfish whore cuz I already feel like one and recognize what I did was not generally acceptable. I get it. But I did what I did and even if I hadn't slept with him, I had this feeling of disconnection from my life's desire long before that happened. This just jump started my and probably prematurely induced my decision time. But maybe prematurity is in my blood ;)

* * *

Dear Writer,

While the majority of letters I get here concerning infidelity are still from men, women going astray is on the rise in America, and, according to this article women "cheat" about as much as men do these days. I am not going to judge you--especially since, as a bear who is in an open relationship, I don't have a paw to stand on. Human beings are not as monogamous as some other species (e.g. bird species such as swans and bald eagles mate for life with no problem), and polygamy is a more natural state for us. Usually, the logic I hear is that since males can fertilize more than one woman at a time, it makes sense that they are "unfaithful" and want to have sex with many women, while women can only be pregnant in a linear fashion, so it makes sense they are more monogamous. In the article referenced above, however, women apparently are better at multiple pair bonds than men. So, go figure. Monogamy among Homo sapiens is really more a matter of culture (social pressures, religion) as a normative force than a matter of biology.

Don't beat yourself up about that.

That said, I'm wondering if you actually gave your husband a fair chance before you ran off for your fling? A couple things might explain his tumescence problem: 1) He might be experiencing health issues that make it difficult to get hard; you don't mention anything, but is it possible? Being flaccid can result from diseases (diabetes, heart trouble, depression, anxiety) and/or the medications used to treat them. 2) You say you want him to cum really fast and if he doesn't then you lose interest. Well, maybe he needs more time. Maybe he wants to enjoy a long time with foreplay to get aroused; maybe he can still get hard, but you're in such a hurry that he feels pressured, leading to anxiety and trouble performing. 3) He might not be getting aroused if you are doing the same things over and over in your attempt to stimulate him. To be blunt, your overtures might be getting boring for him. The solution to this problem is to try new things--new positions, new role playing, new fantasies--to bring back some excitement and novelty to sex.

Should one of the above be the problems be the issue, and should you be able to resolve it, would you go back to him? You know, there are more things in life than sex, and if this guy is a great husband and the only issue is sex, you might want to give the relationship more effort before abandoning it.

Another possible solution: You mention that you were both very active before you met. Have you talked about mixing it up with a threesome? Group sex? Even possibly a polyamorous relationship? There are many possibilities in this area.

I also find the paragraph about your premature birth an interesting, and telling, addition to your letter. I had to pause a moment and think why you included it. It is important how you write, "So it was always from day one that I was going to be pushed in directions against my will. I was born premature (go figure) as I came out of my mothers belly I was blue and covered in white powder. I wasn't ready to face the world but there I was." Then you go into how you were married, etc. I have to think that, for some reason, you felt pushed into getting married and now, in the interest of not feeling controlled by others, you are deliberately sabotaging your marriage by having an affair. Thoughts?

You might not want to "make a huge deal out of it," but, sorry, it IS a huge deal because you're talking about a break-up. You need to consider this long and hard (pun intended) before you take the next step. Is sex the only thing important to you, or do you want something more out of life? Is this problem with your husband ONLY about sex, or are other things going on that you're not telling me? Have you even TALKED to him about this problem, or are you just keeping quiet and having sex with this other person?

Look before you leap, hon. While you deserve to be happy, be considerate of your husband's feelings, too. If you truly love your husband, don't you think you should consider his feelings more? Doesn't he deserve to know what is going on with you, the woman he loves?

I hope this helps clarify some things for you.

Hugs,
Papabear