Learning to Accept It When a Love Interest Just Wants to Be Friends

Dear Papabear,

I’m a female, 24 years old. I'm a bisexual. For the first time, I'm falling in love with a girl. She is my best friend. Absolutely, I never think to have a romantic feelings with her because I think she is not attracted to me. I’ve known her for 5 years before I had feelings for her. I'm slowly falling in love with her because we had to work out of town for two months it makes me stay in same place. She is always around me, sending me flirting message, holding my hands, and teasing me. Her body language tells me she likes me (I think). I never noticed her before because she treated me like that. I'm falling in love with her. After that work, we still make a conversation with social media, meet up, have dinner, watching fil [?], running and playing badminton together. I can see she loves me from her eyes, her body language. Until I know she climbed up the mountain with her ex and her friend. I'm jealous, but I'm silence, and the other day she attended graduation of her ex. I'm very jealous, but I never tell her why. I just argue something not necessary with her. I still act nice with her, but the truth is I'm deeply hurt. I feel she is just playing on my feelings. Until one day she asked me to be a partner to work out of town again. I'm accepting that (actually, I'm still in love with her).
 
First month still be ok, but she is so bossy; she gets mad if I don't do what she wants; she’s always right that I know. Second month I totally can't help myself again with angry feelings. I'm like a bomb, I'm explode, I don't want to talk with her, make a line, we argue, I just feel hurt and I know she feels that too (maybe). We disclose until few months and close again when I'm moving up from her town. I have a dinner with her at night, I will go. I give her shoes because I know she really likes running. I work to get money to buy it (it's expensive), and don’t use my parents’ money, and then tomorrow she asked me to take her to the airport. I said "ok.” She bring me to the airport, and gave me a present: a box with butterfly decorations and a sketchbook (she knows I really like drawing; I often sketch her face), and a bag with embroidery of my name. I still communicate with her, until I wanted to come out. I asked her what her feelings were for me? Does she feel the weird feeling I have? She said, "I think I don't feel what you feel to me."
 
It so hurt when I read it. I didn’t reply to her message for 3 weeks, and then I decided to reply. I told her, maybe 2-3 years I have feelings for her. I can understand if she thinks it's weird. I try to change. I pray, read the Bible, go to church, but it doesn’t help me. I'm deeply in love with her. This is my first time being a crazy girl who loves a girl, and I told her I love her no matter what. I said, if she wanted make a line with me, I'm okay because it's her decision. She said she wants to be my good friend. I'm lucky not because my love is unrequited, but she accepts me being her friend no matter what. I know my place, and I said, “good bye," but she doesn’t want me to stay away. It hurts. She just doesn't understand it's hard for me to stay around her when she doesn't have the same feelings like me. And now I don't make contact with her for maybe 3 weeks. Yesterday, she posted 2 photos on Instagram, using the shoes I gave to her.
 
What should I do? Is she sending me a code like "I like you too; I miss you"? Or does she just like the shoes I gave her?

Thank you. Best regards,

Anonymous (Indonesia, age 24)
 
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Dear Furiend,
 
So, as I understand it, this is a case of unrequited love. You love her in a romantic way, but she just wants to be good friends. Correct?
 
It sounds as if you have done all the right things. You have talked to her about your feelings and she has expressed her feelings back to you. I've gone through the same thing you are going through right now. I told someone I love that I wanted to be with him, and he told me that it wouldn't work out and we should just be good friends. He gave a number of reasons (none of which were insurmountable), and I knew they were merely excuses and he was just trying to let me down easy. Yet, I also believed him when he said he cared about me and liked spending time with me and being my friend. So, that's it; today we are good friends.
 
One thing we need to learn in this world is we can't always have something just because we want it. The second thing to learn is that if you don't get it, it is not the end of the world.
 
Believe it or not, there is more than one person in the world out there for you. If there weren't, it would be really hard to find that one person among the 7+ billion people out there, wouldn't it? The things you like about this woman are not exclusive to her. There are, I'm certain, other people with similar qualities--and one of those people will not only have those qualities but will also be open to having a romantic relationship with you. Someday, you will find that person.
 
Before you do, however, you will need to stop obsessing over the woman who just wants to be friends. If you pursue her energetically, you will end up chasing her away even farther. Instead, accept her friendship. Friendships can be wonderful, beautiful things and should not be dismissed lightly. Using the above example, I would never tell the guy who rejected me that I want him out of my life because I value what we do have. Another example: recently, sadly, I was on the other end of the story: I broke up with someone who really loved me. I knew he loved me and I cared a lot about him, but he was so obsessive and jealous about this love that I just wasn't ready for it at this time in my life. Unfortunately, I can't just be friends with him because he once told me he could not bear being in the same room with me and "just be friends." The only solution was to break it off entirely. Is that what you want? Because that is what will happen if you obsess about this other woman.
 
Judging by what you have said about her, a romantic relationship is not an option. Either accept her as a friend or, if you can't bear that, break it off completely. (I hope you will choose friendship). Drop the jealous act. Jealousy is an ugly green demon and will only hurt you. Leave yourself open to other possible relationships. Be open to love, but not possessive of it, and it will find you.
 
Good luck, dear,
 
Papabear