Mate Is Distrustful and Controlling

Hey there, Papabear,

It's DT here after quite some time!

Anyway, I'm just writing I guess as an update and a further question about what to do.

So... remember that guy I was telling you about who I was into and was into me, but stuck on his ex? Well a lot of time has passed, they broke up again last year and we started talking once again in October. Since then we've been getting closer and closer, seeing each other many times throughout the week.

We're getting closer and closer to a real relationship. He agreed to pick up the "dating" moniker and things have been.... well somewhat smooth.

We started having a few disagreements and he ended up getting angrier and angrier with what I was doing, so he ended up telling me a bunch of rules to follow and, despite me not agreeing with them, I agreed to follow. They were relatively simple, no RPing with my main 'sona (other sona's allowed), no pictures with my main sona with anyone else and not in YCHs unless topping. And no browsing FA without telling him about it or including him in some way. And he stalks my page so he knows if I was like faving something without him.

I don't agree with them, but I understand why he wants them. And they're not really that big a deal. So I agreed to them and have been staying with them, but the arguments keep happening.

Every now and then (about once a week or every two weeks), something will set him off and he'll fly off the handle, going off on me (always over text as well), sometimes insulting me, sometimes just saying I don't care about him or love him. Every now and then he brings up his ex as well. He can be pretty petty at times, and will even admit this. The most recent thing to set him off was during a misunderstanding when I thought he was asking to come over when in reality he was asking if I wanted him to go to Walmart with me. He asked me why I would think that and I mentioned "I dunno. second thoughts?" and he blew up in the course of 3 messages and such. Got him to calm down about an hour later and chill with me.

I always get him to calm down after a lengthy conversation. I'm pretty good at that. I let him know that we should compromise and try talking before letting emotions get out of hand, to call more often if tensions start getting high, etc. But he only seems to partially follow this. Instead he wants me to apologize and change something else about me, which I do. Each time.

I know it feels like I shouldn't be doing that, but it’s what calms him down and it usually is something I should have seen, but I don't like how almost every time is the "last" time and he's always "done" with me. It really is disconcerting. I'm trying my best and working on everything. It doesn't feel like he is, but he insists he is whenever I bring it up.

That's another issue. I want to bring things up with him, but the only time I really can are during these fights wherein he claims I don't stand up for him or care for him or agree with him on things. I feel like if I try to bring up anything, he'll get angry with me, and it’s just not worth it.

I feel like there are things I can't do without upsetting him as well. Like there are a couple parties this weekend I would like to go to and I have invited him. Told him he should come with, but he refuses to go to any furry party and anybody's house. And I know if I go he'll whine and be upset that I went, so I'm probably not going to go. Just chill with him instead I suppose. This has happened before.

I know it sounds bad. It does. But when these things aren't happening he's incredibly sweet, close, talkative. I love it and I feel like I do love him. It's just this is beyond frustrating and it's changing just so slowly. During the fights, he keeps saying he wants to just shut everything down in this un-official relationship, but I always end up talking him out of it, and saying something to try to change, to make it better. And that's pretty much the end of discussion until the next one.

The only other issue is sex I suppose. I mean, the sex is great. He can be a bit too bitey, but most of the time it’s great. I just wish I could penetrate. He likes to say "total top" but I dunno. He's pretty submissive emotionally. Doesn't seem to like things up the rear though, so looks like I'll have to wait.

Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out what to do I suppose. I do love him and he says he loves me. Says it and writes it down. I'm just getting really frustrated with this. I'm tired and it feels like I'm getting nowhere. And I've been changing so much. Doing basically everything he asks of me. What do you think I should do?

Thanks and have a great day!

-DT

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Hi, DT,
 
What you’re dealing with here is a very insecure mate. When people are insecure about their relationships, one thing they often do is try to control their partner. They become fearful if they feel they don’t know what their partner is doing all the time, and they quickly become jealous. I don’t think I need to tell you that this is not healthy. You’re giving in to him all the time just encourages the behavior. What you are doing is bending over backwards all the time to make him happy. And how about you? Are your needs being met? They are just as important as his needs. You don’t seem overly happy in the bedroom, and you are restricted in what you are able to do socially, such as what events you are allowed to attend.
 
If you are truly determined to work on this relationship, then you need to bolster your partner’s self-esteem and trust in you. Some suggestions:
 

1. Take pains to give praise and say “thank you” for things he does for you and around the house.
2. Pick activities to do together to reinforce your bond.
3. Create friendships with people who are not “your friends” or “his friends” but “our friends.”
4. Be transparent. He obviously doesn’t trust your Internet activities. I would not hide what you’re doing from him. At the same time, I would not alter my behavior for him. If he doesn’t like what you’re doing online but it’s stuff you want to do, then there is a problem you need to discuss.

In my experience, I’ve seen all too many people compromise when it comes to a partner, often to the point where they have someone in their life who is verbally or even physically abusive. Why do they do this? Usually one of two reasons: 1) they are so afraid of being alone that they will take in anyone willing to be with them, or 2) they have such low self-esteem they feel they are not worthy of a better partner and that “this is the best I can do.” I think you should take a moment and consider if one of these might not be a possible reason you are with this guy. Sure, he can be sweet and loving (if you say so) but he is also controlling and distrustful. If you can’t get these issues resolved with him, then you should seriously consider other options.

Good luck!

Papabear