Dear Papa Bear:
I was wondering if you had any advice for a furry such as myself who made some major mistakes that ended up in the loss of my mate.
I dearly love him, and we still remain friends after what had happened.
But about a year or two ago, I let my insecurities get the best of me and started a lot of fights over him constantly on his computer. I really went into a downward spiral that led to us breaking up.
I felt that him being online all the time, due to my insecurities and the growing lack of attention we were giving each other, was becoming a real threat to our relationship. I began a plethora of fights over this, even threatening to leave him over it all, when I just wanted to be with him.
I know what I did was stupid, insulting, disrespectful, and wrong. Yet, I still love him dearly and wish we could work things out and maybe end up back together eventually.
Papa Bear, I know I should have handled things differently. Now I just need to know what I should do to try to make things right between us because I really do love him and want to be with him.
Drako Tags (age 29)
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First question: have you done anything to work on improving your self-esteem?
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I have begun taking steps to work on my own self-esteem. Thankfully that was eased by me having roommates that were doing things I could not accept. So part of that was taking steps to remove those things from my house.
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Hmm, interesting comment, but I’ll let it lay, although I’m wondering if “those things” involved something illicit. At any rate, good, work on that self-esteem, most definitely, because that was the trigger that led to everything spiraling out of control between you and your mate. Things are damaged right now, so in order for you to repair them—assuming he is still interested—you’ll need to show him that you have changed.
Other than lack of personal hygiene, there are few things less attractive in a partner than someone with low self-esteem because when that person doesn’t even like him- or herself, it makes one wonder why you should like them. Work on making yourself someone he’d want to be with.
I’m not sure how damaged this relationship is, but, no matter the degree, you’ll need to ease back into it slowly. Don’t just say, “Hey, let’s get back together and everything will be like it was when we were doing great again.” Approach it, instead, as if it were a brand new relationship. Go on some dates (no sex for a while; that will just complicate things) and get to know each other again. Then go from there.
If things go well, then remember that, even when couples get along, arguments are inevitable, so learn how to “fight fairly.” I wrote an article about this last October that you might want to check out (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/learning-to-fight-fairly-is-important-in-any-relationship).
All of this should not be just one-way (although it sounds like you were the bigger offender of the two); he needs to also pay a bit more attention to you and not be mesmerized by the computer screen all the time. Remember, the reason for being together is to ... be together. Spend time doing fun things together—ideally, leaving cell phones and games at home (can the young people of today bear it?) and actually talk to each other while you are eating out, or going to an amusement park, or the beach, or whatever. You and he both need to do this. Make an agreement with him that you will be less of a needy nagger if he will spend less time on the computer and more time with you.
Good luck! Here’s hoping it works out!
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