Dear Papa Bear,
I came across your site a little while ago while looking for other furries I can network with. After reading a few posts I felt comfortable putting this out for everyone to see. I don't think I should be hiding it anymore and I would like the advice of someone who I've never met before. Here it is...
I've got a problem that's been irking me for over 20 years. I'm 25 right now and I'm having an amazing amount of success being a screenwriter which makes this even tougher to deal with.
Back in 1992, when I was a young boy of 5, I met a boy who was 8 who I was slow to make friends with. When his friend was around a certain side of his personality came out that by 1993 made me fall in love with him... head over heels. At the time I was a very timid child and was scared to death to tell him that out of fear of rejection and alienation. I always knew something was different about me but falling in love at that age was exhilarating. Instead of trying kindle a relationship on that level with this boy I kept it hidden until I got the worst news I could ever hear.
In 1995 that boy ceased to be and it was then I felt the worst heartache I thought I would ever feel. For a couple years afterward I had to struggle with the longing that came from the loss of my love. It hurt and it hurt bad. After that period of time everything seemed to level out and I thought the worst was over.
Flash forward to 2012 and I find myself revisiting those times as I feel the gaping hole that is my love life. All my sexual relations with other men and women only satisfied the physical side of my lust but failed to address the emotional side which is the root cause of my anguish.
For months now I have felt the heartache all over again as I realize I have never stopped pining for him. Auto-erotic activities and emotional fits do nothing to dull it out. The fact is that my tie to him formed at 5 and only got stronger over time. Now it like an unbreakable force that sits on my consciousness reminding me that there was actually one person in my life that I would give my life for. No one else has ever come close to him. I can't even describe how much I miss him and how much he affects my life.
Day in and day out I fantasize about what I would say to him if I ever got even 5 minutes with him. I can safely say that sex would do it no justice. I want him in my arms to love and to hold until I too cease to be.
Papa Bear this is getting to the point where I need a sympathetic shoulder and a guiding voice. The one person I love more than life itself cannot be with me. If there is an afterlife then I hope I get to revisit my youth and tell him how I felt about him. For now... All I can do is remember him and use his personality and intelligence to fuel my desire to better myself and better the lives of others.
How would you deal with this? How do I get over the gap in my life? I just want to see him again... Even for 5 minutes, just to tell me if I've done good in life or not.
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Yours is one of the most powerful and touching letters Papabear has ever read. Thank you for writing to me. My deep condolences for your loss.
I believe one big reason that your first love had such a deep impression on you was that it happened to you when you were so incredibly young. Another reason is that it ended so soon and so tragically. You will never get over this completely. That special love and that wonderful, short time will always be a part of you, living inside of you, including the pain.
What you need to do a little better is deal with this incredible upwelling of emotion that is associated with your first love. Reading your letter, Papabear can tell that, despite your pain, you have grown into a pretty well-adjusted person. Someone who is kind and cares about others.
There are two things you can do to help deal with your pain. I don’t know about you, but yours truly believes that when we die, it is only the physical form that is gone. Do you believe in a spiritual life, Astrit? I’m not necessarily talking about a Christian Heaven or that sort of thing, but I do believe that there is something more than the physical world. Therefore, your first true love still exists out there somewhere and it might be possible to connect to him in some way. Not in the same way you communicate with the living, but it is still possible. It rather depends on your own spiritual beliefs how you reconnect with him; you might seek out a spiritual guide commensurate with your philosophy.
You might be viewing your loss of love and the resulting pain as a handicap, but in some ways it is also a strength. You are very lucky in that you have experience a real and true love, however briefly, and you know what genuine love is. Not everyone is so lucky. Shakespeare said, “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” That might be small comfort, but it is very true, and you can use that experience to pass the love to others. As you said, “All I can do is remember him and use his personality and intelligence to fuel my desire to better myself and better the lives of others.” That is an amazing statement and tells me just what a wonderful person you have become.
But you needn’t believe that you will forever be without another love in your life. Papabear is not one to believe that there is “only one.” You talk some about your other relationships and how they have been mainly physical but not emotionally satisfying. It is good you recognize, unlike some, that sex does not equal love. That’s a healthy realization on your part.
Has it occurred to you that you might be indulging in simply physical relationships because in your mind you don’t believe you will ever find another person like that first love? When people get a certain mindset—even a subconscious one—it can sabotage the possibility of a future relationship. If you think to yourself, “There will never be another like my first love” then you will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will never allow yourself to open your heart to another person because he or she won’t be the same. Naturally, they won’t be the same; no one is, but that doesn’t mean there is not another person out there, a unique individual, who is worthy of your love and vice versa.
Astrit, you should embrace the memory of your past love, but try not to obsess about it. Know that your first love is with you in spirit and in your heart always. Treasure that love and allow the love in your heart to once more be shared with another person in your life. Somewhere, there is another person out there for you if you will let them in.
I Wish You Love,
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