Love Life Suffers from Indecisiveness

Heya Papabear.

I've been feeling rather down lately and I'm not quite sure what to do...

Back in very late September, I broke up with my long distance boyfriend of almost 5 years. I thought thins were going to be okay. He was bitter and angry for a while and depressed but we were still talking and seemed to be staying as friends. Now though I'm just getting weird feelings from him when we chat.

We don't talk about the past really anymore or even role play or anything sexual which I expected for the most part. I like being able to talk about subjects we're both interested in. But the more I talk to him the more I realize it.... It just isn't who he used to be. He just seems more indifferent to the world and just a tad angry. He isn't like he used to be and that makes me sad. 

I've been trying to be open with myself now that I'm out of the relationship and I do consider myself moved on, but lately, and only lately, I've been catching myself thinking about him more and more and with his new attitude, it scares me a little. I don't know what to do.

Since the breakup I've been more open sexually and exploring that side of me. I've also been paying more attention to my desires and what I see in potential mates. I have been looking for a new boyfriend or girlfriend (I'm bi) with little success. I mean I had a few crushes on some people, but they usually are already in a relationship with someone or far away. I told myself I wouldn't take another long distance relationship and I think that's good for me at least. And the potentials that are in a relationship or otherwise highly unlikely for me to get with I just kind of write off as unattainable and get over the crush. There's no point if I have no chance, right?

But.... There is one that I really like, and I know he really likes me as well. The only couple issues are that my ex introduced us a few years back and he's a mutual friend. Also, he lives several states away as well, so my morals come back into play. He tried asking me to be his boyfriend a while ago and I would have said yes immediately if it weren't for those reasons. Now he's gone and become boyfriends with some guy he's known for a couple months that is constantly trying to get him to move in with him (I should mention I'm kind of protective of this guy and I really do not approve of that pressure. Actually I've noticed the boyfriend has been pressuring him quite a bit, but I won't say anything unless it gets out of hand, not my place, y'know?). So I feel now as if I missed an opportunity I should have taken. Then my ex just creeps back into my mind and I end up going in circles.

I don't know what to do or what to feel really anymore. I don't even know what to say. It's possible I'm over thinking everything and I should just ignore it and forget about everything, I know finding a mate takes time. I know relationships are hard. Especially long distance ones. What I don't know is what to do, what to say. I wish I had more confidence or that I could help my ex become the man he used to again, or reverse time and grab that potential mate before he chose someone else (we're still really really good friends and special to each other, it's.... I'm not quite sure how to describe the relationship since we are closer than friends). 

What should I do? What would you do?

Thanks in advance
-DT

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Hi, DT,

There’s quite a bit in this one letter, and no one really clear question to answer, but I will try. Allow me to respond to the quandaries here and then see if they can be unraveled into one problem to solve.

To begin with: the boyfriend you broke up with. I’ve got to wonder why you are surprised that your ex is irritable and angry with you and not the same guy. You broke up with him. How would you feel? Your relationship will never be the same because you dumped him and he is understandably miffed at you. Now, I’m not saying that a break-up wasn’t the right decision for you, but don’t expect your ex to be overjoyed. Even in the absolute best case scenarios, there are going to be hurt feelings. It’s lovely that the two of you can still talk and, hopefully, remain friends, but it is not right for you to expect him to be happy about it.

As for the next guy, you decided you didn’t want a deeper relationship, so you are not partnered in any way, correct? I’m also assuming he is old enough to make his own decisions, including deciding who he wants as a mate. Therefore, it’s not your place to interfere. The boyfriend who wants to move in with him who is “pressuring” him? Not your concern. Not for you to judge what is going on between them (good for you for saying it is not your place!) Now, if this guy asks for your opinion or advice, as a friend you can surely offer that, but then leave the decision to him. He is not your responsibility to “protect,” which, actually, comes off as your being a bit jealous and possessive when you actually have no claim on him.

Judging by these two examples, I would guess that your problem is you are suffering from indecision—you don’t really know what you want. Your indecision makes you go back and forth about your feelings and wants from these other people, which is not only confusing for you but also for them.

You ask what Papabear would do in your case. I would take some time to inventory my feelings about these two guys and figure out what I liked and didn’t like about the relationships, and also what you learned from them. For example, the long-distance problem. I agree with you that it is far, far better to have a relationship with someone whom you can easily see in person. Both these guys were long-distance; therefore, you would be wise to scratch them off your list of potential mates. Continue coming up with positives and negatives about each relationship and you will get closer to figuring out what you really want.

Be careful, however. Too many people create this ideal image of a mate, one that can almost never be achieved, and then are disappointed when such people don’t exist in real life. Therefore, be realistic, and be flexible; don’t expect perfection, but don’t put up with something you feel is intolerable and incommensurate with your life goals.

And, yes, I do know what you mean about people who are not mates but are also more than just friends. I have a couple of people like that in my life who are very very dear to me but who are not on the same level as my mate, Yogi. It’s wonderful to have such people in your life; they are like family—no, the are family, even if they are not blood. They are to be treasured.

In summary, your confusion comes from your not really knowing what you want in a relationship. Figuring that out will go a long way toward your finding someone with whom to share your life.

Wishing You Love and Happiness,

Papabear