Hi there, Papabear,
I've wrote to you twice before, you replied to my first letter, but not my second. Don't worry though, I know you get busy and stuff. Anyway, I'm a 16 year old boy who lives in Australia and well I've had an internet relationship with a guy who lives in America. I can't take it anymore and after much thinking have finally decided to break up with him, when I get time to talk to him...
So, a problem I have now though, is that I really feel like a need a mate who can be with me physically. And basically there is a guy who I can physically meet up with every now and again and I know that I've fallen in love with him which is the real issue here. I mean, he's a good friend, and he knows I love him, but he has a girlfriend. Due to him having a girlfriend I've tried to distance myself from him a bit and not be in love, because I think it'll bring trouble. However, no matter how hard I try I end up falling in love with him again, with a stronger feeling each time... It hurts me that I know he doesn't love me back and that he has a girlfriend, and I try to stop it, but I can't help it. My instincts and feelings keep bringing me to love him, despite the fact that I know it won't work... What do I do?
Thank you for reading this,
* * *
Sometimes an email sneaks by my old eyes, sorry about that! On to your current dilemma....
Smart move, first of all, dropping the LDR with the American. Unless you planned to one day live with him and either move to America or have him move to Australia, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning.
As for falling in love with a heterosexual guy who doesn’t return your affection, I’ve seen this happen before to other people, sometimes with heteros and sometimes with gay people who simply don’t love the other person back. It happens. One thing I have learned in talking to the love-smitten is that it’s silly to tell them they should abandon their emotions and move on. We love what we love, and we cannot control our hearts. This is the hard side of the emotion that people don’t discuss too often because it seems in most cases it is harder to find love at all, let alone unrequited love.
What people often fail to understand, however, is that it is possible for the human heart to love more than one person. Love is a renewable and self-generative resource. If we allow it to, it can fill our hearts over and over again without end. It is also a free resource, so it won’t bankrupt you to have lots and lots of love. Therefore, it is also a class-less resource. You cannot hoard it and prevent other people from being in love.
It is okay for you to love the guy with the girlfriend. What would not be okay, of course, is trying to break up his relationship so you can have him for yourself. Recognize this and you will be fine. You might even have the courage to tell him, “I love you, but I know you love your girlfriend, so I won’t interfere. Just wanted you to know that you are loved and I’m here for you as a friend if you need someone to lean on.”
You are free to find love elsewhere. There are many many many people out there like you who need someone in their lives they can love, people who are not already taken, single people. They are not difficult to find if you look.
You have the right to love many people. One of those people, one day, will be extra-special because he/she will become your mate, but that never means you can’t love other people, as well. Just note that, when I say “love,” I don’t mean jumping into bed with all these people, I simply mean allowing yourself to feel tenderness and caring for others beyond mere friendship.
Hope that helps!
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