First time writing to you. My question is a difficult one to ask but I will try. I love my mate with all my heart but we’re so different. I’m calm, laid back, and have no problems with just living my life with what comes my way. He is very angry all the time, thinks life is just crap, hates to do the things I want to do. We argue a lot and its been pretty rough for me to be with him. He is very negative. Most our fights are because I say something he doesn’t like. I find it hard to be myself around him. I feel as if because I’m changing for him I’m losing a lot if not all of my friends. No one likes him because he’s so angry and rough. I’ve known him for 4 years now and I’ve been dating him for 1 year in September. I would rather work out my problems with him but he is really stubborn about everything. Though compared to when I first met him he is 300% better. He used to yell at me for not being next to him when he woke up. Needless to say it’s been a rough year with him. I love him and I wish no harm to come to him. My biggest fear is if we break up he will kill himself. That happened to me once before and I never want to go through it again, but should I break up with him?
* * *
Papabear is sorry to hear that you had a previous mate who committed suicide, but you should not make your current decision based on that experience. Love is an illogical thing, to be sure, but how you can be in love with someone who is negative, controlling, mean, and makes you change who you are is beyond me.
You are just as important in this relationship as your mate, yet you are allowing yourself to be abused and unhappy, losing friends, and getting yelled at. You even say it has been a rough year. What, in the Great Spirit’s name, is the attraction here?
Papabear will tell you this from experience, too: just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be with him or her. Case in point: my ex. I still love her, but when I discovered I was gay it was pretty darn clear that continuing the relationship would be impossible. That situation is not identical to yours, but you get the point.
You deserve to be happy, Fox, and staying with this guy is not going to make you happy. He is a black hole of negativity and he will suck you into it if you are not careful.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.