Lost Communication Is Damaging Fun in the Bedroom

Dear Papa Bear,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 9 months. He is a furry but I'm not. In the beginning it was all engines revving, but lately things in the bedroom have become rather slow/nonexistent. I have tried to talk to him about this but unfortunately it has not helped.

What advice do you have? Do you know anything that really gets a furry hot under the collar?

Many thanks

Anonymous

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Dear John,

Everyone is different concerning their sexual desires and needs. Just because he's a furry doesn't mean all furries want the same thing--not by any stretch of the imagination!  What you clearly need to do is have a frank discussion about what both his and your needs are.  If he won't talk to you about them, then that is a very serious blockade against your making any progress.

So, first thing's first. You need to get him to open up. Here are some strategies provided by an article in Psychology Today:
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1. Create an agreement to discuss the issue. If now isn’t a good time, find a moment that works for both of you and commit to it.
2. At the outset, state your intentions for what it is you each seek to have happen out of your interaction. (“I hope that we can both feel closer to and more understanding of each other," or, "I hope that we will both begin to feel more comfortable addressing some of the difficult subjects that we’ve been avoiding," or, "I hope to be able to listen more openly to your feelings and needs and not be so defensive when you say things that are hard for me to hear.”)
3. Be proactive by getting yourself centered, grounded, and open, with a willingness to listen deeply to your partner’s spoken words—and underlying feelings.
4. Take responsibility for your own part. Keep in mind that in all relationship breakdowns, both partners play a part. Accepting this responsibility empowers each of you to interrupt the cycle of blame.
5. Regardless of your history or previous failures, keep in mind that it is possible to interrupt even deeply-embedded patterns and hold a vision of a successful outcome.
6. Speak in ways that promote trust, respect, safety, and openness.
7. Resist the temptation to explain or justify your position; instead, seek primarily to understand rather than to be understood. The time for that will come after your partner feels heard and understood.
8. Remember that feelings of greatest frustration and impatience are likely to arise just when things begin to feel most hopeful.
9. Be patient. These situations generally don’t resolve themselves in a single conversation. Breaking entrenched patterns occurs over time, not in a moment.
10. Recognize the incremental improvements during the dialogue, and show appreciation for even the smallest positive results.
11. Don’t concern yourself with your partner’s intentions, even if they are not completely consistent with yours. Do your best to focus on honoring your own intentions instead.
12. Thank your partner at the end of the dialogue, regardless of the outcome, and express a desire to continue the process at a later date.

Once you get him to open up and find out what his needs are, then you can start trying to fulfill those needs. Remember, though, that your needs are also important. There should be an equal give and take in any relationship that includes a sexual component.

Hope that helps.

Hugs,
Papabear