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Long Distance Relationships Don't Work

7/16/2012

8 Comments

 
Hi Papabear,

Me and my mate relationship has hit a snag, but before I get to that I was in a rough relationship with a pink husky; he kept yelling at me when I did something wrong, using swear words, basically making me feel useless, powerless and worthless. The break-up was horrible and that night I kept on crying and filled with sadness. One of my friends (which I have been mates before but broke up but stayed really good friends) cheered me up and asked me if I wanna be his mate again, so I said yes. Fast forward to July 1st, 2012. Personal issues in my mate’s life has taken a toll on him, and we are in a long distance relationship, so we decided to take a break for 3 weeks to get things taken care of, so far its been the first week and its been going good. Here is my question: how do I deal with this break and is there any treatment to ease the pain?

thanks again

a worried rat king

~ Alan Soft Belly

* * *

Hi, Alan,

Sorry for the delay; Papabear is behind on mail.  So, if I have this correct, you have taken a three-week break and have two weeks left, right? Then you will get back to the relationship as you normally would?  Papabear doesn't see the problem. Two weeks will go by quickly and then you will be fine again, or? Am I understanding this correctly?

Hugs,

Papabear

* * *

Yes, that is correct, and two weeks have passed already, but the final week is the toughest, and let me tell you about my mate: he is bi and been dealing with his autism, but he met this cute girl at his local gym and if I am not mistaken he kinda has feelings for this girl. I am okay with this, but once the three weeks are up, what if he goes to the girl and not me? Should I stay friends with him or not?  He lives in Virginia and I live in New Mexico. It’s a long distance relationship and my god it’s so hard. I am no longer friends with my ex. Any advice would be helpful Papabear. Thank you and for all the advice you have given to furs, thank you. It’s okay I forgive you * gives papa bear a big fat rat king hug.*

Sincerely,
Alan Soft Belly aka King of the Rats 

* * *

Dear Alan,

That was a good example of leaving out key information in your first email, so I’m glad I wrote to you for more.

It’s super that you got out of that abusive relationship, but now you are in a long-distance one involving thousands of miles of separation. Papabear has said it before and he will say it now again: long-distance relationships do not, in the vast majority of cases, work. If it is a temporary situation (such as you are the spouse of someone in the military who is overseas fighting for our country) then that is one thing because the soldier will eventually return (hopefully!), but if you are in a situation where your mate is so far away that you cannot visit him or her, and if that situation is not going to change, then the relationship is likely doomed to failure.

Papabear can already see this breakdown as evidenced by your jealousy of this girl your bisexual boyfriend is seeing and your suspicions/concerns that he is going to choose her and dump you. Once you start having suspicions and stop having communication (which is very hard to do long distance) your relationship is starting to show signs of falling apart. You say you “are okay with this,” but I bet if you look deep in your heart you really are not okay with it.

If you truly wish to have a strong relationship with your boyfriend, either you or he is going to have to move so that you can be together.  Alan, there simply is no substitute for being in the same room with the one who is your mate.  The only way you will get over your present anguish is to either come together physically, or admit to yourself that you cannot have a meaningful matehood with someone who is too far away to see on a regular basis—meaning that it is time to find someone new in your life who can be there for you.

I hope that you and your mate can work things out.

Hugs,

Papabear

A note to readers: In this technological age, Papabear sees more and more furries who believe they are “in a relationship” when all they are doing is talking to someone online. I hate to tell you this, but that is not a relationship on a real level. You might have some nice communication and maybe even a pleasant friendship like having a pen pal in a foreign country (if any of you know what that is still), but a truly meaningful, loving, caring relationship can only come when people are interacting in the real world. Allow me to provide one example: would you call it a genuine mother/child relationship if you took an infant and had it raised by robots while the mother was controlling the feeding, diapering, and so forth from a remote location thousands of miles away? Do you not believe that a child needs that very physical connection to another human being? Studies have actually been done concerning premature babies raised initially in incubators that show that both the mother and the child suffer emotionally from such a separation.

Papabear believes that many furries explore virtual relationships because they seem safer, less threatening, because you have an electronic barrier protecting you from real commitment, real emotion, real sex, and real love. Many people do this because they have been hurt in the past by family, friends, and/or lovers, so they think they can have a safe relationship at a distance connected by a computer screen, keyboard, and webcam. Papabear begs to differ.

I’d be interested in hearing what my readers think. Feel free to comment! Thanks!

8 Comments
Stripe Kazama
7/16/2012 08:28:15 am

Actually, some LDR's do work out. Like mine for example. On August the 1st, me and my mate will have been together for two years. We've both met IRL and we've both got plans to move in together at some point within the next year. He's in Wisconsin and i'm over in Europe. I've already met his family IRL and they've accepted me as part of it. :).

Reply
Papabear
7/16/2012 08:55:27 am

That's great to hear! I am very willing to have my opinion changed on this matter, if the evidence bears it out. Let's see if we hear from other furries with long-distance relationship success stories!

It is important to note, though, that Stripe and his mate have met IRL and ALSO that they plan to eventually get together permanently. So there are some factors here: in the letter to Alan, it didn't sound like there were immediate plans to move in together. Also, in other furries' cases, they have never met IRL.

So, Stripe's case is kind of like that case analogy where I talk about the spouse of a military person. The long-distance relationship is only temporary.

Three scenarios: 1) a virtual relationship where the people never meet; 2) a relationship where the people met at the beginning, but are now far apart and will not likely meet again IRL for a long long long time, if ever; and 3) a temporary long-distance relationship with future plans to definitely live together.

Of these three, number 3 can work like Stripe's, but I'm still of the opinion that 1 and 2 don't work.

Debate?

Reply
Critter link
7/16/2012 04:03:30 pm

I completely agree with you, PB, long distance relationships are not relationships.

However, they really are not nothing. I prefer the term 'virtual relationship' (like virtual reality). They're something like a dream.

But I believe they can potentially be helpful in giving hope: that there is at least the possibility of finding someone who might be a good match for you.

The danger lies in thinking they are a real relationship, and not realizing just how different it is to turn a virtual relationship into a real one. Seems to me the way to do that is to start over again completely, with conventional dating rather than try to jump into something that doesn't exist.

Reply
Stilghar link
7/16/2012 07:01:52 pm

LDRs are 'real' relationships, in the sense that one is still interacting with another living being, albeit at a great distance through an electronic interface, letters, phone calls, etc.

It's definitely not the same thing as living with/being there with your lover(s) in meatspace. I found that out when the men I met while I was in Germany with the USAF invited me to join them as the third leg of a triad once I left active duty. We all had some misconceptions about one another that had to be worked through, but we were together for ten years before one of them passed away from liver disease and the other and I agreed to go our separate ways. (We're still friends, BTW.)

Just a wuff's $.02 (not adjusted for inflation).

Reply
Critter link
7/17/2012 12:16:52 am

It's cool you were able to make the transistion, Stilghar. Sounds like it took an adjustment your crew was able to make.

I suppose some of it depends on how important the 'meat' component is to you. I'm a pretty romantic type so that's key for me.

PS - having fun with the bike?

Reply
Stilghar link
7/17/2012 01:41:22 am

Loving it.

Might I ask if I know you by another name?

Critter link
7/17/2012 02:17:11 am

Don't think so, Stilghar, been Critter for over a decade. Saw your bike on the webpage you linked for the comment.

I got my antique VF1100C road worthy a few months ago and been having fun riding again.

Reply
Stilghar
7/17/2012 02:18:07 am

Awesome. :D

Reply



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