Long Distance Relationships Don't Work

Hi Papabear,

Me and my mate relationship has hit a snag, but before I get to that I was in a rough relationship with a pink husky; he kept yelling at me when I did something wrong, using swear words, basically making me feel useless, powerless and worthless. The break-up was horrible and that night I kept on crying and filled with sadness. One of my friends (which I have been mates before but broke up but stayed really good friends) cheered me up and asked me if I wanna be his mate again, so I said yes. Fast forward to July 1st, 2012. Personal issues in my mate’s life has taken a toll on him, and we are in a long distance relationship, so we decided to take a break for 3 weeks to get things taken care of, so far its been the first week and its been going good. Here is my question: how do I deal with this break and is there any treatment to ease the pain?

thanks again

a worried rat king

~ Alan Soft Belly

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Hi, Alan,

Sorry for the delay; Papabear is behind on mail.  So, if I have this correct, you have taken a three-week break and have two weeks left, right? Then you will get back to the relationship as you normally would?  Papabear doesn't see the problem. Two weeks will go by quickly and then you will be fine again, or? Am I understanding this correctly?

Hugs,

Papabear

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Yes, that is correct, and two weeks have passed already, but the final week is the toughest, and let me tell you about my mate: he is bi and been dealing with his autism, but he met this cute girl at his local gym and if I am not mistaken he kinda has feelings for this girl. I am okay with this, but once the three weeks are up, what if he goes to the girl and not me? Should I stay friends with him or not?  He lives in Virginia and I live in New Mexico. It’s a long distance relationship and my god it’s so hard. I am no longer friends with my ex. Any advice would be helpful Papabear. Thank you and for all the advice you have given to furs, thank you. It’s okay I forgive you * gives papa bear a big fat rat king hug.*

Sincerely,
Alan Soft Belly aka King of the Rats 

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Dear Alan,

That was a good example of leaving out key information in your first email, so I’m glad I wrote to you for more.

It’s super that you got out of that abusive relationship, but now you are in a long-distance one involving thousands of miles of separation. Papabear has said it before and he will say it now again: long-distance relationships do not, in the vast majority of cases, work. If it is a temporary situation (such as you are the spouse of someone in the military who is overseas fighting for our country) then that is one thing because the soldier will eventually return (hopefully!), but if you are in a situation where your mate is so far away that you cannot visit him or her, and if that situation is not going to change, then the relationship is likely doomed to failure.

Papabear can already see this breakdown as evidenced by your jealousy of this girl your bisexual boyfriend is seeing and your suspicions/concerns that he is going to choose her and dump you. Once you start having suspicions and stop having communication (which is very hard to do long distance) your relationship is starting to show signs of falling apart. You say you “are okay with this,” but I bet if you look deep in your heart you really are not okay with it.

If you truly wish to have a strong relationship with your boyfriend, either you or he is going to have to move so that you can be together.  Alan, there simply is no substitute for being in the same room with the one who is your mate.  The only way you will get over your present anguish is to either come together physically, or admit to yourself that you cannot have a meaningful matehood with someone who is too far away to see on a regular basis—meaning that it is time to find someone new in your life who can be there for you.

I hope that you and your mate can work things out.

Hugs,

Papabear

A note to readers: In this technological age, Papabear sees more and more furries who believe they are “in a relationship” when all they are doing is talking to someone online. I hate to tell you this, but that is not a relationship on a real level. You might have some nice communication and maybe even a pleasant friendship like having a pen pal in a foreign country (if any of you know what that is still), but a truly meaningful, loving, caring relationship can only come when people are interacting in the real world. Allow me to provide one example: would you call it a genuine mother/child relationship if you took an infant and had it raised by robots while the mother was controlling the feeding, diapering, and so forth from a remote location thousands of miles away? Do you not believe that a child needs that very physical connection to another human being? Studies have actually been done concerning premature babies raised initially in incubators that show that both the mother and the child suffer emotionally from such a separation.

Papabear believes that many furries explore virtual relationships because they seem safer, less threatening, because you have an electronic barrier protecting you from real commitment, real emotion, real sex, and real love. Many people do this because they have been hurt in the past by family, friends, and/or lovers, so they think they can have a safe relationship at a distance connected by a computer screen, keyboard, and webcam. Papabear begs to differ.

I’d be interested in hearing what my readers think. Feel free to comment! Thanks!