I've been having a bit of an issue with a long distance relationship that I'm in with my mate... and while I've tried to piece out whether I'm really just being paranoid or if there really is a problem, the responses I've gotten from my friends and family have been very variable and inconsistent with each other.... so... in an attempt at yet another position, I think an outside source might be the right answer.
I've been in the LDR for quite a few months now, and only fairly recently, my mate lost his job... and from my perspective, that's when all the problems started. Now, he spends most of his time role playing in an MMO, and upon bringing up that I'd like to be acknowledged a little bit more and be able to spend more time with him, small tiffs have come about between me and him. I play the same MMO as him, and we have spent a good deal of time in it, but due to a statement I made at the beginning of our relationship about how I don't prefer RPing myself, he now feels uncomfortable to RP with me, feeling he's forcing me.
He's made a good friend through his RPing, whom he spends almost all the time RPing with when he's not doing a dungeon with him. I've brought up my concern regarding him spending so much time with the other guy, but he's come back saying I don't trust him..... which I do.... dearly.
I've tried bringing it up directly with him, and each time an argument comes about and it feels like my voice and opinion isn't being taken to heart.... but I care about him too much to leave him or to do anything that might result in him not feeling comfortable and leaving himself.
I thought, after one of my friends told me I should just stop caring that he's spending a far more significant time with this stranger than with me, his mate (since the plan is for him to move in with me... hopefully soon), that I would, in an attempt of good will, introduce myself to his friend as his mate and that I appreciated him making my mate happy, because I do. But the next day, I received a message from my mate that this friend felt awkward by the message I sent and no longer wanted to RP with him... which caused him to get pretty angry at me (and I did attempt to mend the damage by sending a new message to his friend clarifying where the message came from... which has been resolved)... but I'm finding it really hard to cope with my mate roleplaying with others, because a side of me feels like the people he is RPing with, could be hitting on or flirting with him.... and in the past, I've lost a mate because he found someone else a better match through an RP (so I wouldn't blame me for these feelings).
I guess my question would be.... am I being overly paranoid and untrusting? He says the roleplaying he does is harmless playful fun... but one of the times I watched from a distance to see what was actually happening, I had a deep feeling the friend (as mentioned earlier) was kind of hitting on my mate.... and the problem is that he doesn't really bring up that he's mated.... which makes me think people may try to get with him......or that he wants to "explore other options". :\
He tells me I'm not trusting him.... friends tell me he's acting very shady (since he's not told even his closest friends he's with me).... other friends tell me to stop worrying and ride it out.... family has their own feelings about it.... I just don't know what to do anymore, and this whole thing is emotionally thrashing, which has been causes other issues with people who come in contact with me (family, work, friends)
Truth be told.... he's shown a lot of love in many places ... 2 commissions so far, used to talk on the phone a lot.... but its very inconsistent... like... he does these things.... then days go by where I'm being neglected..... and the neglect has only increased significantly more since the loss of his job.
Thanks for whatever advice you can give to this unfortunately Paranoid Puppy. :)
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I’ve said it before and will do so again: a long-distance relationship in which there is no actual physical contact of any sort is not a relationship. Your virtual relationship, as I will call it, is therefore, on an equal par with the RPing your “boyfriend” is doing with the other guys online.
He is clearly spending more time with the other guy than he is with you, neglecting you for long periods by not calling you, getting defensive about your “not trusting him,” and not even telling other people that he has a “relationship” of any kind with you.
Are you paranoid? No. You would have to have a brain tumor eating out the left side of your brain not to suspect that this guy is no longer really serious about you.
You believe that doing a couple of commissions for you is love? Oh, hon, you make this bear cry. It makes me sad that you feel so in need of a boyfriend that you have apparently lost sight of your self-respect.
Papabear would be flabbergasted if this guy actually kept his promise and moved in with you. Waiting for that to happen is going to be like waiting for Godot.
Please wake up and find yourself a real boyfriend. Someone you can actually hug in person, and someone who won’t treat you like an afterthought.
I wish you love,
Richard C (Mathan)
10/19/2012 01:48:25 am
Paranoid Puppy, I must agree with Papabear. Though his advice may sting somewhat, I urge you to take it to heart. It really doesn't sound to this bear that this other man really loves you, and believe me, there are men out there who have hearts bursting with true love to give the right man. Find one of us! We're out there, and we won't neglect you!
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