I'm in a relationship with a very nice and sweet guy, but his childish and stubborn sides are getting a little much for me. We're a long distance couple, and have met once in person. He's only a year younger than me, but he acts like a middle schooler sometimes.
80% of the time he's nice and sweet and treats me like a princess but whenever I bring up things that bother me he just secludes himself from me and posts really dark and triggering art, like pictures of his pony, I'm sorry readers if this next part upsets you, pulling his own intestines out. He went almost a week posting art like that and completely ignoring me out of nowhere because I called someone an angel for offering to send me a free bathbomb with something I ordered. He's gone 3 whole days without drinking anything because his mom didn't buy him his expensive tea.
The fight we just got in, which is what pushed me to seek advice, was over jobs and paychecks. I have a job interview tomorrow, and explained that 1/3 was going into savings, 1/3 to self care and luxuries, and 1/3 to bills and helping my family with grocery money. He replied with he was putting every penny into a plane ticket. And, no, that wasn't some romantic like, he literally wants to do that. He's obsessed with me, I'm his universe, and honestly that's the least attractive thing for me.
I have been working so hard to live for myself and to love myself after finally getting out of a slew of abusive relationships and away from abusive relatives. All I want is to date someone who loves themselves and lives for them self, but chooses to share their life with me.... At this point I feel like he's unhealthy obsessed with me, like I'm his only lifeline and that's the only reason to date me.
He's made threats that if I ever left him he would kill himself, and he tried to the last time a girl broke up with him. He's super popular on Tumblr too, and I'm afraid I'd get so much harassment and hate if I broke it off. Today I was having a mental break down, and it was lifted when I got something in a mail. A purchase I made that was a huge milestone for me and that should have been a sweet and perfect experience, but now it's soiled. And I feel like he did it on purpose. Every time I look at it it just reminds me of this fight and it's heart breaking. Every time I get the courage almost up to break it off I think about the times he treats me well and re-think it. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship again.
Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to date someone who is independent from me, maybe I'm in the wrong, but all I know is I'm unhappy and lost as to what to do. What do you think papa? Is this something I was wrong about, is it something I should wait for him to grow out of, or is it really as toxic as it makes me feel? I don't think even if I should break up with him I could. I dread to hear him beg and cry for me back, to see all those nasty pictures and posts he'll post, and most of all I'm afraid to have his death on my hands....
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Thanks for writing. You’re gut instinct is correct: this is an unhealthy relationship to the extreme. Anyone who posts violent images after having a serious discussion with you or who threatens suicide upon a breakup is emotionally unstable and needs to seek psychiatric care posthaste!
It is unhealthy for you to be in this relationship, and you definitely should break it off for your own sake. You are currently staying in the relationship for totally wrong reasons: 1) you’re afraid that because he is popular he will post things online and people will be mad at you, and 2) you think he will kill himself. Let me put this as clearly as possible: you are not responsible for his actions. He owns them, not you. (Also, I seriously doubt he would actually go through with it; he's a drama queen; the people you have to watch out for are the troubled ones who don't say they will kill themselves).
And, yes, you are in an abusive relationship again. Putting aside the fact that LDRs are not real relationships in my book, you need to explore why you keep selecting bad relationships. Unlike this current misbehavior on the part of your boyfriend, you are responsible for the kinds of people you choose to have in your life. Not knowing you at all, I couldn’t begin to assess why this is, but you should probably explore your relationship with your parents to discover why this is. Usually, people who feel rejected somehow in childhood feel unworthy of decent relationships, and so they glomp on to the first person who shows them any bit of kindness. Then, when that person turns out to be a lemon, the insecure person believes that they are somehow to blame. Sound familiar?
The guy you’re seeing is emotionally stunted and psychologically damaged. He needs some help, no doubt, but it is not your responsibility to help him. Suggest he seek some counseling and then, if you are wise, run away from this guy as fast as you can.
This might sound cruel, but, trust me, if you stay with him he will ruin your life; he will make you utterly miserable, and, worse, make you feel that somehow you are to blame. And, if he posts nasty things about you online after you break up, feel free to link people to my column so they can get the full story.
After a number of bad relationships, it sounds as if it is finally dawning on you what you really need: as you put it, someone who is independent and strong but wants to share his life with you. THAT would be a great mate to find!
I know it's easier said than done, but try to find someone like that, hon.
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