I'm not exactly sure how to write such letters - I've always been rather a listener-type of person and I'm not so good when it comes to speak directly to another person - the fact English is not my first language also doesn't help a single bit. I feel ashamed how long and twisted the final result will probably be, even though a lot of other people have bigger problems than mine.
Despite that, I'm right now struggling to not fall into clinical depression. Thing have been getting worse and worse for quite a long time. Problems within family, the Academy I'm studying at. But that's not the major case.
At the beginning of this year I've abandoned my best and closest friend - and the scenario that took place prior to that is repeating itself with another person. My relationship is also probably going to fall apart. I've made horrible mistakes and I wasn't able to deal with their consequences.
I need to say some things about myself, for a bigger picture. It feels wrong, as I've always been taught modesty and humility, but I'll remain at least partially anonymous - and it's the way others see me. I am a gifted person. I'm looking good, I have talents in exact science, writing and fine arts - and I've been quite successful in those domains so far. I have supporting (though somewhat twisted and conflicted), open-minded family. I should consider myself lucky.
But the universe needs balance. I'm also terribly afraid of other people, quiet, submissive both in life and sexuality. I tend to attract unexpected events and accidents, ruining my plans and promises. And most importantly, I'm both gay and zoophile. The last thing might be critical here - as I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly loving other human...
I met the person I left - let's call him S. - via the internet, several years ago, like all other furries. He was, and I believe he still is, a good person, altruist, with a philosophical personality. We didn't have that much in common, but also, we could talk about everything, having great fun. Despite him being older than me - more than five years - both my first kiss and first time have been with him.
I told S. I'm not able to fall in love with him as soon as our relationship started getting more intimate - shared my fears and suspicions. I liked him a lot, but that's been as far as I was able to get - maybe, not certainly, there'd be still some possibility with other human, but not with him.
He comforted me and said he's ok with that. That it didn't matter to him if I'd be able to feel anything more, or if I'd sleep with someone else. We were friends, basically best friends.
Of course, he was helplessly in love with me. I didn't realize it for a long time, I was younger and "socially awkward"... also, maybe too inexperienced in the matter. I knew he had opportunity to become very close with someone else at least one time, but he didn't. I was somewhat encouraging him, not able to feel right about myself if he would stay single because of me, but he assured me it wasn't the case.
I need to state at this point that I didn't have many sexual experiences, neither with S. nor anyone else. In fact, all people I know gone much, much farther than me. Intimate situation with other persons - until events I'll describe later - happened only once and was both a bit unwanted and not going further than touch. I used to want something more "serious", but was always afraid. I also didn't wanted to "do' anything with my attraction towards animals. I don't judge other people - but would feel it'd be wrong when it comes to me.
After some years, I met somebody. It's been... different. The feeling was.. well, I can't exactly describe it. Rather platonic, but strong even despite large distance. To distinguish him, I'll call the person J. - and J. made me feel there's still some hope. Once again, I shared my fears, but this time I had some faith. It wasn't easy and did not happen immediately, but we established a relationship - with one thought in mind: if it's not going to work, at least let's try to not worry and be happy as long as it's possible.
J. and S. knew each other before - not much, but still. They used to be in "ok" relations. But as it's rather obvious, it has changed. They both became extremely jealous, had several arguments. Directed some of their anger against me.
I stopped mentioning anything about the one in the presence of other. S. became clear about his feelings. Tried to retain as much of the intimacy we used have as possible. I didn't want to hurt him, he was my closest friend. I visited him few times in our common friends' place, not telling J. - I know it was wrong: at the time I just didn't want him to get mad, like it happened when I met with S. openly, during dealing with some official matters in his city...
But slowly S.' personality and behaviors also stared to change. Just to clarify, I don't want to make him a "bad guy" - he was very close to me and helped me many times. But he stared to want much more attention. In the past when it'd happened that we had opportunity to talk only two times during a week it had been quite ok. Later he wanted to do so everyday, as well as to inform him every time when I couldn't, explaining why. When I chatted with him I was supposed to not do anything else. His extreme morality became selective: once he stated he wouldn't think bad about me if I cheated on J. I agreed to do things he asked me, unintentionally giving him hope, like an idiot, even though I kept saying I can't feel anything more for him.
At the same time, I stopped being sure with my relation with J. We were happy, everything was perfect but... I couldn't do much when it came to sex. It always been a long distance relationship, we both didn't mind it - he always made me smile during our conversations... but I started to be worry if I it was him who attracted me or my vision of him, including his fursona.
The situation started to devastate me - as well as other problems that started accumulate around me - incurable sickness of someone in my family, financial problems, life-goals issues and others. I got depressed. I stared to have problems with my school, the Academy. I knew I probably wouldn't pass - something I'd never had to deal before.
S. asked me to visit again after many unfortunate tries to find an opportunity, but something unexpected happened in last moments, like many times before [I've mentioned this personal curse...]. What I had heard in response, though as he later said it was supposed to be a joke to relieve the situation, impacted me heavily. I failed my best friend again, I felt he wouldn't trust me anymore because this coincidences. It brought forth suicidal thoughts. I don't blame him for this, I wasn't intentional, I managed to overcome it - and to find another date. But then, after meeting, spending time with friends, playing games... I heard from him it wasn't enough. Not enough to be even called a "meet", to mean anything to him.
Some time later he had an accident. He didn't tell me at first but it was very serious. I was supporting him as I could, calling every day, talking for hours while he was lying in hospital. He seemed happy and so was I, that I could help him at least a bit. He was going to need rehabilitation, though fortunately it wasn't nothing permanent.
And after that everything fell apart.
I was supposed to spend a certain holiday with my family, but as usual, something unexpected happened about day before. I had opportunity to visit J., also knowing that S. was going to spend that time among friends. I visited my boyfriend and other furries he invited, send wishes to best friend.
I was able to read S.' answer when I got access to my PC. First time during our friendship he called me names, swearing and cursing. Said I should visit him this time, because of his accident, despite the fact he was already been invited somewhere long before. That I'm the cause last years had been horrible for him. I was scared. He had never said anything like that to me. I knew I wasn't as good as it'd be possible - but I was trying.
I told my mother about almost everything. She couldn't tell me much - but said if I allow S. to stay that close, it would mean he might never be able to establish a relationship and never be truly happy. I remained silent for some time. S. called it cruel and begged me to talk to him again and I did. But I wasn't able to keep that long. I couldn't spent time with others, I had my last chances to complete my task for school. It didn't help in any case. S. started to hate me. I received more insults and started to avoid talking to him. One day he left me a note with more direct threat.
Then I "ran away". I didn't told him it's over. I stopped appearing online. Avoided picking up phone seeing his or unknown number. I abandoned my friend without telling exactly why. S. sent some messages to J. but I asked to not know what there were about. My boyfriend told me that maybe I should see with S. - but I didn't do it. I was and still am afraid of him.
To make things worse... several months passed... and I found out another friend of mine have similar feelings towards me as S. - despite knowing about everything. And I'm running away again... But what I've written till now has been already too much for one letter from a complete stranger.
I'm a coward. I've never wanted to hurt anyone, but right now I keep doing this. I can no longer think of myself as of good person. And soon I'll probably be alone. Do I need some advice...? I... don't know. What I know is I needed to confess to someone who isn't involved.
I'm sorry it was so long.
* * *
In response to your rather long missive, I’m going to give you a relatively short reply. The single characteristic that best distinguishes your letter is fear: fear of relationships, fear of hurting people, fear of failure, fear of yourself. You are literally paralyzing yourself and becoming unable to act, so you react by running away.
What your letter and all your problems tell me is that there is something you are not telling me—which is, how did you become so fearful in the first place? By the time you were forming a relationship with S, and later J, the damage was already done. So, your problems don’t stem from issues with S or J, or with school or whatever other problems you have listed here.
You need to look farther back and find out what caused you to be scared of relationships and sexual intimacy with human beings in the first place. This would likely also explain why you are a zoophile, because sometimes (not always) zoophilia is the result of misdirected sexual urges brought about by a fear of having sexual urges for one’s own species.
My guess here is that something traumatic happened to you early in your life. Most probably, you were sexually molested in a very shocking way and this has really scarred you emotionally. If true, this would explain why you have a problem being intimate with others, why you are a zoophile, and why you are developing this self-hatred.
Nemo, this is beyond my ability to help with in one letter. I would recommend you seek the help of a professional to get at the bottom of what is really bothering you. Only when that is resolved will you be able to repair the other relationship rifts in your life.
Please see what you can do to find a good therapist nearby. Though I can’t be of more help here, I hope I have steered you in the right direction.
Let me emphasize one thing before I sign off here: you are not a bad person. You are a troubled person, yes, but you are not a bad person.
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