Is Friendship Over After What Might Be Considered an Insensitive Joke?

Hi Papabear,

So I had this one friend who is an artist. We don't exactly talk too much but I will always leave a like and a comment on her pictures on Facebook or Instagram. Sometimes we would chat and she would give me advice on how I can become a better artist.

A few months ago, I made a critique on one her friend's animation and she capped (yelled/scolded) at me. I then deleted the comment. 

Months later, I saw a picture she drew where she was practicing legs so I commented "Nice legs, what time do they open?" and she wrote back "totally lost respect for you now."
I immediately apologized and said what I wrote was stupid and degrading. Then I removed the comment. 

This may be a silly question, but is it best I just delete her as a friend and forget about ever talking again? We never did talk much anyway and I feel so awful for making someone upset like that. I thought what I said was funny, but I did not think about what others thought of it.

PearBearskunk (age 17)

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Dear PearBearskunk,

Granted this is a first impression on my part, but in your brief letter you mention two incidents in which this artist came back at you with highly upset responses. I don’t know how you phrased your critique of the animation, but let’s assume it wasn’t full of four-letter-words and was just a negative assessment. It’s perhaps nice that she stood up for her friend, but it sounds like she overreacted a bit and is rather oversensitive for some reason.

On the second incident, well, it can be a little dicey. If, for instance, this artist had a bad experience in her life involving a chauvinist, sexual comments, or some sort of harassment, you might have pushed a button that triggered her hurtful response. Or, she might just be a bit of a prude. If you had made such a comment between you and a close friend whose sense of humor you understood, this could, indeed, have been a funny remark. It’s all about the audience, really. Some people are very sensitive, very religious, or just don’t get off-color remarks, while other people are not in the least offended by them. For the latter crowd, your comment was actually pretty mild.

You say that the two of you never talked much, so, really, you are just acquaintances. I would suggest, therefore, that you don’t just jump the gun and cut her off. You have apologized for your comment, but I don’t know whether or not she accepted that apology. If not, write again and apologize one more time and ask her if she accepts your apology. In either case, contact her and say that you would like to become closer friends and get to know her a bit better. If she is open to that, getting to know her personality better should educate you on how to correspond with her in a way that won’t accidentally offend her. Emails and IMs can be tricky because texting does not convey well the body language and other nuances that clue people to the fact that you might be stating something ironically, sardonically, sarcastically, sympathetically, and so on.

If you like this person, don’t give up on a friendship yet. Make a little effort to repair the damage and see if you can become good friends.

Cheers,

Papabear