In Lovemaking, Both Partners Need to Be Satisfied

Hello Papabear,

So, I came out to my everyone about a year ago, primarily because I fell In love with a boy. We've “played around” quite a bit. I always manage to bring him to climax, but not me:/. Recently, however, we decided to try anal for the first time. We took all the necessary precautions (lube, comfortable position and everything). I was sure that I would Finally be able to make love to my mate properly, but after being in him for about 15 minutes I wasn't any closer to orgasm. He seemed a little disappointed (I don't know why I can’t cum in him! Could it be that I'm just nervous? Or is it something else? I don't know if you’ve ever had issues like that ... anyway, thank you for your time, Papabear.

Sincerely,

Luka (age 19)

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Hi, Luka,

It’s not uncommon to have occasional problems with climaxing during lovemaking, but it seems to be a chronic disappointment for you. This, in addition to the fact that you are only 19 and should definitely not be struggling with impotence yet, tells me something else is going on. It could be a health issue, which I doubt, but just in case you might want to talk to your doctor if you suspect you might have a medical problem (diabetes, for example). More likely, it is psychological (remember, 90% of sexual stimulation occurs within the mind). You say you always get him to climax, but you don’t reach orgasm, whether it is anal or otherwise. (BTW, I hope your "precautions" included a condom.)

Two things: 1) it could be that you are just nervous or anxious about your performance, or 2) it could be that you are simply not stimulated by your partner enough to get you off. You are the only one who can answer these questions. In your letter, you ask me whether you are nervous. I don’t know, are you? Have you been nervous every time you and your partner made love? If so, you need to explore that and learn how to overcome your nervousness. If that is all it is, the problem is not too serious and you just need to learn to relax. Talk to your partner about performance.

Clearly, you satisfy him, so you shouldn’t be anxious about pleasing him. Perhaps you are so worried about his pleasure that you forget about your own? Or, could it be that your partner is all taker and no giver? What does he do to please you? This all relates to #2. Sex is not just about one partner being happy; both partners should seek to pleasure the other (not because they have to but because they enjoy doing so). Assuming you find him physically attractive (and, if you don’t, that could definitely be the explanation), then you might need to teach him how to make you reach orgasm. Don’t be embarrassed about that: communication in the bedroom is something all partners should practice. For you, it might not be enough simply to mount your partner. Many people have mental triggers (often fantasies they find stimulating) that get them excited. What might yours be? Asking your partner to indulge the mental half of your sexual needs could be the answer to your sticky situation.

Hugs,

Papabear