How Do You Respond to Mean People?

Hey, Papa Bear,

So there's this friend of a friend (let's say his name is K, and we're both mutual friends of H) I've been in touch with more than usual. K is at every gathering or party that H invites me to. K has built a reputation for himself as an asshole, and he is always dealing out hurtful comments with a smile on his face. I'm not quite sure why H, who is a nice person, chooses to invite this guy over to her place when we hang out, but that's her decision. I get the feeling that K has low self esteem and is trying to hold people at arm's length with this asshole act he puts on. Once I choose to look past that exterior, he isn't that bad of a person.

However, the other night he tried calling me to ask if I wanted to go for a walk with our dogs. It was 10:44 PM and I'm always asleep by 10 during the week for a variety of health reasons. When I told him "Oh, sorry. I was asleep when you called." He responded by calling me a grandma and proceeded to say hurtful things. I ignored this. The following day when we DID go walking, we started talking about art. I told him I was practicing drawing birds lately, to which he interrupted to tell me how boring that was. When I got home, I texted to say, "Thank you for last night, I had fun.” To which he replied, “I thought you'd be asleep by now, seeing how EARLY you go to bed.”

So, the next morning, I texted back to say "Well, at least I'm not asleep during the day like YOU. YOU'RE more like a grandma, sleeping all day." He responded by telling me he was going to university right then, called me a third grader, and then asked me what I was doing with my life (which I find hilarious considering this guy is a complete sleaze who just mopes around home all day when he's not at uni or H's house). 

So my question is this: What do I do about K? His comments hurt me, even though I KNOW they're baseless and untrue. He's flat-out rude, but isn't bad when he shuts up. He’s always gonna be there whenever H invites me over to her house. I don’t think he'd appreciate me acting the righteous therapist and trying to talk to him about why he acts like that, to which he'd probably respond, “Because it’s funny.” What can I do?

The Gryphon (age 18)

* * *

Hi, Gryphon,

As implied by your comment about possibly acting like a therapist for K, you recognize that you are dealing with damaged goods. There’s something up with K that causes him to be mean to other people. Typically, such people have low self-esteem. They lash out at others like you in mean ways because it makes them feel superior, thus easing their inner turmoil, though never permanently. Calling you a “grandma” is one way to slam you. Bullies feed off of the reactions of their victims. When they see you are hurt—and even when you lash back with anger—they know they have done the job right and that encourages them to do it again and again.

There are several options that might work in this situation:

1. Fight hate with love. Without explanation, give him a random hug. Buy him a big cookie. Smile when he acts mean and say, “I know you’re hurting, but it’ll be okay.” When he asks you why you’re being nice, reply, “Because I thought you needed someone to be nice to you.” If it doesn’t work at first, keep trying. If you note any improvement, then keep at it. If, however, the situation doesn’t change, then go to method 2....
2. Still acting like a douche to you? Try the utterly silent treatment. Behave as if he doesn’t exist. Do not respond to anything he says. He’s dead to you. This can work because bullies thrive on attention, and when they get none they become bored and pick on someone else. If that happens, talk to his next victim and tell them what you did to get him off your back.
3. Talk to his family, if you can, and see what might be going on with his life. Explain to them what K has been doing to you and that you don’t appreciate it and ask them if they can talk to K. It sounds like you also need to talk to H, who keeps inviting K to social gatherings even though he’s a buttmunch. Make it very clear to H that you don’t like K’s behavior and that you might have to stop visiting if H insists on inviting K to the house. If H then chooses K over you, then you now know what H thinks of you and you probably want to reconsider your friendship status with H.
4. If none of the above methods work, then pull out the guns, your last option. If the best he can come up with is calling you a grandma, some bullies can be put down and silenced by outdoing their nastiness with humor: “You must have been born on a highway; that’s where most accidents happen.” “I would slap you, but I don’t want to improve your face.” “I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had about you.” “If I throw a stick, will you leave?” “Are you talking to yourself again?” “Must be time for your medication.” “Too bad your dad’s condom broke.” “It’s okay, I understand; you’re just bitter because your mom has a bigger d**k than you.” “How many times must I flush before you go down the drain?” “If you’re expecting some comeback, go wipe it off your mom’s face” (sorry, that’s a bit nasty, but ouch)  ... And if he says “F--- you!” you reply, “No thanks, I don’t want your STDs” (note the plural). If he uses other swear words, “Oh, dear, I’m so sorry about your Tourette Syndrome.” This method works against stupid people because they can’t come back with a strong reply, which results in their either making no reply or coming back with a lame reply, either one of which will make them look bad, and that is definitely not what they want. (Again, use this as a last resort; try the other options first).

And, while I don’t believe K poses a physical threat, if for some reason things escalate to that sorry state of affairs, do not be shy about going to the police. I just add that as a precaution; I don’t think it will happen here, but I don’t know K. Once, several years ago, I was threatened by a drunk biker. He cocked back his fist, getting ready to punch me; I didn’t flinch. I stared right at him and he backed down. That’s the nature of bullies and mean people. They want you to cower. Never cower.

I offer you several options here because no two situations are exactly alike. Consider the above and decide what might work best for you. Always remember that K’s behavior is not a reflection of who you are but, rather, who he is. Don’t let the hurtful remarks get to you.

Good luck!

Papabear