Hello there, Papabear,
I've had your articles appear on my twitter news feed quite often, and the things you help people with are so uplifting that it keeps me putting one foot in front of the other...
To try and shorten down who I am, I've got a bunch of medical issues, GAD, RBBB, PTSD and Depression strong enough for suidice, so it's really hard for me to get out of the house in general, and doing it to try and meet someone just makes me cry because I never do meet anyone, the people where I live are seemingly all so crass and dull, nobody smiles on the street, and people backaway from you if you say "hi" as if you are begging for money
I've got one decent, good friend in my life who lives ~10 km away, the others have all either simply moved away or have left the good life for the massive amount of drugs in the area where I live. He's a wonderful person and he inspires me to better myself, although I rarely get to see him. The sad part is that he's doing (average) so well in his life that it brings me to tears because of how bad I've done with my life. I try really hard to not show how much emotional pain I'm in all the time but in doing so people think that there’s nothing ever wrong with me, despite crying to sleep 2-7 days a week as a standard thing.
My problem is that I can't find people to have a chance at making new friends, I'm extremely alone in my life and it seems that the harder I try the more painful the failure is, leaving me to sit on my ass and not want to try for fear of failure, but hey, you don't succeed by not failing, the first step for a victory is a logged failure.
I'm not even sure you can help me with my problem as it seems to be that this entire town is either old retired people or meatheads that like sports and booze. I've considered going to college, but I'm so afraid of failure and the daunting factor of "you must be at school" and I can't take a break when I feel like it. I'm in tears as I'm typing to you and I realise that I'm starting to ramble, so to try and shorten all this down: I'm alone in my life, depressed to the point of suidical thoughts weekly, I've been trying for Four Years to meet people (dating sites, meeting sites all that crap) to only yield one good buddy, which gives me a silver lining that my efforts aren't a waste, but that person I found is so great that it makes me feel Horrible to the point of tears and nobody wants to be around the hobbyless depressed poor guy with mental problems.
I wish I could find a lover, but at this point I'd settle for just a friend. I feel that everyone needs friends, and it Really hurts to not have them. The one I have lives an extremely busy life and we can't ever hangout, especially now that he's dating.
I'm sorry to unload all this on you, but you seem you be willing to help people like me for whatever your reason is, that makes me smile and gives me hope that this world isn't a shitty place that I should just give up and leave, I've thought about it many times and I just want to share all the love I have with someone before I decide to finally kill myself, the world at least deserves that from me; it'd be selfish of me to end my own life out of dismay despite all of my 1st world benefits
I'm just so unhappy all the time despite medication, I'm so sad, I'm so tired, I've almost compleatley given up on live and I would've already if it wasn't thanks to Genuinely Good People like yourself.
I hope you get back to me soon, and I hope that there will be some actual peice of advice that you can give that somehow i couldn't see, the people that I come across don't seem to like me for who I am, when I finally do find the right people, I like everyone so much that I become reclusively shy and people think that I'm avoiding them because I don't like them.
I'd hate to read a response from you that pretty much sums up my fears, something along the lines of "that sucks, it happens, chin up"
Fiyasko (age 22, Victoria BC)
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I'll write more later because I try to answer letters in the order I receive them. But when I get a letter such as yours that is about more serious issues I try to at least write a quick reply ASAP.
I am sorry for all your medical issues. To make sure I know what's going on, correct me if I'm wrong here: RBBB = right bundle branch block (heart condition), GAD = Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and of course PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder (were you ever in the military?)
Have you tried joining any support groups? I know there are quite a few for PTSD and depression. A lot of your problems stem from the anxiety and other emotional issues that you evidently don't have under control yet. In other words, it's not you, it's the medical conditions you have that are weighing you down, so you really need to do whatever you can to tackle them.
How are your finances? I'm guessing you get some government assistance? A lot of people write to me about how a lot of their problems stem from where they live. Is there any possibility you can move? Example: I moved from Michigan to southern California and am MUCH happier in a community that accepts gay people.
Are you a furry? Have you tried being active in the furry fandom? There are many people with disabilities in the fandom who could offer support and friendship. You can friend me, for instance, on Facebook (Kevin Hile), FurAffinity (Grubbs Grizzly), or just say hi on Yahoo (firstname.lastname@example.org).
More later, but I wanted to reply asap.
Hang in there, buddy.
P.S. You might want to change your name. It has negative energy. Try something more uplifting than a variant of fiasco. Hugs.
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Thanks for responding!, I'm very happy to see that you care so much about strangers! and of course I'm a furry! I wouldn't have asked You otherwise.
You've got the medical conditions correct, the PTSD is *big sigh* from being beaten and raped repeatedly during my youth by a family member (not a parent, we love each other).
I haven't tried joining any support groups for depression or things like that, I was in two years of councelling for my PTSD, but it's sort of become ingrained as a part of who I am when I look at people for who I think they are.
I've noticed heavily that I don't have my conditions under control, if anything they control me :(, although I'm a person who only takes medication if I Need it (yes, I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication) but my anti-depressants make me feel Flat, exciting things aren't exciting, and sad bad things just make me go "Meh."
My finances are stable. I don't really need to worry about things because of the Gov assistance, and I just recently got a job so I could have more income. However, I'm not sure of the process of if it stays with me/changes when I move, which it most likely will. I've considered moving, but I live with my parents and have no nearby relatives. If I were to move I'd be in a strange place with no friends or family nearby which sounds pretty depressing to me. If I were to move it'd only be over to the mainland (Vancouver) because I really like the climate and wildlife around here (TransCan trail a block away, a small forrest a block away, waterway a block away, it's really beautiful).
Thanks for responding out of order to me, you really didn't have to do that, I'm going to go look at schooling options as I think college would be a decent place to meet new people who are simmilarily minded.
Negative energy to the point of "idk, that name sounds like trouble"? It'd feel weird to change my furry alias after finally settling on it as "this feel right, I can identify myself with that and not feel weird."
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Okay, if you feel comfortable with that name, I certainly won’t try to make you change it. More importantly, I’m terribly sorry to hear about your horrifying childhood experiences! Given that and your other ailments, I would think those should be your priority. As you said, you don’t think you have them under control. I understand your objection to medication and still feel that group therapy could help. Take a look at this page to find a number of groups in your area, some of which may be suited to your needs. In addition to helping you with your ailments, a secondary effect may be that you could make some friends within your group or groups.
As for moving, we all make judgment decisions on things like this. If staying near friends and family that you know is more important than moving away from a place where most people are “crass and dull, nobody smiles,” then by all means, stay where you are, but don’t blame your depression on the people around you, since you evidently know enough right there who you love and like.
On the plus side, even though in your first letter you said you didn’t feel right about going back to school, now, in your second letter, you say you are considering your college options, which is good. And, yes, college is a great place to make new friends, too.
Although you are very troubled, I see a lot of good signs in you, Fiyasko. You recognize, for instance, that sometimes you have to face a few failures before finding success. You are open to changing your previous course and going back to school, despite some fears. You see, too, that the family and friends you have in your life are more valuable than the frustrations you feel about other residents in your area.
It is quite remarkable that you have all these good attitudes about life, Fiyasko, and that is very encouraging. Because of this, I believe that if you redouble your efforts on alleviating your trauma, stress, and anxiety issues that you’ll do just fine.
Please write again and let me know how you’re doing.
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