Thanks in advance, I really, REALLY respect what you're doing here. ^^
With Valentine's Day approaching [this letter was received February 12], I've been thinking a lot about the girl I'm in a relationship with, I'm wondering what you're opinion is with what we've been through in the 9 months we've been together.
This is my question. As you'll see below, the relationship that I wanted and that she said she wanted too, has TOTALLY derailed into what I've tried to avoid. However my feelings for this girl keeps me hanging on. I'm not unhappy, she's not manipulating me, she's just a girl with low self-esteem who was too timid to tell the truth, but I forgave her.
But now I'm at a loss. Has this girl earned a break up yet, or do I go through the motions and keep her until I move in about a year, trying to help her in her issues as best I can?
It was really quite nice when we agreed to start dating because we were very close friends while she was in another relationship, and when she broke up with her ex we basically went at it within a few days.
We already knew tons about one another, including the fact that I was a male-preferred Bi-sexual furry, and me "knowing" that she was bi-sexual, recovered-anorexic, and she actually (to my delight) said she was a furry! We wanted a casual, fun, sexy romance and for a few weeks it was just that and it was awesome. However, a few things came to light. I found out she's actually really uncomfortable with me being Bi, (she gets upset just by me mentioning my homosexual experiences) she was a virgin who never actually messed around with guys & girls like she said, and she also made some signs that she wanted a relationship that was... Extravagantly committed. She had a bit of a "soul mate" complex going on. Oh, and she wasn't furry. Although she promised she was "curious" about it.
So basically, a few lies. I was obviously very disappointed but I thought we could just go forward from there, now that everything was out in the open, but -WHOOPS she just confessed that she still actively anorexic. To my horror, she confessed she lies about what she eats when I ask her, and all those nice (HEALTHY) dinners I brought her to, she's PURGED.
I'm a little worried because now that I'm seeing this girl's true colors I'm not liking what I see... She fibbed little to make herself more attractive to me, and now this disorder which she's promised me she's recovered from, I'm finding out is actually VERY much a part of her life, and what's worse, she's actually in LOVE with this disorder. When we smoke weed she talks about it like I would talk about my love in acting or artwork. But She doesn’t want to talk about the artwork she does, she wants to talk about what phase in her anorexic cycle she paints best in. She brings it up in conversation in front OF PEOPLE as if it's a workout routine, or a fashion statement. She's proud of it! she considers it an artistic expression! But she knew, because I told her, I was not comfortable with this "love" of hers so she covered it up and said it was in her past.
Our sex life is a mess because she doesn’t have the experience she said she had and I was prepared for. So her lies are beginning to catch up on our relationship.
I'm forgiving this girl's fibs left and right and she apologizes each time, and I love her enough that I want her to know I will accept her for HER, but I don't know if I can do it as a "mate" anymore.
I know this girl needs love and she needs help but I don't know how I can love and help this girl if I break up with her, even though she's lied about things ranging from her furry fascination to her hidden PASSION for her eating disorder which she promised me was no longer in her life. And I've done my best to forgive these fibs of hers, which are obviously born from low-self-esteem on her part. I used to do the same thing in high school to puff myself up. I keep thinking she deserves to be forgiven for all the shit going on, but she also kinda deserves to be dumped. I'm just very conflicted.
Help me out, Papa.
Shrapnel (age 20)
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For accuracy’s sake, your girlfriend is bulimic, not anorexic. In anorexia, a person simply starves herself, but if one has bulimia nervosa one binges on food and then purges.
That’s a technical mistake. The emotional mistake you’re making is believing that you are somehow obligated to make this person happy by being her boyfriend even though she has repeatedly lied to you about who she really is. You wanted to be with someone who was a furry and, well, preferably, not suffering from an eating disorder. Also, she lied about her sexual experience, and I bet she lied about being bi just to please you because if she were really bi she would understand how you felt, being bisexual, too. In other words, this person is a compulsive liar and the person you think you love isn’t really that person at all.
This is one of those letters that Papabear gets in which, I suspect, the writer, you, wants a second opinion that will validate what you have already concluded to be the right decision. That is, you really don’t want to be this girl’s boyfriend, do you? Be honest. And hanging out with her for another year is just a strategy you are considering so that you can escape “gracefully.” I bet you plan to move and then “lose touch” with her using distance as an excuse because you don’t have the courage to tell her now that it is over.
This relationship has no future. This girl needs some help and needs to get her act together. It’s nice if you wish to be her friend and help her (if she actually wants help), but don’t feel obligated to have a sham relationship with someone who is, frankly, poison to your emotional well being.
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