Dear Papabear,
I've got a little bit of a problem, and I'm not sure how to go about solving it (wait, that's the point of advice columns, isn't it... oh).
I know a girl outside of the fandom that I had previously expressed romantic interest in. My sister, my father and my friends all know about this. She's a pretty close family friend, and most all my friends know her. So when word got out that I liked her, there was a total lack of surprise from everyone. That's not my problem though.
My problem arose when I met someone else. In this case, a furry who I believe meets all the criteria I'm looking for in a potential mate (or wife, if you want to use boring people terms). The issue I'm having is that I don't know how to explain this to my family or friends. My friends all act like me and the local girl are deeply in love (saying things like "so when will you ask her out"). While I really can't speak for her, I can say that I'm not completely sure that's the case for me.
I don't know whether I should try to explain my new possible love interest to them, or if I should go back to the local friend. I really wouldn't have too big of a problem being with her, but she comes from a small town family (as we all do around here), and I doubt her or her parents would approve of the furry thing. I don't really want to change who I am for someone, but at the same time, I'd love to not die alone, if you know what I mean (actually, it's a pretty straightforward saying, so I don't even know how you wouldn't know what I'm saying, if you know what I'm saying. Wait, what?).
I promise you, if I were to walk up to my dad and say "I really like someone that I've never actually met", he would go absolutely crazy. Not in a good way. In fact, he's been so negative about almost everything in my life that I've avoided telling him things about my life, just to keep him from getting angry. That's a completely different story altogether, though.
Tips?
Thanks,
Anonymous (age 15)
* * *
Dear Anonymous,
Hon, you are 15 years old. Don’t you think that’s a little soon to be pressuring yourself to get married? And also a little young to be worried about dying alone? Goodness me! I’m not sure what species of furry you are, but you are certainly not a bear. We bears take things much more in stride, and so should you.
Also, when it comes to finding a mate, the person you should try to please is yourself: not your family, not your friends, not the townspeople’s expectations of you, but you. And, along those lines, when you do find a mate, it should be someone who accepts you for you, furriness and all.
If you are not interested (at least not to the extent of marriage) in the local girl, then the first thing you need to do is stop leading her on, stop acting like you’re going to go steady and might someday get engaged just to please the families. Second—and if you have read my column you would know this already—you need to meet the girl you are interested in in person. Please do not try to carry out a long-distance relationship unless it is feasible to actually be in the same room with the young woman with whom you are falling in love.
Too bad about your dad being unsupportive of you. Bad dad. But when it comes to love that should not be what influences you. This is YOUR life, not his, and you have to live with the choices you make.
At 15, it is easy to be intimidated by one’s father (or mother). That little factoid is what really screwed up my early life in many ways until I managed to break out of that pattern. Unfortunately, when you are still a minor, the parent has all the control, especially when it comes to money and “my rules.” If the parent is a good parent, this is not a problem (good parents love their children for who they are and only use rules as a way to try to give guidelines and boundaries that actually most children want [they might not know it, but they do] and thrive on); it’s when they are bad parents (do not accept their children if they are different from their expectations) that their power becomes a trap that most people are unable to escape until they are able to move out of the house.
I digressed a bit there, sorry. The important thing to remember is that you should love the people you want to love (as long as they are good and not hurtful people), whether or not others approve of them.
Hope that makes sense. I wish you love and happiness.
Papabear
I've got a little bit of a problem, and I'm not sure how to go about solving it (wait, that's the point of advice columns, isn't it... oh).
I know a girl outside of the fandom that I had previously expressed romantic interest in. My sister, my father and my friends all know about this. She's a pretty close family friend, and most all my friends know her. So when word got out that I liked her, there was a total lack of surprise from everyone. That's not my problem though.
My problem arose when I met someone else. In this case, a furry who I believe meets all the criteria I'm looking for in a potential mate (or wife, if you want to use boring people terms). The issue I'm having is that I don't know how to explain this to my family or friends. My friends all act like me and the local girl are deeply in love (saying things like "so when will you ask her out"). While I really can't speak for her, I can say that I'm not completely sure that's the case for me.
I don't know whether I should try to explain my new possible love interest to them, or if I should go back to the local friend. I really wouldn't have too big of a problem being with her, but she comes from a small town family (as we all do around here), and I doubt her or her parents would approve of the furry thing. I don't really want to change who I am for someone, but at the same time, I'd love to not die alone, if you know what I mean (actually, it's a pretty straightforward saying, so I don't even know how you wouldn't know what I'm saying, if you know what I'm saying. Wait, what?).
I promise you, if I were to walk up to my dad and say "I really like someone that I've never actually met", he would go absolutely crazy. Not in a good way. In fact, he's been so negative about almost everything in my life that I've avoided telling him things about my life, just to keep him from getting angry. That's a completely different story altogether, though.
Tips?
Thanks,
Anonymous (age 15)
* * *
Dear Anonymous,
Hon, you are 15 years old. Don’t you think that’s a little soon to be pressuring yourself to get married? And also a little young to be worried about dying alone? Goodness me! I’m not sure what species of furry you are, but you are certainly not a bear. We bears take things much more in stride, and so should you.
Also, when it comes to finding a mate, the person you should try to please is yourself: not your family, not your friends, not the townspeople’s expectations of you, but you. And, along those lines, when you do find a mate, it should be someone who accepts you for you, furriness and all.
If you are not interested (at least not to the extent of marriage) in the local girl, then the first thing you need to do is stop leading her on, stop acting like you’re going to go steady and might someday get engaged just to please the families. Second—and if you have read my column you would know this already—you need to meet the girl you are interested in in person. Please do not try to carry out a long-distance relationship unless it is feasible to actually be in the same room with the young woman with whom you are falling in love.
Too bad about your dad being unsupportive of you. Bad dad. But when it comes to love that should not be what influences you. This is YOUR life, not his, and you have to live with the choices you make.
At 15, it is easy to be intimidated by one’s father (or mother). That little factoid is what really screwed up my early life in many ways until I managed to break out of that pattern. Unfortunately, when you are still a minor, the parent has all the control, especially when it comes to money and “my rules.” If the parent is a good parent, this is not a problem (good parents love their children for who they are and only use rules as a way to try to give guidelines and boundaries that actually most children want [they might not know it, but they do] and thrive on); it’s when they are bad parents (do not accept their children if they are different from their expectations) that their power becomes a trap that most people are unable to escape until they are able to move out of the house.
I digressed a bit there, sorry. The important thing to remember is that you should love the people you want to love (as long as they are good and not hurtful people), whether or not others approve of them.
Hope that makes sense. I wish you love and happiness.
Papabear
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