His Divorced Mother's Behavior Has Inexplicably Changed towards Him

Dear Papabear,

My mother and father got divorced when I was very young, I can vaguely remember it. I have always swapped houses between my mother and my father during each week. I had a therapist for a while until I could fully deal with the divorce (This was a while back). After that, for seven years I was happy with both my parents. My mother got re-married a few years ago while my father just recently got re-married in September.

Then, something happened around Christmas; my mother and stepfather started to treat me in a way they never have. They ignored me, yelled at me for no apparent reason, and caused arguments blown way out of proportion. I didn't understand, because I've always been nice to them, always did what I was told, and no apparent reason, and caused arguments blown way out of proportion. I didn't understand, because I've always been nice to them, always did what I was told, and always loved them dearly. My mother gave my barely younger sister a get out of jail free card for every situation. One day, I was doing homework while my sister was being very rude and mean towards me and my mother. My mother didn't react to her, she didn't tell her to stop. I was quiet until I angrily slammed my books on the counter and moved to a different room. What does she do? She follows me and yells at me for slamming my books instead of simply dealing with the reason why I did it.

I've been a good kid so I don't get it. Due to things like this happening, I went to seek help from my therapist who I haven't talked to in a very long time. We sat down and discussed why this was going on, but to no avail did we find an answer. I then told my mother I was depressed due to how she was handling situations and treating me. Instead of even acknowledging it, she simply said, "I'm the parent, you're the child, I make decisions, and it really hurts that you would question my parenting." She made me feel guilt for expressing myself ... and it was too much. It keeps going on today, the same thing every other day.

It just keeps getting worse and worse with them calling me immature, selfish, ungrateful, and a jerk for explaining the reasons why I'm sad all the time. Thoughts of dark and very haunting things have made me sick. All of this is brought up now because I have reached a point where I have to make a decision: Do I stay with my mom and keep her happy, or live entirely with my father? If I go with staying with my mother and stepfather, I will loose control of myself eventually, but this will mean they will be happy that I'm there. On the other end, if I leave to my father's, I will be happy while my mother is heartbroken, and she will try to get money out of my father in order to cope with everything. This is where I stand at this exact moment.

Vex (age 15)

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Dear Vex,

Favortism in parents can be a difficult thing to be sure. I want to first give you a link to a useful Psychology Today article on the subject. In the article, I feel the point that might apply to you has to do with parental stress. The article notes that parents might suddenly exhibit favoritism between children when something particularly stressful has occurred in their lives (probably to do with finances or their relationship). Do you think that might be what’s going on? If they could resolve whatever is affecting them (if that’s the case), it would probably change their behavior toward you. What’s most important is that you acknowledge to yourself that this is NOT your fault, but, rather, your mom and stepdad’s problem.

That said, the next step Papabear would recommend is that you talk to your biological father. Tell him what is going on and tell him that—until things change—you want to live with him. It is important that you take care of yourself and NOT feel guilty about it.

Concerning your fear that your mom will ask your dad for more money. Don’t worry about it. In the divorce papers, there will be specific language as to any alimony and your father is not obliged to pay her more. She can ask all she wants, and your dad can say no.

Concerning your worries that moving in with Dad will make Mom unhappy. Hey, she’s the one making YOU miserable to the point that you fear you will “lose control.” Too bad if moving out makes her sad. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. If everything you say in your letter is true and her treatment of you is completely unjustified, then she needs to get it together and realize she’s being a bad mother.

Your mental, physical, and emotional well-being comes first, Vex. Do what you need to do so that you will be happy and healthy.

Good luck!

Papabear