Hi there, Papabear,
You helped me out before with a question I had about my friends and we are doing a lot better now, so I wanted to thank you for that, but I have a different question now about myself. For the last couple of years I have been making plans and saving up to move out of my mom’s house, and move overseas with my mate. I've told a few friends and they think that I'm crazy for wanting to move over from the states to go to Australia to be with someone whom I've never met but am in love with. But, like I said, me and her have been making these plans pretty much since we started going out 3 years ago, getting the visa, passport, saving up for the ticket and everything.
I have almost everything done in preparations, except for one thing: how do I tell my mom? I know you might not be able to help me out, but you are so good at helping furs with a problem and I've been having this one ever since I started making plans. My mom is overprotective of me and was scared when I went to go visit a friend on the other side of the U.S., not much less go to another continent. Me and her have a great relationship between each other since my father left and I don't want to make her worry or to try and guilt trip me, trying to change my mind on something that I know is set in stone. So I guess I'm asking, “What is the right time and how do I bring it up to her and explain it to her?” I hope to hear back from you soon, thank you in advance.
* * *
You’re most welcome, and so glad I could help. Now, about your concerns. A few things I can say on this topic.... For one, if I were you I would be extremely careful about moving across the world, let alone closer by, for someone you met on the Internet and have never seen in person. I know, I know, you’re in love with your online mate, but Papabear has known several cases of couples who met over the Internet, then moved in together and it didn’t work out. So, think of this scenario: you move clear across the world, move in with your mate, and after a couple months you’re driving each other crazy and she kicks you out (an Internet relationship in no way resembles a living-together relationship; trust me on this one). What then? Would you stay in Australia? Would you try and move back? Consider all the possibilities and make plans for all contingencies before you make such a huge move in your life, both geographically and emotionally.
That being said, you are 21 years old, which is old enough to make your own decisions. Unless there is some big reason for it that you’re not telling me in your letter (such as you have an illness of some kind), then it is really time for your mother to stop being overprotective and recognize you’re a grown woman. This, too, is assuming that you are making this big move using your own resources and not by borrowing money from your family. If that's the case, then the people you're borrowing money from have a say in this.
Now then, let’s say that everything between you and your mate will go hunky dory and you can pay for the trip yourself and everything is a go! To your questions: how to tell Mom? When to tell Mom? The answer is to tell her now. Certainly, don’t wait until the last minute, as in, “Can’t make dinner tonight, Mom, I’m leaving for Australia.” That would just be a slap in the face for someone who has cared for you all her life. You say you have a great relationship with your mom. If that is true, then great communication should be no problem. Tell her now what your plans are. Bad enough you’ve been planning this for three years behind her back, so don’t keep this news from her any longer.
How do you bring it up to her.... Well, I would also hope that she knows you’re a lesbian. If she’s cool with that already, then that is very promising that she’s a good mom. Next, does she know your mate at all? Does she know you’ve been talking to this other woman all this time? If not, you have got to introduce her now. If she does know her, then great! That should ease her mind somewhat that you aren’t moving into a stranger’s place in a foreign country. Give her all the background information first, and then tell her about your moving plans.
The best way to bring things up like this is to make sure all the cards are on the table and play fairly with your mother. Consider that your move is going to make it very difficult for her to see you and that she will miss you terribly and it will be very hard on her. Be kind to a mother’s heart.
All those precautions being stated, I hope that it works out for you and that you are very happy with your mate in Australia.
This is very good words of advice to people in these kinds of foot steps. I'm in the same place, but me and my mate have known each other for longer then that, and we're a little younger. And we both live in the USA. But anyone who wants to do this should go over this. My mom and dad know of My mate, and talk to my mate too. They also (kind of) Know that I'm planning to move over there when I'm ready and are (sort of) supporting of it, for they want me to to go the college I want. At least that's a good start. Am I right?
4/14/2013 04:15:08 pm
Hi Samtha This is Brownee Bear I read about moving. But before you moved you should think about second thought. Moving from The U.S. Can be dangeous.Since Foregin counties Don,t have The same laws in U.S. But I,m not stopping you. Are You sure you made the right decesion.if you decide on this please be careful. Us Bears worries about friends.If you decide on this we are going to missed you. Most Relationships Don,t work out very well. Your Mom loves you. You should stay with your mom. Heres another suggestion is there a way you can meet this person. tell this person to come to where youre at. This way you can study this fur. And think if you did a right choice or do you want to go thru this. i hope i gave you a better suggestion. Peace *hugs*
4/15/2013 12:57:59 am
Personally, I'd recommend a trial period. Before you straight up move in with this person for the rest of your life, make sure you have enough money for a trip there, and a trip back. Go for a set amount of time, say five or six months. That's plenty of time to get a good feel on someone. If after this trial period you still feel the same way, the go ahead and stay and enjoy you and your mate's time.
4/16/2013 03:35:46 pm
even if (and this would never happen though) we did break up, she already promised me that I would still have a place to live with her there, so I know things will be okay but thank you for the concern.
4/17/2013 04:43:50 am
Okay, good, so you have a Plan B. I know you don't think these things can happen, but they do. For example, I thought I'd be married until the day I died, but I got divorced. Stuff happens. Life happens. It is always wise to be prepared. I don't want you to break up with your mate, and I hope very much that the two of you will be happy for decades to come. Good luck in the Land Down Under!
Leave a Reply.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.