"Hi, Mom! I'm Moving to Australia to Live with My Online Love!"

Hi there, Papabear, 

You helped me out before with a question I had about my friends and we are doing a lot better now, so I wanted to thank you for that, but I have a different question now about myself. For the last couple of years I have been making plans and saving up to move out of my mom’s house, and move overseas with my mate. I've told a few friends and they think that I'm crazy for wanting to move over from the states to go to Australia to be with someone whom I've never met but am in love with. But, like I said, me and her have been making these plans pretty much since we started going out 3 years ago, getting the visa, passport, saving up for the ticket and everything. 

I have almost everything done in preparations, except for one thing: how do I tell my mom? I know you might not be able to help me out, but you are so good at helping furs with a problem and I've been having this one ever since I started making plans. My mom is overprotective of me and was scared when I went to go visit a friend on the other side of the U.S., not much less go to another continent. Me and her have a great relationship between each other since my father left and I don't want to make her worry or to try and guilt trip me, trying to change my mind on something that I know is set in stone. So I guess I'm asking, “What is the right time and how do I bring it up to her and explain it to her?” I hope to hear back from you soon, thank you in advance.

~Samantha Toxx

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Hi, Samantha,

You’re most welcome, and so glad I could help. Now, about your concerns. A few things I can say on this topic.... For one, if I were you I would be extremely careful about moving across the world, let alone closer by, for someone you met on the Internet and have never seen in person. I know, I know, you’re in love with your online mate, but Papabear has known several cases of couples who met over the Internet, then moved in together and it didn’t work out. So, think of this scenario: you move clear across the world, move in with your mate, and after a couple months you’re driving each other crazy and she kicks you out (an Internet relationship in no way resembles a living-together relationship; trust me on this one). What then? Would you stay in Australia? Would you try and move back? Consider all the possibilities and make plans for all contingencies before you make such a huge move in your life, both geographically and emotionally.

That being said, you are 21 years old, which is old enough to make your own decisions. Unless there is some big reason for it that you’re not telling me in your letter (such as you have an illness of some kind), then it is really time for your mother to stop being overprotective and recognize you’re a grown woman. This, too, is assuming that you are making this big move using your own resources and not by borrowing money from your family. If that's the case, then the people you're borrowing money from have a say in this.

Now then, let’s say that everything between you and your mate will go hunky dory and you can pay for the trip yourself and everything is a go! To your questions: how to tell Mom? When to tell Mom? The answer is to tell her now. Certainly, don’t wait until the last minute, as in, “Can’t make dinner tonight, Mom, I’m leaving for Australia.” That would just be a slap in the face for someone who has cared for you all her life. You say you have a great relationship with your mom. If that is true, then great communication should be no problem. Tell her now what your plans are. Bad enough you’ve been planning this for three years behind her back, so don’t keep this news from her any longer.

How do you bring it up to her.... Well, I would also hope that she knows you’re a lesbian. If she’s cool with that already, then that is very promising that she’s a good mom. Next, does she know your mate at all? Does she know you’ve been talking to this other woman all this time? If not, you have got to introduce her now. If she does know her, then great! That should ease her mind somewhat that you aren’t moving into a stranger’s place in a foreign country. Give her all the background information first, and then tell her about your moving plans.

The best way to bring things up like this is to make sure all the cards are on the table and play fairly with your mother. Consider that your move is going to make it very difficult for her to see you and that she will miss you terribly and it will be very hard on her. Be kind to a mother’s heart.

All those precautions being stated, I hope that it works out for you and that you are very happy with your mate in Australia.

Good luck!

Papabear