He's Worried He Won't Hear the Words "I Love You" Returned

Dear Papabear,

It’s been quite a while since I wrote my first letter, and I never properly thanked you what you’d written me. So, Thank you very much! Your kind words helped me decide to really buckle down. In the year to come, I have chosen to focus my career and school involvement on film. I’m truly excited to see what the future holds for me.

This letter is also focused on the future, or rather, my future with someone. At the start of this year I met a fantastic guy at a furry con. Something struck me about him and inspired me to reach out to him after the convention. The two of us have been talking with each other daily since then, and have met up several times at conventions through the year. On a deeper level we’ve both helped each other through difficult times this past year, the loss of his father, and the animosity I perceived from certain friends. Even more recently we spent a fantastic weekend together; exploring towns, attending a furry pool party, and more.

During that weekend I asked him what he would call us. He expressed that he felt we were very close friends, and followed by asking me if what I felt for him was love.

While holding him in my arms, I told him yes.

It takes me a while to fall in love, He told me the same about himself. He comes from a very strict background and opening up is hard for him. But he wants to open up to me, and he even gave me tips on how to help him with it.

I know that I love him, and knows it too. At every turn he has shown me that it’s okay, and that he truly appreciates my affection. But, he also expressed that he has yet to feel a spark, and seems to genuinely want to.

I want this to be his decision, I don’t want to convince him. I guess my question is, 
Is it okay to want things?

At the close of my last relationship, I asked myself the same question. I keep getting close to why I feel it’s not okay for me to want things; I fear that my selfishness will hurt someone. That if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not…. It still hurts.

I wanted this to be a shorter or a simpler problem than last time.… Anything you think may help will always be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Rillee Satranack

* * *

Dear Rillee,

Glad to hear that you have some exciting things going on in your life. 

Is it okay to want things? Yes and no. On one paw, everyone has wants and desires in life, and feeling guilty about that because you somehow feel selfish or unworthy is something that many misguided people endure.

Let's rephrase your question: Are you worthy of love and happiness? Absolutely, you are. It is not selfish to want to be happy and to have people in our lives to love.

Where we get into problems is when we have clingy, needy, codependent love. Love can be demanding and selfish and one-way. These are unhealthy expressions of love that are often born of low self-esteem and usually end up destroying relationships.

In your case, no, I don't think you are being selfish, clingy, or unreasonable. You are approaching this with caution and creating communication with your love interest that is open and honest. Wonderful!  Great job!

The question now becomes: Will he love you back? There's no way I can answer for him, of course. Clearly, he has affection for you, so that is a solid start. Also, the best and most dependable love relationships begin with good friendships. Blessed are they who find love with their best friends!

My advice to you in this case is just take it slowly. Keep the communication open; keep doing things with him and share good times. Don't push him or nag him to answer the question, "Do you love me back?" For some reason, he might not be ready for that just yet, but that doesn't mean he won't ever be.

This will sound very open-ended and inconclusive, but just enjoy what you have now and see where it goes. Live in the moment. It's fine to let him know what you are feeling, but don't press him. When the moment is right and he decides, he will tell you.

Love is a marathon, not a sprint.

Blessed Be,
Papabear