I honestly never told anyone this and I feel you want understand unless you know the whole story. I went to college out of state for a year then transferred back due to a family emergency (which is solved now, yay!). Please bear (no puns? ok..) with me this is a quite a story. Every freshmen who with a certain scholarship had to participate in certain event, when its complete they scan your student ID and you're marked for going. The very first event was "Meet the Greeks" In all honesty I was dreading for it to be over before it started (don't get me wrong at the prior to the event I thought Greek great. I just knew that me being in one is almost lying to myself). When we walked down stairs to the basement I saw they guys, they looked exactly how I thought they would, except one (yes, its one of those ridiculous cute guy moments, and I'm honestly cringing and feeling mixed emotions while I type his description) dark blue cap with a white outline, deep blue shirt, dark blue track pants, and red running shoes (Now that I think about it, just from his description he sounds like a douche or is it just me?) like myself you can tell he didn't want to be there, they where possibly giving introductions or a name call I don't know I was admiring this tall cutie until he looked at me. Know me I my have glared at him for a brief moment crossed my arms then turned my attention to the door to the kitchen. Although when I decided to look at him again and he was still looking at me (I was really surprised because usually when I do that most guys look away in a instant)that caused my glare to harden a bit and look farther down the room (not to intimidate him mostly angry at myself for getting caught) I bite my lower lip slightly as punishment but not to hard. Once everyone started to move I go towards the opposite direction everyone else went, by that time I already meet two of the guys prior to the event (because they were at our dorm event hosted outside where the residents HAD to go and meet the other residents and also eat free ice cream and I talked to them a bit. They were there for recruitment) I talked to them until all three couches were free, so I took a seat waiting for it to be over. When I scanned the room I was looking at the cute guy talking to other cute guys all I think was 'I'm sure he could get with anyone of them' looked away and just sighed rubbed my face a bit, I would be on my phone but no phones were allowed during the event. So I just sat there chew on my bottom lip tapping my foot thinking about how I may never be able to see him again, let along talk to him while looking at him talk to other guys. Then curse my luck he sat down across from me and spoke (I have no people skills or know how to have a conversation with anyone) even though I can't relate to most people and judging from what I've been watching laughing for the first time (which is important to remember). Fast forwarding I rushed the house and pledge and got to know him better and I'm starting to like him more (Have I mention I've never dated anyone? Also I've only liked 3 people total even now) so one day I got tipsy for the first time (fun fact I speak my mind at that stage) had over 8 or 9 Jell-O shots that night, he was showing me video clips of him playing soccer in high school he was the goalie (a damn good one at that) and I was over flattering him (my first time flirting with someone.. EVER) then later that night he asked was I flirting and said he was scared (he was laughing and started to cover himself I find that really fun when I think about it) of course I said no and left. Later down the like we became what I thought friends, when he got drunk I made sure he was not doing anything to hurt himself (the other guys told me that he's an adult but I tired anyway) when he got a concussion I'd tell him if he need anything let me know, I became a parent in other words I thought if I couldn't be with him then I least want to be a good friend (I didn't have those either, I also spend almost EVERYDAY in his room watching him play video games while I commentate he really enjoyed that). Wanting to distance myself from him because he was pretty much getting laid every night and I just decided to give up and use that time to get back in my hobby, photography, so I wanted to be the first person photographer of the Quidditch team my friend Joey was the caption and I asked him and was granted approval. Not know what the sport was he invited me to go to the first practice of the season and aslo about the tournament coming soon, I was excited until he told me the roster (Yup, he was on the team too) I couldn't just back down, he was really happy when I asked. When practice day came he was a clown, at that point he picked up on my speech pattern (also he didn't know what juke was is football until I told him) he would ask me how was that juke every time laughing , I was having fun but wanted to do this to get away not sucked in more. After practice he asked me to come to his room and watch him play a game I never seen before (I was a bit shocked he knew curiosity was my weakness). Tournament day arrived, we had to stay at a hotel there was 4 girls and 4 boys, which means we had to share a bed (oh boy..) and when that time came it was a vote who shares a bed with who and Joey and my other Greek brother called each other name so fast I didn't take a breath which means we share a bed (why me, that's all I thought. At that time I wanted to detach those feelings but the thought of sharing a bed didn't help!). The three of them decided to go somewhere and I wanted to stay, so when they left I went to bed, I woke up and felt wind on my forehead I realized it was him so I turned my back towards him and fell back asleep (That's what I know, but later in the future he told me he was laying on top of me..). Fast forwarding a bit I was trying to accept my feelings but not act on (at this point he SHOWED me what the game red light was. If you don't know its where your opponent puts his hand on your knee and he will go up slowly and will stop when you say red light. I always told him to keep going at your own risk and no he never touched it. But he was close, he was just on the wrong knee, thank goodness. Also, he's been getting VERY noticeable boners, I try not to look but with that size how could I not..) Then I later find out a good friend of mine told me she liked him (that hurt me honesty but what really hurts was when they dated). I was happy about it because she was a sweet girl and she deserved someone like him (I decided to official let these feelings go for good so they can be happy), but there was a slight problem, she was abstinent and he had sex almost every week. He never cheated on her it just made her nervous when she was alone with him and he wanted to "watch a movie" she would come to my room and ask me to join for that reason and I did, I just felt uncomfortable and a bit upset. She was leaning on his chest with her legs on the futon and he sat there stroking her arm then his hand eventually ended on rubbing her butt, not wanting to sit through it I said I had an early class tomorrow (The only think that made it uncomfortable and upset was just being the third-wheel which always happens to me in any situation). During that time she was always in there and the rate of him calling me in there declined quite a bit but he still did (I forgot to mention, we lived on the second floor and he is the first door on the left, across is the bathroom. My room is on the right and four rooms down from his including the bathroom and the water fountain was on the right. And every time he called me I was passing by his door he always singed my name lol). Eventually they broke up and it impacted her heavily and he seemed a bit off about it, he never wanted to talk to me about it (maybe because I was friends with her, but I was honestly sad I thought they were cute together) but I could tell something was off. One night he go drunk (I was staying away from drinks at the time) and he showed that it really affected him, he didn't cry he play a brake up country song and was sing and talking to me. Fast forwarding a bit I was in the process of reminding myself that "He's is pretty much the only real friend I had and I should be thankful for that" (The other people who I said were good friends are but I spent EVERYDAY with this guy so its bound to be different then theirs) at this time I was in the Theater club because on the same night I got drunk and failed flirted with him I ended up agreeing to join the Theater club. I met another nice friend that night, her name is Sage, and so since I had the thought of him being just a friend I started hanging out with her everyday instead of him (I'm honestly cruel for this, I already knew she was emotionally unstable so I just attached myself to someone I knew I could waste my time with.. But I did want to help her overcome all those problem and she did eventually). Though I started to notice changes with him, it start with him would call me to his room to watch him with his regular honest enthusiasm and I tell him I'm going to hangout with Sage and he asked are we going to do it and I'll say no and leave, then really changed when he would call me and ask to watch and I stand there and watch and he ask me to sit down and I'll tell him I'm going with Sage then he would fall silent then when I leave and as I'm walking down the stairs he slams his door (and I mean SLAMS his door, I wanted to check on him but I'd think to myself "I am not his boyfriend" and continue walking, then every time I come back his door would be open and he would watch me walk by (I was getting ready to read an update on my favorite vn's) and once I reach my door his door slams shut, I'd sigh and think that thought again. Guys around the house would be shock to see me somewhere else around the house, it became a theme that if you want to find me go to his room, but eventually I decided to hangout it him. I go in and sit down next to him and ask him what is he playing when it was clearly Madden he told me and he asked me "Not going to Sage?" I can tell he was grumpy and he started raging at the game and I started to chuckle to myself while covering my mouth, he asked me was I laughing and I said with a bit of sarcasm "What? No.." and he started to laugh a bit and said "You can laugh" or "I don't mind you laughing". Fast forwarding a bit and at this point he's yell or ask me "Lets fuck" so many times the whole house knows, one time he asked me calmly and I said no and he asked why not, I don't really remember my response or if I just chuckled and lean on my hand but he did give a quick glance. I've also notice him looking at me from the corner of his eye once (oh and the constant boners never stopped, although the amount of girls he slept with almost to nearly stopped). At that point I finally just accepted the thought of him as a friend (at this point we returned from winter break and I spent it with Sage), but one day I just wanted a break from everyone and I wanted to focus on classes, until a brother asked me can he talked to me and asked did I know why he called me in there and I said yes (That whole week everyone I knew was asking me was I mad at Sage and I'll say no) but that wasn't it. He said there is a rumor that a brother and pledge had sex (Pause. Now bare with me because this may get hairy. The only people in the house who hangout with each other everyday at that point was Group A: How had an openly gay member but he was never here, and there was me and Justin who hangout everyday. And two days prior to this, the same brother questioning me told me before I arrive he said "I want to fuck" and when up stairs and called my name. Then the day before this talk he said what I'm guessing a very lewd comment while going to his room I didn't hear what was said but everyone just looked and me wide eyed and gapped mouths, I asked what he say and they told me it was nothing). I was shocked and asked who was it and he said he didn't know (He only questioned me and another pledge and he left his door open when he asked him but not with me. He stopped the comments after that but we still hung out). Later he got a girlfriend who he is still with to this day (I was only shocked that they got together so fast) I was a bit happy for him even if he completely shut me out. He was either at her dorm or he was in his with the door closed all day everyday (I felt abandoned, like I was easily forgotten about. Before he go with her he would send me snaps on snapchat, we had a 6 day streak, if you don't know we messaged every single day. When he got with her it just stopped), though one day he crossed my line. One night his girlfriend was storming out saying good night like she was fine, being a good sport I went after her to make sure he was fine but she started crying. Long story short they had an argument and he has a concussion and she asked me could I watch him since I'm the only one he can trust (that was a fact, he trust no one with his credit card but one day he asked me to get something for him). I go to check on him and his door is closed and lock (of course) I text his phone and sent a message on snapchat I asked "where are you?", he replied to the snapchat he said "outside" I run out side and looked around, then ran out back and see his truck gone I hear tire screeches and run to the front and see him driving off fast. I called him and it went right to voicemail after the second ring, I text him (all the text are on snapcaht) to come back and he said no. I texted at least pick me up (I can drive but I have no license, that way I'm not worried about him having an accident) he said he wants be alone, I told him that he can talk to me about it, that's what friends are for. He read it but didn't respond I wait a bit and send "Right" it was on send then he opened it and didn't reply (Ok, I have a history why I don't have friends. In all my school years, all the people who I thought my friends told me that we were never friends this includes high school. I did their homework for them, I've been abused in way that put me in the hospital and if I told anyone those students would be expelled. I may not sound like anything but I've been scared literally and mentally and used, I took all this pain just for one single friend, but in the end I'm told I in my face we were never friends. I swore on my name that as long as I hold a breath in my body it will never happen again. And I not one to break a promise, especially one to myself) I send "Right?" again, he didn't open it for 2 mins then he replied asking me to tell another brother that he is ok (All the emotions that I felt just stopped) I'm just staring at the message trying to comprehend it, then he sends question marks 'Did he just...ignore me...?' that's all I could think then he message me again saying he's messaging him now. I replied "Tell him yourself" he sent more question marks I could bring myself to reply then me message me saying bright lights hurt his eyes and he can't read the messages, I told him to come back before he has an accident and he just read the message and didn't reply (All I could think was him just ignoring me asking are we friends but he can reply to other people and just ignore me.). Later that night he said his girlfriend convinced him to come back, when he go back I texted him should I check on him (I was emotionless, and my heart rate went up) and replied no but thanks. It took two or three days later I had a mental breakdown. I avoided him, ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder for a while, every time someone ask me about him I'd say "Why are you asking me?" (It really hurt, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at my self for jumping to conclusions like that. When I thought about it we never really talked about anything and there were other brothers he just had a great conversation with while I was just sitting there. I came to the conclusion that he just thought of me as temporary entertainment until he have one of his friends to come by). Fast forwarding to summer break, I had a someone who was going to take me to the train station, as I went around and said goodbye he was my last stop, even though he was on the phone so I just playfully punched his arm and left. The I transferred. Current date, lately we've been having conversations like we use to (on snapchat), I can tell he would message me when he was with her or without her and he replied fast (one day he wanted to make a bet that he will find me. I said $15, then he said "$10 and a really good massage. I just send lol but he asked "deal?" and I just said "Fine deal lol"). Until yesterday, he asked "why no picture?" (he's been snapping pics the whole time and sometime text) I send one of me looking confused with the caption "I don't know..." and then after he reads it he sends "I almost forgot what you look like" with two laughing emoji's. Then he just started to message slow, like 5 hours later slow. Week before his sudden message I've been trying to look for a date lately but I fail every time they see how I look.. Now I'm starting to get a bit depressed because I thought he remembered how I looked and just didn't mind messaging me but now.. Papabear I want to know what do you think of all this? Was I overreacting or did I have any right to feel that way? Please give me you brutality honest opinion, I can handle it I just don't like being deceived.
Mark (age 19)
* * *
My opinion is that this guy, Justin, is conflicted about his sexuality and is not handling it well. His mixed-up emotions are then expressed inappropriately by treating friends badly and insensitively. I don't think you've done anything wrong here; indeed, you're remarkably restrained. I think he needs to get his head together before he can have a healthy relationship of any kind. I don't think he's trying to deceive you so much as he is deceiving himself (lots of sex with women is overcompensating to hide his homosexual feelings). The fact that you've been abused by others in the past (so sorry to hear), makes you vulnerable to misinterpreting his intentions.
So, what to do? The first step is to recognize that Justin is confused and conflicted and that he is not thinking clearly. The second thing is to not take this as an invitation to lecture him or try to correct his behavior. He has to work it out for himself or with a professional counselor. The third thing to do is make sure you don't have sex with him (sounds like you have not, good). Having sex with someone messed up in the head is not a healthy thing for either of you. Sounds like he needs to spend a little less time on sex, sports, fraternity stuff, and video games and a lot more time actually studying and working on his classes (how are his grades?)
Feel free to be supportive and listen to him (just listen, don't offer advice) and keep him out of your pants, of course. Calm down your own libido, too, because it's not helping you or him. Since you're in a different school now, that shouldn't be a problem. As long as you don't see this guy as a potential mate, you should be okay. Also, if this stays on a friendship level, remember that friendships should go both ways. Try this out by asking him to do something (even a very minor thing) for you and see what he says. If he says something like "I don't have time to do that," then you have a pretty good idea that the friendship is bogus, too.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.