I am 37 years old, married with two sons. I am having a big problem in my life, which has to do with my aunt (father's sister), who is 48 years old now. I have loved her since I was 19 years old, and she was 30 years old, and I told her about my love and that I am sexually attracted to her. Actually, she refused that, but I kept trying to get her by my side as I am really crazy about her but she kept refusing, telling me maybe if we were not relatives she would be my woman.
Eight years ago, I got married, and now I have two sons but still love my aunt and getting crazy about her every day. Two years ago, I tried the same with her and she refused as well, but despite all refusals and asking me to let it go I couldn’t do what she wanted as she never closed the door completely, giving me every time a far-away possibility.
My aunt married before me and now she is divorced but I never stopped loving her. Please tell me what to do.
Fox (age 37)
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Thank you for your letter. So, to be clear, you think your aunt has feelings for you? But she refuses your love because you're related? Is that it?
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Thanks for your reply. Yes, that is what I think.
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All right, there are a number of factors to consider here. One is this: do you love her more than your wife? Enough to divorce your wife and marry your aunt? Also, have you considered how this would affect your children? There are at least five people (more, if your aunt has kids, too) who will be directly affected by what goes on between you and your aunt, even though she is divorced, and you need to take that into consideration.
It might be true that your aunt has some interest in you, but how much? Perhaps she is sexually attracted to you, as you are to her, but not so much for her to feel it is worthwhile to cause the scandal in the family of you two getting together. Just because you have some feelings for someone doesn’t mean you should pursue it. She is probably considering a couple things: 1) your age difference (although 11 years isn’t that big a deal once you are in your age range), and 2) how this will affect the family.
While you might be reading some sexual heat between the two of you—and it might actually exist—it doesn’t mean that it is worth all the pain such a relationship would cause. Your aunt has already dismissed the possibility of a relationship, which is significant. If she doesn’t want to pursue it, forcing yourself on her would be wrong and selfish on your part.
But what, you might be thinking, if she is hiding a secret, passionate love for you and is just afraid? Well, sir, the only way you can find that out is to ask her. Speculation will get you nowhere. If you can have a sincere, honest conversation with your aunt and you discover that she really, truly loves you; and if you both decide that it is worth it to break up your family and cause a lot of emotional pain for your wife and your children, then who am I to say no?
I had a letter once that was similar to this in which a young man was in love with his aunt. That one was much simpler, though, because even though there was the social stigma involved, neither the young man nor his aunt had a spouse or children. They didn’t have other love interests or people they would hurt, so the only thing that was really “wrong” with the situation was that it was social anathema.
In your situation, you have a lot of people you will be affecting if you pursue this. The question is whether you love your wife or not, and the other question is whether your aunt loves you deeply in that way or if her apparent keeping the door slightly open is just because she has a bit of sexual interest in you. If this is just a sex thing, then it would be, of course, wrong of both of you to pursue it. But if there are some real and true feelings of love (not lust), then you need to make absolutely sure she feels the same way and also be absolutely sure you are willing to pay the price for her.
Talk to your aunt. Get it all out in the open once and for all. Only then can you make the right decision.
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