He's Having a Hard Time Keeping Friends

Dear Papa Bear,

Hello again. So my question this time is how do you make friends and then meaningful, lasting friendships?

I ask because I typically seem incapable of getting close enough to people to go from an acquaintance to a friend and never seem to become close friends with said friends. That covers the meaningful part, as for the lasting part. I rarely have lasting friends because either we drift apart and lose contact or I unintentionally hurt them and wind up being hated by them.

And I know the standard way is to simply talk to people and get to know them, but I'm a terrible conversationalist and any talks seem to be superficial if they don't just die outright. And I understand the concept of practicing to get better, but I've been trying for years to no avail in that regard.

Sincerely,
Thief

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Hi, again, Thief,

Have you read Dale Carnegie's famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People?

Papabear

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No I have not, but if I go by the reviews it seems to be less about making friends and more about just getting people to like you to succeed career-wise. I'm more than capable of getting people to like me, at least it's easier in person as opposed to online, but I just can't connect with them to form friendships. Or am I wrong about my assumption of the book?

Thief

* * *

Hi, 

Well, the book is mostly about getting along with people, not being nervous meeting them, how to get them to like you and so forth. Most of it is common sense. Papabear used to be very shy, too, and here is what I learned about getting to know people and make friends:

1. Ask lots of questions of the other person and get to know him or her. Be interested in their life, care about what they say because the things they talk about are very important to them and if they see you feel their lives are important, too, they will quickly come to like you.
2. Talk less, listen more.
3. Be a friend, which means helping the other person if they need some help. Being there for them. But be careful: this should work both ways in a true friendship, otherwise it becomes a user/used relationship.

That's pretty much it. If you do those three things, you will make friends.

Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

This is good, sound advice. Thank you. However, unfortunately that is what I do. But I don't seem to connect enough with others to transition from acquaintance to friend.

Thief

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Hi, Thief,

Forgive me if I asked you this already in one of your other letters, but do you suffer from Aspergers or any other social anxiety disorder?

Papabear

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Dear Papa Bear,

You have not asked me that. Though, I have never been diagnosed with any social anxiety disorder, Asperger's or Autism, etc. Granted just because I have not been diagnosed with it does not mean I don't have one I suppose.

Thief

* * *

Well, it might be worth looking into. It could just be, too, that you are meeting the wrong people in the wrong place. A quality friendship starts with two quality people. Even if you do all the right things, if you're meeting people who aren't good friend material, you're going to strike out.

But one way that two people can become close friends is to go through some kind of trial together in which they have to combine forces to overcome an obstacle. This is rather a cliche, actually, that you often see in hokey movies, but it can be true in real life. Not suggestion you create an artificial crisis and drag someone into it to make them your friend, but that is one way it happens.

Mostly, though, you need to find people with whom you have something (or things) in common. Not just a hobby, but something really important or bonding, like a similar experience in life or a passion for a cause or a skill. 

And that's about all the advice I have on that topic. Being nice to other people has always worked for me.

Good luck!
Papabear