He's Afraid of Hurting His Cheating Partner's Feelings

Hello Papabear,

I am at a loss on what to do. My mate has been very secretive lately, and I know why: he’s been on these apps like Scruff, Grindr, Growlr. And he says he’s single. Now I don't mind if he were to looking for friends. As far as I know, our relationship is not open. He tells me he loves me all the time. I just know he's been doing this for some time, even hooking up with other people. How can I approach him about this without him getting too upset?

AlusterWolf

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​Dear Aluster,

Any long-lasting, healthy relationship is based upon honesty (I don't think I have to tell you that). It is fine if both partners want a monogamous relationship or if both partners want an open relationship. It is even fine if one partner is monogamous and the other polygamous PROVIDED that both parties agree this is the way it is going to be.

Secretive behavior is a warning sign. Lying behavior is a warning sign. Since you know that his profile is a lie and he is saying he is single, the logical conclusion is that he is hooking up with other people without telling you. This is not acceptable. If he were just looking for friends, he would say "partnered" in his profile or "partnered but open." For the sake of your own sanity, you need to talk this out. You said you thought you were in a monogamous relationship, so you are the one being betrayed. When you approach him and tell him you know what he is doing, you should not be worried about upsetting him. Good grief, you are the one who he should be worried will be upset!

Are you worried that if you upset him he is going to leave? Would you want him to stay even though he is having sex with others behind your back? If you want him to stay no matter what, then probably the best course is to not confront him at all and live a lie. But if you want the relationship to be honest and he can't handle that, then good riddance to him is what I say.

The third possibility is that you are honest with him, he will repent, and then he will be faithful after that. But, honestly, do you really believe that's what will happen? More likely, he will either deny he is misbehaving (even in the face of evidence, which he might say "was just a mistake") or he will give you a bunch of lame excuses and try to push the blame on you for his own behavior. Again, unacceptable.

Bottom line is this: your hesitation about confronting him is the result of your fear of facing change because the most likely change will be that this will mark the end of the relationship and you'll have to start all over again. It isn't at all that you are afraid of hurting his feelings. 

Now that all the options and possibilities are laid out in the open for you, it is your choice. What will you do?

Papabear