So....I'm cornered at all ends....I have no friends that are not already friends with my mate. My mate is my best friend... She is the single most important person in my life...but...I am scared. I do not know what to do... The relationship started out wonderfully.... She would hold me beautiful. We would share I love you's and she would compliment me and was sweet as could be. She found me to be "cute and beautiful," she would say.
But...it has been a while now. Tables have turned. To start out, we had a perfectly equal relationship. But slowly my compliments have been outweighing hers... The response to my “I love you, my dear” is now reduced to a simple “you too.” Also ... those days of me being cute and beautiful are gone. I'm always holding her... I have to kiss up to her to even get her to let me hold her. Asking to be held is a no no. She just gets annoyed when I do. I have to beg her for kisses. I have to plead for affection... I put all of my effort into making her smile and be happy. I guess you could say that I am a romantic suck up...and she just takes and takes it... No return or acknowledgement that it had even been done for her.
With sex... it started out we were both each other’s first ... and from then on our sexual relationship was even. But now ... I work my ass off to please her... I do oral because that is all I can do to get her off. She never returns the favor. Not even a rub. She just goes to sleep after... Last night I saw her on her phone the entire time I was down there.... I feel so ... embarrassed.... She has told me it’s amazing and she cums .... but. I am not sure if I am boring her.
Perhaps the scariest part of this all is that I am totally and utterly whipped. She has gotten me to stop liking a lot of things ... and to start liking others. Also .... since the change in roles of the relationship .... she... or I ... have convinced myself to get a sex change ... to be a guy.... I feel like the only thing she wants from me now is a boyfriend that worships her and will fuck her... I feel useless. She wants a man... and I love her so... if I have any hope of making her happy I must become a man.
I feel like I'm trapped even more because the slight bringing up of we need to talk makes her roll her eyes... She gets insanely angry when I ask to talk about us. Its a no no, too....but I love her so much.... I was going to commit suicide before I met her. I was happy at first...but now the thoughts come back.... I know she loves me... but I do not know what I am doing wrong.... can you help me?
* * *
My Dear Lunar,
You are doing nothing wrong, except apologizing for your mate’s actions by trying to appease her. Your mate has pulled a nasty switcheroo on you that is completely unfair to you. I don’t know if it is because she has become bored with her relationship with you, or perhaps she is discovering that she is bi, or her tastes are simply changing, or she has fallen out of love with you, but whatever the reason might be, you are now clinging to a love that once was and not to the current reality of your relationship.
I understand that she helped you get out of a very dark place and you are grateful for that. But she is different now. And you can’t fix it because she won’t even talk to you about it without getting angry. I mean, to talk on the phone while you are making love??? What is that? To not return your affections, to make you feel like a slave? But, worst of all, to want you to change your gender for her??? That is as extreme a request as they come!
Please promise me one thing right now, Lunar. DO NOT go through surgery of any kind just to please your lover. That is something for YOU to decide. It is YOUR body! You would be putting yourself through a lot of pain, hormone therapy, a lot of expense, a lot of psychological adjustments.... and all for someone who now treats you like a used up tube of toothpaste? You need to get a hold of yourself.
If you have a sex change operation to please her, here is what will happen:
1. She might get really turned on at first. The flame will reignite, and there will be a period of time when you are once again the light in her eye and the lover in her bed.
2. But, inevitably, she will get bored with you again and you will be right back where you started.
3. Well, not right back where you started. You will now be a man with a lousy mate rather than a woman with a lousy mate.
You say “I know she loves me” but she sure doesn’t show it. How do you know? Doesn’t sound like she loves you much the way she treats you, and you are very unhappy about the way it is now, and you SHOULD be. However, that you are once more having thoughts of suicide is horrifying!
Here’s a hint to all my readers out there: If your mate treats you so badly that you want to kill yourself, you need to get a new mate. That should be obvious, but many people get so tangled in their emotions that they lose sight of the obvious.
If you were a man, I’d say you need to grow some testicles. Well, do the feminine equivalent. Don’t stay with someone out of a feeling of obligation to them or because they may have once loved you. Be grateful for the past, learn from it, but do not be chained to it. If she will not talk to you about your needs, then write her a letter, hand it to her, and walk away and let her read it. The letter, in essence, should say, in part, “You no longer treat me the way you used to and I feel you no longer love me. You make me feel like a servant rather than an equal partner, and you won’t even talk to me about how this is making me feel. Also, I have no desire to get a sex change operation, so if you want to have a boyfriend go find a male. I’m a girl. At one time, you liked that, but now I guess you don’t or you are bored with me. I’m grateful to you for what you did for me in the past, but you’ve changed to the point that I don’t think I can stay with you any longer unless you decide that you can love me the way you once did. I still love you, but I can’t live this way any longer. It’s gotten so bad I have thoughts of suicide again. If you really still love me, then show me you love me. But if you don’t, then don’t ask me to live trapped in a lie.”
Hard words, yes, but you can’t go on like this, sweetie.
Please let me know how it works out.
I wish you love and happiness,
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.