So I have been dating this guy for a few months. He is amazing and so sweet. He told me he is a furry when we started dating and I have really no problem with that. However, I recently I found out this included sexual role playing online with other people. I talked to him about it and he said that they are temporary "relationships" while I am the real prize. Still I just feel so jealous I guess? He won't let me go anywhere near his phone and says it is because there are people in the community who would stop talking to him if they found out he had a girlfriend. I really love him and want to work this out. Do I have even a cause for concern? What can I do to help?
Anonymous (age 19)
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Thank you for your letter. To begin, I want to express firmly that being furry does not necessarily mean one participates in sexual role playing. Plenty of people in the fandom are not interested in that at all. Being in the fandom simply means that you enjoy fiction (in literature, film, etc.) featuring anthropomorphized characters. Period.
But, yes, there is a lot of sexuality involved in the fandom, as well. There are many reasons for this that would take too long to explain here (but will be in my book), so let's not explore the reasons for the "why" here.
The problem isn't so much that your guy is into furry sex; the problem is he is being so secretive about it. To be frank, his explanation that "there are people in the community who would stop talking to him if they found out he had a girlfriend" is utter and complete bullshit. Do you think a horny furry doing roleplay online is going to give a crap if the person he is playing with has a girlfriend? No, because it's irrelevant who you are in real life when you RP. It's fantasy.
However, they WOULD care he had a girlfriend if the person on the other side thought she (he?) was developing a serious relationship with your bf. And that's why he doesn't want you looking at any text messages (or images) on his phone. (If what I'm saying here isn't true, he can disprove me by showing you.)
There's nothing wrong with some occasional fun RP online, as long as the two people in the relationship know all about it and it is out in the open. My late spouse knew I was into it, and he was fine with that because our sex life was fine and our relationship was a good one.
You should go to your boyfriend and tell him you are fine (I'm guessing) with some furry roleplay, but he needs to be honest about it and not have secrets. If you truly are the "real prize," anyone online he might lose for being open about his personal relationships should not be as important to him as you are (real friends would be happy for him that he has a nice girl). He needs to own up to that, or you need to tell him this isn't working out. You are worth more honesty than this.
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