He Wants to Have Sex with a Bear ... a Real Bear

Dear Papa Bear,

I understand that you have dealt with a similar question before, but I was wondering if you could help me with my predicament.

Over the past year or so I have developed an attraction to bears (the animal). over time this attraction has turned sexual. I realize that this is considered incredibly taboo in most parts of the world but no matter what I do this desire for sexual interaction keeps growing. I have even fantasized (and to some degree planned out) about how I would travel to such a place where it is legal to have intercourse with an animal.

I have discussed this with my partner (I'm gay) a few times and he is respectfully against the idea when the topic is brought up seriously. I am torn on what I should do, should I try to pursue this desire that is a large part of who I am, or seek help to get rid of these feelings?

Much thanks,
Kuma

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Dear Kuma,

Interesting. I have frequently heard of people who have wanted to have sex with dogs, pigs, or cows, but rarely with a bear. There was one person who did tell me that they had sex with a bear. He was a former zookeeper (you might guess why he lost his job) and told me that he would sneak into the bear’s enclosure and, since it was very used to people, do things like perform blowjobs on the bear. (No comment.)

I have no idea in what country it would be legal to have sex with a bear (although a quick search online says that sex with a bear in this country is only specifically illegal in 48 states in the U.S.) Would this be a wild bear? If so, I would definitely not recommend that unless you want your face ripped off.  Let’s assume you’re talking about a bear in a zoo, private or public. No respectable real zoo anywhere in the world would allow you to have sexual intercourse with one of their bears, so it would have to be a private zoo of some sort. Next problem: finding a private bear owner willing to let you do this. Since you don’t know of one personally, even if you did find one willing to have you mate with a bear, I bet he would only do it if you paid him a lot of money. So, you’re talking lots of money for travel, lots and lots of time trying to find a willing owner, and then paying them a lot more money for the privilege of fornicating with a bear.

Say you have a lot of money to blow on this sexual fantasy and find and pay someone to let you do it. The bear doesn’t know you (in the zookeeper story above, the man knew the bear, er, quite intimately), and it’s not going to cooperate with you. Are you going to chase it down, tackle it, and mate with it? I think the bear would win in such a competition. Let’s say you find an incredibly passive, tame bear. What are we talking about in terms of sex? Is this a male or female bear? I’m guessing male, since you’re gay, but if female, you think it will just stand there and take your penis? Likely not. Oh, and better wear a condom. You can get an STD from an animal just as easily as from a human (in fact, gonorrhea, syphilis, and AIDS all were originally transmitted from other animals to humans).

If the bear is male, and you are on the receiving end, prepare to be crushed by the weight of the bear as it mounts you (how you would get it to do that is beyond me). If you somehow survive the weight of the bear, be prepared to be penetrated by a large penis bone (baculum) for a long time (bears can cum copiously for longer than 20 minutes—that’s 20 minutes of actually shooting semen inside you, not 20 minutes of lovemaking, so add time for that; if this sounds cool to you, try collecting a gallon of fake semen from Bad Dragon and injecting it all inside you in one, er, sitting), and if you are the one mounting the bear, hope you like dirty, smelly anuses. Bears aren’t known to wipe.

Kuma, sometimes fantasies should remain fantasies. What’s going on in your mind is probably a lot cooler than you would ever hope to find in reality. Remember, even in zoos, a bear is still a wild animal. More than likely your attempts would be met with injury or even death.

I don’t think you have thought this through as well as you might have. I hope this letter helps with that.

As for your obsession with bears: I have an idea that would be a lot safer for you. Purchase or have made a bearsuit for your partner (who seems cooperative enough) that he can wear. Make it a yiff suit, as they say. This should work very well to satisfy your fantasy (remembering that 9/10ths of sex occurs in the brain) and would be both fun and safe for both of you.

Take care and play safe!

Papabear