He Thinks He Might Have to Break Up with Mate Because They Don't Have Enough in Common

Hello,

I'm going to get to the point pretty quickly. I am in a relationship with another guy and I love him. But I'm starting to think he isn't "the one" since we hardly have anything in common besides the furry fandom and gaming. Plus I am the huge nerd (sorry if it doesn't seem like it since I lack grammar and organization skills) and he sometimes is a dimwit. I truly do love him but I'm always paranoid that we aren't perfect for each other. But he's also my best friend and if I broke up with him, I still would want him to be there for me. So to shorten this whole paragraph, Should I break up with him? And also, how do I break up with him and still stay friends? (I'm not sure if this would affect breaking up with him, but just in case, I have slept with him before).

Anonymous

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Dear Furry Friend,

There is no such thing as a “perfect” mate, so disabuse yourself of that concept, to start off with. The idea of finding “the one” is romanticized bullshit that comes from romance novels, Disney princess films, and Hallmark cards.

When it comes to things in common, there are some things for which it doesn’t matter and others for which it does. The things that do matter are fundamental. For one extreme example, my marriage broke up because I discovered I was gay and she deserved a husband who was straight. Another big difference could be age (if it is extreme, like an 80 year old guy marrying a 20 year old), religion (but only if the people in the relationship are inflexible), family planning (one person wants children but the other doesn’t) or when one is (or both are) selfish jerks. These things are often insurmountable because they delve into the very core of one’s being.

But many other things, such as hobbies and other interests, are no big deal. My ex (with whom I’m still friends) came from a poor family, loved sports and cars, and liked to do crafts such as beading and cross-stitch, while I came from a middle-class home, hated sports, and craft shows made me yawn. But we had other things in common, such as a love of reading, shared political values, enjoyment of travel, and so on. My current mate also is different from me in many ways. He’s nine years older, loves disco music, and his work in radio and TV is both his job and his passion. I really don’t give a damn about the media, am indifferent to disco music (it’s okay, but only for a little while--I know, Yogi, I have blasphemed!), and grew up in a different era when it comes to my gay life (he lived through the first wave of the AIDS crisis, a horror I can barely begin to imagine, and that has really affected him to this day). Yet we have many things in common: love watching live plays and musicals, enjoy working on the home, share political views and a world view, have a similar sense of humor, etc. In both cases of my ex and current mate, I was with people who were kind, loving, caring, compassionate, helpful, and sharing. In other words, I fell in love with their hearts, not their hobbies and family backgrounds.

So, you don’t share everything in common, big deal. You have gaming and the furry fandom, which are probably big parts of your lives that you can share. And for the things that make you different—viva la difference! When two people have everything in common and do everything together, conversation can get a little dull, as in: “What did you do today, dear?” “You should know, you were with me!” Leaves very little to talk about. Differences can be good, because they can help us to see and experience different things that we otherwise might not have, and that helps us to grow.

I can’t advise you on whether or not to break up with your boyfriend, but I can suggest you take a test. Sometime, when he doesn’t know you’re watching him, take a few minutes and just watch him doing something ordinary, some routine thing, and look not with your eyes, but with your heart. If your heart melts inside you, you love him, and you should not break up. If you don’t feel moved in any way, then you probably have a friend there, but not a love. I did this test once with Yogi. He was out in the back yard with Ernie the Wonder Dog (our Shih Tzu). He was standing there in robe and slippers by the pool, hair messy. It was morning, he had a cup of coffee in his hand, and he was taking in the view of Mt. San Jacinto, a contented smile on his face. My heart melted. It was a joy to see that he was happy, and that made me happy, too.

Take the test first. If the result is a fail, write again and we can talk about break-ups.

Hugs,

Papabear

P.S. Whether or not you slept with him is irrelevant, FYI.