I just want to say in advance thank you for taking the time to read this. And now on to the question!
I've been having a very emotional time in my dating life right now: my feelings for an ex coming back, new people all in my life. And I have a hard time saying “No” to people; and what it has resulted in is my being in 2 relationships and my ex being with someone else I was almost with. So I feel like my whole world has been shoved in my face all of a sudden. My question is: how do I magically fix all of this? Well, really my question is: how do I go about fixing my issue?
The two I'm with right now trust me to the ends of the earth, and one of them is underage. And I don't really want that. The other has been hitting rock bottom to being homeless, and I don't want to just leave her when she is at an almost all-time low. As for my ex, he isn't having a very good relationship with this other person; he has been talking to me, asking for help about what to do, which has been a little awkward for me, but I want him to be happy. I care about him very much and I trust him over anyone else in this world.
I feel like I've made a lot of mistakes in the past few months and I feel trapped, like I have nowhere to go. I want to be with my ex, but I don't want to hurt everyone. So, I'll restate my question, since I've talked a good bit more. How do you think I should tackle my problem? I realized I might not be able to be with my ex, but I don't want to keep feeling trapped like this. Please help me.
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Reading your letter—and correct me if I am wrong—it sounds as if you are not hugely in love with either the underage person or the one who has hit rock bottom, but, rather, you want to get back with your ex, who seems to want to get away from the person he’s with at the moment.
First what you do is you state, in your heart, what you really want. My assumption in this letter will be that you want to get back with your ex and break it off with the other two and that your ex wants to leave his current partner (at least, romantically).
Breaking up with someone is never easy, but if you don’t truly love them then you are doing them a disservice by pretending to love them. If I were you, I would first break up with the underage person, telling them that they are underage and you aren’t comfortable with that, and also that you want to be with someone your own age. As for the other person, there is no reason you can’t be there for them and be supportive as a friend; you don’t have to be a lover to do that.
You are a lot like Papabear in this way: you are a people pleaser and worry that other people are happy to the point of not worrying about your own happiness. This is something you and I need to work on. Intellectually, I know that my happiness is also important, but I am so empathically attuned to others that I feel their pain when they are not happy. Perhaps you feel this way, too, but we both need to learn that we can be kind to others without sacrificing our own happiness.
After you talk to the other two, you should then talk to your ex. Ask him if, perhaps, the two of you might have made a mistake and if he might want to get back together. You know, just because you broke up doesn’t mean it has to be permanent. People make mistakes sometimes, but if the opportunity is there, you might be able to fix them.
Feeling “trapped” clearly indicates you are not happy with how things are going. Yes, it can be scary, and sometimes very sad, to break up with someone, but sometimes it is for the best for all parties concerned. With luck, it will lead to your being with the right person at last.
Wishing You Love,
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