He May Have Lost His Virginity, But He Can Still Give His Boyfriend Something Special

Papabear, 

I've made a mistake - it's something I'm not proud of, and it's my own fault for not thinking properly.

I've been in an open long-distance relationship for a few months now, and about a month ago - something happened. There was a friend with me, we were talking, stuff happened... 

I ended up giving him oral - I'd done it before. My boyfriend's visiting me next year, and I wanted to learn to do it properly so I could blow his mind. I wanted to impress him.

Before this happened, I told myself I would simply give him oral - nothing more. But after a little - he actually suggested anal sex. I honestly didn't expect him to ask - I was so shocked. And being horny and dumb - I said yes. I was in an open relationship - I was allowed to. I justified my actions in my head.

Everything was all very weird and apathetic. He barely got two inches in me, I didn't feel much at all, and we went for 30 seconds to a minute before he pulled out and began masturbating. There was little talk, save me asking how it felt, and his monotone reply of "good... I suppose."

Afterward - even though I was allowed to in an open relationship - I felt I had betrayed my boyfriend. It just hit me suddenly. I was shattered. I told him as soon as possible - I had to. He wasn't angry, but he was upset - rightfully so.

We're closed now, but the pain still remains. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made.

Now we come to my question. I always envisioned an awesome, magical moment with him where he would take my virginity - but now he's unsure as to whether I still have it or not. I know it'd mean a lot to him to be my "first time."

So - do I constitute as a virgin still? I was technically penetrated, but what occurred was so brief, shallow and made me feel so lonely and empty inside that I refuse to believe such an experience could be lovemaking.

Am I still a virgin after this which I see as "experimentation," or must I accept that I'm no longer a virgin, and just give him all I have left?

Thank you...

Sorsolier (age 17)

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Dear Sorsolier,

Being a virgin means you have not had sex. I think most people reading this would agree with me that having anal penetration, no matter how briefly or shallowly, constitutes sex. I also consider oral sex to be sex. So, I’m afraid you cannot say you are a virgin any longer. You can’t pull a President Clinton and say, “It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

However, what you experienced was not lovemaking. It was two inexperienced guys having awkward, uncomfortable, loveless sex. Just typing that makes me go “bleah.” Afterwards, you both experienced that hollow feeling inside that comes with having an intimate experience with someone you don’t love.

You and your partner had agreed to be in an open relationship, so he really has no right to be mad at you if he meant that sincerely (apparently, he did not, since you are now in a monogamous relationship). Sounds like you have a bit of a communication problem that you should work on. Part of the problem, as I’ve stated many times in this column, is the difficulty of having a long-distance relationship. I hope that the two of you will eventually make plans to live closer together. You both need physical contact, and that need probably contributed to your letting your shields down.

But don’t beat yourself up over your first sexual encounter too much. Most young people think the first time will be fantastic, but as you saw it can be very clumsy, even ridiculous. Perhaps it could be a good thing you got that out of the way and, hopefully, learned a few things about your body (and yourself) that will, indeed, make sex with your boyfriend better. I remember my first time, and OMG was my performance terrible! But you get better at it with practice, just like anything else. Your awkwardness, too, could have been caused by voices in the back of your head telling you it was wrong.

While you can no longer say you’re a virgin when you do have sex with your boyfriend, what you can give your boyfriend is your first genuine lovemaking experience. You can say to him, honestly, “I may have had sex before, but I have never made love before, and you will be the first man that I give myself to fully, giving you my heart, my soul, and my body.” Once you have done this, you will experience a joyful and cathartic afterglow that will be infinitely more satisfying than what you felt after that first time.

Cheer up, and good luck with your boyfriend!

Papabear