Grandmother Is Giving Her Grief over Boyfriend

Dear Papabear,

Hello, as you can tell my name is Mai Tsukino. As of now I've been going through a really rough patch in my life and I cannot seem to shake it. I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice as to better handle my problem.

Very recently I had broken up with my ex-mate, to which was a smart idea as he was very controlling and lived in a different country than I; but not even shortly after the break up, I found someone else. He has been very kind and has treated me well and does all he can to make me happy, which has been a great help, but yet a hindrance as well. Let me explain it a little bit better.

I was living with my grandparents, both of which are strong Christians and are good people, but they also try and force their beliefs onto me. I am not very religious, not to say I don't believe there is something out there, I just do not believe in God as they do. I respect everyone's beliefs, but my grandmother, Gram, believes I do not OR she believes I'm her Christian granddaughter. I'm not quite sure which, but I'm leaning more towards the Christian granddaughter.

That's part of what caused this huge problem.

Gram heard about my break up and she was thrilled, mainly as she did not like my ex-mate and his language, not that I can blame her too much. But she also said she liked it because she believed I would not get pregnant over the relationship. So in some aspects I understand what she means, but yet I'm so very confused. I have just learned to go with it in all honesty. However, once Gram learned of my new mate she seemed extremely happy. Her eyes had lit up, she seemed to be in a MUCH happier state.

After I had ended classes, as I'm in college, he and I went to my grandparents' place to meet them. I wanted to introduce him and such so that way Gram could get to know him a bit better. We went to dinner and he talked about himself. I did not know if it was good or bad, but not even a few days later I had helped him.

My mate is not in the best of conditions with money. His family is in very low income and sometimes cannot afford certain things, such as food or gas for him to get to class. That said, I had done something EXTREMELY stupid on my part. The car he was in had ran out of gas and his mother asked me to push their car with my grandmother's car. I stupidly agreed and that was my biggest mistake yet. He did get to class on time, but I also got into trouble for pushing the car with the car I was driving.

Nothing was damaged, but it was a dumb mistake. After I got the car to a gas station, which was just down the road a little ways, I gave them $16 USD to put in the car. Once Gram found out she through a HUGE fit about it. She said that they were taking advantage of me and that they should have had the money in the first place.

That was NOT the reaction I was hoping for. I say that as Gram runs a Food Pantry, that is for those who need food and cannot afford it. She also taught me to help others in need and do what you can. I thought she would be proud of me for HELPING. I do understand that pushing their car was stupid. I still acknowledge it and still feel horrible for it, and it has been at least 2 months since it happened.

Now the big problem has arisen. Gram had insulted my mate and his family almost every night after that incident. She called them filthy, poor, and manipulative. I had become very upset and depressed, almost like when I was with my ex-mate. I would cry for hours because it hurt when she insulted him. It's because I feel connected to him, more than I have with any other person in my life. I feel as though I'm being insulted as well for liking him. It hurts because I don't want anyone to hurt him.

Soon Gram had asked me a question after I had stayed at his place for 4 days. "Are you being slutty?" I looked at her and snapped, I don't remember fully what I said, but I believe it was something along the lines of, "Thanks for calling me a slut!"

It did not help that I had to go to class when she asked me that, because I was crying and wanted to just kill myself. It was horrible because she continued to bother me about things similar to that. Then one night, just before I was going to visit my mate for a week, Gram was talking with me. She called him dirty, poor, and manipulative once again, along with his family. I told her that they weren't and such, but she would not hear it. I started to cry again, and just as she left she said something along the lines of, "Fine! Go get pregnant!"

After that I felt betrayed. I was crying and curled up in the chair I was in. I could not help but wish to die. All I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. I was crying so much that I almost committed suicide. I stopped because I knew that it was taking the easy way out and that it would hurt my mate if I did.

By now I had stayed with my mate and his family. Gram was calling me and such, getting on my nerves because she continued to view them as evil. Then one night at exactly 11:38 PM she called me. She sounded like she was crying, but yet it sounded so fake.

"Are you okay?! Are they holding you against your will?!"
I paused, trying to keep composure as it almost made me laugh.
"THEY ARE!"
I told her they weren't and that it was 11:30 at night and that I was going to bed. I then hung up on her and went to bed.

Since then I felt that she just wanted to control how I lived. I say that as I was spoiled rotten. She would wait on me and such, to which now I realize was completely selfish of me. However, I also felt that it was... Right in a way. She is my grandmother, someone I would visit as a little girl. She'd do that for me every day. It was sort of programmed in my head, and I realize that now.

Now I have decided to move in with my mate. It has been rough, but yet I feel like it was right. Gram was making me cry every night about how she hated my mate and his family. I just had no home to go to that did not feel... Like I was being bullied.

Since moving in with my mate, I've learned to be more self reliant. I'm still selfish and do want to be waited on, but I'm growing up more. I help do dishes, I help clean up, I help watch the animals. And when we have to watch three little girls, to which I'd rather not go into full detail about, I help.

But I'm also feeling like I'm a bit of a slave too. It's different because I've been helping pay for the diapers when the girls are there, I help get milk. I do a LOT of the shopping and I'm not even able to have ALL my money. It's because Gram decided that since I was making an irrational move in seeing my mate she'd take all my savings.

She believes that I'd spend it on wasteful things. I explained to her that I wasn't and that the money was going for a car, to which we planned. I had no other plans so her taking all that money felt wrong and I don't believe she had, let alone has, the right to be doing that to me. Though, she has and I'm only left with a little bit of my money to pay for rent that I have for living with my mate.

I even have gone to my doctor, mainly for a physical and such, but my grandmother had even contacted him! I found out because he told me and then he even said he had read the letter, which I later found out was against some privacy policy. I'm starting to get a bit uneasy with EVERYTHING and it's becoming... Bothering.

Now my big question is, has all of this happened to tell me that I've done something wrong? I ask because I feel that I've done a LOT and haven't gotten much in return. I do love being with my mate, but I also feel like... I'm being forced into things and I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm just working and not going to get things back. I would like to know your opinion because I'm starting to doubt a lot of people, even myself.

Thank you,

Mai Tsukino

PS: Sorry for the long question.

* * *

Dear Mai,

I don’t have Gram’s side of the story, but from what you are saying here she is guilty of three things: 1) trying to control your life with threats (taking away promised savings), 2) having a double standard about helping others (she runs a food pantry yet is very condescending about the poor), and 3) calling you a slut. None of these is very flattering toward her character, unfortunately, and the name calling is particularly offensive. She clearly doesn’t trust your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. This is not to say she doesn’t love you; I’m sure she does. However, some people have funny notions about what love is. Your Gram is being overprotective, and her fears about your safety are causing her to react in a bad way.

As for you, it sounds like you have learned to be a giving and kind person. I understand, too, that in the past you enjoyed being taken care of by your Gram and that you might feel a bit miffed that you are doing a lot for your boyfriend now and not getting much help back. These are natural emotions. I’ve felt them myself at times. What you need to do is decide for yourself whether or not your love for your mate trumps any financial and other difficulties your relationship demands of you. There are many people out there who lead financially stable and comfortable relationships but who feel unloved. Usually, when you ask them, they would rather have someone who loves them and have little money to spare than to have lots of money and feel utterly alone and unloved. Not always the case, but a lot of the time it is.

You need to make that decision. How much do you love this mate of yours? Does he make you feel happy? Does he make you feel loved in return? Or, do you think he is just taking advantage of you and making you help around the house and assist with finances?

Either way, that is for you to determine, not your Gram. I think you are old enough to find your own path, and she is not helping. You need to talk to her and tell her, without prevarication, how she has made you feel (and without shouting) and that what she has been doing has been damaging your relationship. Tell her you know she loves you and you love her, but she is hurting you. Does she really wish to hurt you? She might not be aware of what she is doing.

To summarize this answer, no, you haven’t done anything wrong. You just need to get your bearings and figure out better where you stand, both with your Gram and with your mate.

Let me know how it goes. Good luck!

Papabear