This is a long story that goes over 3 years.
I met someone through a mutual friend and we started to hang out online. He was rather affectionate and we got along well. I had a huge crush on him honestly. However, after a visit, things kind of died down. This was probably due to me breaking down a bit on the first night when I was confused as to why, when he had mentioned condoms and sex before, he wasn't in the mood. I felt I had done something wrong, etc. I was 19 at the time, and had some emotional issues. I still do. The rest of the visit was fine though.
We remained friends but he sent me less and less messages. He told me that he wasn't the type to really initiate (even though he did early on) and that he even only talked to his best friend every few months. So, I was doing all the work pretty much. This continued, we'd talk every night for a few months, eventually contact was lost, regained a few months later, repeat the cycle. The only constant was that I was always asking him if he'd like to come visit me and getting various responses (excuses) in return. The mutual friend explained this was par the course for him and that he hadn’t heard from him in almost a year.
About half a year ago, I re-initiated contact and we started playing online games together. Again, it was the cycle of me initiating and him going along. At first it was actually a bit of a chore, but it turned out great. We ended up playing together until recently. In fact, he was even messaging me pretty frequently in game, and actually doing a bit of return. We were pretty much talking on Skype every night. Unfortunately, crush came back and that created some awkwardness for him even though I told him I knew he had no interest.
Recently, we met someone who lives in my area in the game. My friend became very interested in him romantically and quickly started to group with him, forcing me to have to ask one of them to join, never being invited, etc. Even while in groups with them, they'd be talking to each other privately in whispers and PMs or on Skype while I wasn't.
At first I was in their groups, Skype chats, etc., but after one incident where I felt a bit overwhelmed by how my friend acted around this other guy and just left the chat without saying anything, things started to change. I acknowledge that I probably made him feel awkward and that he wanted to avoid drama, but I felt left out. I told him this and at one point he promised he'd try to keep me included. But that lasted maybe a week before I had to do all the work again.
And of course, being left out made me feel worse, thus the awkwardness/drama potential increased. It was a self-perpetuating issue. It wasn't made any better by the fact that this other guy is extremely flirty online and my friend, who hates being flirted with, was really receptive to it.
Then it happened. The other guy offered that if he ever wanted to visit the area, he would have a place to stay. My friend jumped on that and started planning a trip. I was pretty devastated because he had never accepted my offers. Even more so when I talked to him and he made it pretty clear that he had every intention of focusing on this other guy and not making time for me. I felt even more left out.
So, it got worse as the trip got closer and then the trip came. I tried very hard not to interfere or text them but finally gave in and sent them a text asking if we could hang out at some point. The final result was two days before my friend left, we had dinner. By this point I was beyond hurt and in to just plain mad territory. I felt like I was being treated badly. I felt like all the things he had told me were lies, and it wasn't the fact that he couldn't have reciprocated, just that he didn't feel I was worth it.
Needless to say, after dinner, I confronted him and it went badly. I was accusatory, angry and pretty much screwed it up about as badly as it could go. The other person told me later that the reason my friend hadn't probably wanted to hang out was due to avoiding drama, but I feel like if he had actually sent me a text of scheduled something without me trying, there wouldn't have been any.
You're probably thinking at this point my letter is about salvaging my friendship. It's actually not. I sent him a message apologizing for my behavior but explaining that I felt left out, taken advantage of and really not treated right as a friend. At this point, I'm sure it's over. He can't give me what I want as a friend and that will just drive us both insane. It's not really healthy.
Even if we've been friends for 3 years, there is no point in attempting to be friends now, since the same problems will just happen again. I'm kind of tired of always having to take the lead in the friendship and having even the slightest message started by him making me feel as if I won the lottery. I think that's why the crush happened, I put so much energy in to him it just developed. The online gaming will be iffy, but I think I can manage. If I can't, it's my deal and I'll just stop playing the game. So I'm pretty sure I'm set on that. If there is a hope for a friendship between us, it's not going to be for a long long time. But I doubt it because I'm kind of done trying after all of this and I doubt he'll ever even respond to my apology.
But to say that I'm okay with it would be a lie. I still love him a lot (I'm not in love with him anymore, the anger took care of that).
The question is about the other person actually. While this all was happening, I developed a friendship with him. It turned in to a sexual friendship (but just that, not romantic), and I get along with him pretty well. I like him a lot actually. He's 7 years older than me and I'm still looking at grad schools so there is no dating possibility, but I do like him. He and my other friend aren't romantically involved and aren't going to be, so there's no issue there.
However, he saw the butt end of this. He saw the worst possible part of me after those three years and while he didn't see the fight, he saw the aftermath for sure. I IMed him and he said he wasn't mad at me, so I don't have to worry about that per se but...
What's bothering me now is that it's been a day or two since then but I still feel awkward. I'm not sure if I want to see him or not. I'm scared silly that it'll turn in to another relationship where I put in all the effort to initiate. I feel like I've reflexively doing that anyway partially because I -really- like hanging out with him and partially cause I feel that if I don't message him, I'll hear from him once in a blue moon.
I'm also scared that this entire event will be in the back of his mind and will affect our friendship. That he'll be just waiting for me to 'snap' again. I'm actually a normally patient person and my friends tell me that I don't stand up for myself and get walked on by people because of it. So he saw something very much to the antithesis of who I am normally.
So I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. I want to be his friend, but I don't know how I can do it anymore. I want to explain everything, but I don't want him to think I'm just stirring up drama. I feel like if we hang out, I'll be awkward and it'll be weird. I'm not sure if it was his proximity to the situation or if he reminds me of it or what, but still.
I know I screwed up with my friend. I feel like I've possibly screwed up with both of them now. What confidence I've built over the last year has shattered and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
Can you give me some advice? I made a mistake, I don't plan on making it again, and I want to put it all behind me. But it's pretty much all going over in my head constantly. I'd like to be friends with this guy, but I feel like I'm going to have trouble letting myself be friends with him.
Sorry for the long letter, thanks for reading it.
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My initial impression is Oy! Vey! you overthink things to the point of it being a bit ridiculous. You seriously need to relax and not obsess so much. First step, forget about the past. There is nothing you can do about what happened with your previous relationship, but you can learn from it.
What you need to learn is not to force yourself onto other people. The more you force yourself into a friendship, the more the other person will reflexively withdraw from you. I recently had an experience like this. A furry I’ve been chatting with and whom I met just once heard that I had a friend of mine from San Diego staying at my place for the weekend. Well, this guy likes my San Diego friend a lot, too, and begged to come over, basically inviting himself to sleep over. Now, I have a years-long relationship with my San Diego friend and just wanted to spend time with him, so I told the other guy that I really didn’t want him over this time, but he could come over at another time. Well, he started calling and texting me and then calling my San Diego friend over and over and over to the point it felt like we were being stalked. Then he posted on FA that my San Diego buddy and I were being mean to him. This behavior totally turned me off of him and I don’t really want to hang out with him any more.
I’m not saying you’re like this, exactly, but I think you get the point. If these furs you talked about are not including you in games or conversations or activities, it is a big clue they don’t want to hang out with you, for whatever reason. When you press them as to why, they will naturally just come up with some explanation in an attempt to not hurt your feelings while making you go away.
If someone doesn’t want to hang out with you, the solution isn’t to confront that person and wedge yourself back into their life; the solution is to find someone who does want to hang out with you and do things with them.
Now, as to your current friend. Don’t explain yourself. Don’t obsess. Don’t apologize. Stop talking about the past. Just stop it. Cold turkey.
Instead of talking about all that junk in the past, talk about the present. Don’t even mention all that other stuff and start talking about your mutual interests with this current guy. Start building something that has to do with your current lives and who you are now, not who you were then. Hang out with him, do things you enjoy, and move on.
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